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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Lame and Fortune" from season nine, which aired on July 11, 2016.
  • [the episode opens up on the island of Bikini Atoll, where a crane of a ship holds a crate. The rope breaks, decelerating the supply of fortune cookies down to Bikini Bottom]
  • SpongeBob: Whoa, look at that cloud, Gary! It looks just like a giraffe eating ice cream.
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: You're right, Gary, all this cloud-watching is making me hungry too. Ooh, look at that big one, Gary!
  • Gary: [gets shocked] Meow!
  • SpongeBob: It's getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger, [Gary yowls as he slowly crawls away] and bigger, and— ow! [SpongeBob gets crushed by the giant box of fortune cookies]
  • Gary: Meow. [sniffs the box]
  • SpongeBob: [emerges from the sand] Hey Gary, that was a pretty heavy cloud.
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: You're right, Gary, it's not a cloud at all. [SpongeBob pushes himself out of the sand] Let's see what's inside. [SpongeBob then removes a piece of the box and releases all of the fortune cookies] Whoo, fortune cookies! Vague prophecies baked into delicious bite-sized snacks. These cookies can see the future, Gary, which means they knew we were hungry, even before we did. Let's eat!
  • [SpongeBob and Gary begin eating the fortune cookies. SpongeBob opens his fortune and starts reading it]
  • SpongeBob: "A great fortune has fallen upon you." [gasps] Did you hear that Gary, the fortune is true! Let's look at your future. [Gary hands SpongeBob his fortune] "Happy trails will follow you always." [gasps and points at Gary's slime trail] Your fortune came true too!
  • [Gary then looks behind him to gaze at his trail]
  • SpongeBob: Cookies with fortunes that actually come true? We have to share these with everybody!
  • [the scene transitions to the Krusty Krab, where Mr. Krabs is declining SpongeBob's idea]
  • Mr. Krabs: No, SpongeBob, we are not handing out anything free with every purchase! Even the smiles here cost a nickel.
  • SpongeBob: Aw, why not, Mr. Krabs?
  • Squidward: [chuckles] Because, SpongeBob, fortune cookie fortunes are always lame and they never come true.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, but that's where you're wrong, Squidward. These fortune cookies are different, try one. [Hands him the fortune cookie]
  • Squidward: [backs it away] No. [SpongeBob pushes it back to him] Way.
  • [SpongeBob forces Squidward to eat the cookie by controlling his arms and shoving the cookie in his mouth. The fortune exits Squidward's mouth like a receipt and he reluctantly reads it]
  • Squidward: "You will be rewarded for your particular talent." Right. [SpongeBob turns Squidward around]
  • French Purser: Excuse me, Mr. Squidward Tentacles, you have just won the most miserable cashier in Bikini Bottom contest. Here is your cash prize! [Hands Squidward the money and begins celebrating]
  • Squidward: Holy harpoons, the fortune did come true!
  • Mr. Krabs: [snatches the money] Me cash register, me money. [walks away]
  • Squidward: And that's why my depression is award-winning.
  • SpongeBob: [Mr. Krabs shoving money into his pants] Don't you see, Mr. Krabs, the fortunes in those cookies are real. Can't we share them with everyone?
  • Mr. Krabs: [gasps and coughs] You know, you're right, SpongeBob. [pledging] We will share these magical macaroons with all the folks in Bikini Bottom. You just leave it to me.
  • SpongeBob: [jumps in excitement] All right!
  • Squidward: [throws confetti] Hooray. [tilts head down]
  • Mr. Krabs: [as he is ready to give free fortune cookies to his customers] This is how you hook them! [shoves a funnel in SpongeBob's pore] Now remember, the first one is free! [grabs a load of fortune cookies and implants them into SpongeBob to throw out to the customers]
  • Dale: [opens and eats a cookie, then reads fortune] "Something wonderful is about to happen to you." [gets licked by a group of worm puppies then giggles] I love puppies. Thanks, fortune cookie!
  • Mable-Monica: "Eat your hat and you will fall in love." [takes her hat off to eat and sees Lenny eating his hat. They both run to each other, dancing and kissing]
  • Mable-Monica and Lenny: Thanks fortune cookie!
  • Ivy: "You will soon injure your legs?!" [Piano crashes down on Ivy's legs] My legs! I was looking for an excuse to get out of jury duty. [plays piano] Thanks fortune cookie!
  • SpongeBob: Those fortune cookies are a hit. [the crowd then runs towards him, knocking him down. A crowd is shown outside the Krusty Krab, which attracts Plankton's attention]
  • Plankton: [while riding a small chopper] Fortune cookies at the Krusty Krab, aye? Well, Eugene, I have a prediction too. You are in for an epic fail supreme with extra cheese! [evil laugh]
  • Karen: Sheldon! Where are you!?
  • [Plankton then flies away only to hit the fist and he falls into the Chum Bucket, landing in front of Karen]
  • Plankton: Barnacles, woman, would it kill you to leave me alone for five minutes?!
  • Karen: Sorry, your lordship, but the garbage isn't going to take itself out. [drops the garbage bag on Plankton, smashing him]
  • Plankton: [slips out from under bag] Riddle me this, computer wife, what's hollow, full of lies, and leaves a bad taste in your mouth?
  • Karen: Our marriage? [she then shows an image of a wedding ring]
  • Plankton: No! Fortune cookies. And Krabs is raking it in right now because all of his fortunes are actually coming true?! So...
  • Karen: [imitating Plankton] So, you got an evil plan to get the Krabby Patty secret formula and soon it will be yours, all yours. [evil imitated laugh]
  • Plankton: [surprised] Wow, I can't tell if you're sarcastic or psychic.
  • Karen: Ugh. [rolls eyes]
  • [the scene transitions to a chuckling Plankton, who is creating fortune cookies with bad messages in them]
  • Plankton: This will be a good one, [types] "You stink." [evil laugh while Karen is packaging the cookies]
  • [the scene cuts to the Krusty Krab, where Plankton is bringing in a load of bad fortune cookies and vaporizes the original ones]
  • Plankton: Enjoy your new fortune cookies, Krabs!
  • SpongeBob: [singing] Time for a refill. [takes the load of bad fortune cookies to the Krusty Krab]
  • [the Krusty Krab is loaded, Mr. Krabs' eyes turn to dollar signs, and Squidward is selling the cookies without a break]
  • Lenny: What is my future?
  • Squidward: [his tentacle cracks] My tentacles are going to fall off if I don't get a break soon, Mr. Krabs!
  • Mr. Krabs: [pushes Squidward away] Look out, Mr. Squidward, I'll teach ya how to run a cash register. [pacing to put the money in the register and runs out of fortune cookies] Huh? More cookies, SpongeBob!
  • SpongeBob: Fortunes flying in, Mr. Krabs. [drops a load of cookies]
  • Plankton: Let the wave of misfortune begin. [chuckles as he flies away]
  • Dale: "You will get stomach cramps from the Krusty Krab?!"
  • Mable: "The octopus with the big nose just spit in your food?!" [Squidward wipes his nose]
  • Frankie Billy: "A yellow sponge will serve you salmonella?!"
  • Ivy: "You will live forever if you eat at the Chum Bucket?!" [Crowd gasps]
  • Susie Rechid: Let's eat at the Chum Bucket. [crowd agrees, runs over SpongeBob who is mopping the floor, and runs down to the Chum Bucket]
  • [Mr. Krabs loses his customers, causing his dollar eye pupils to turn to cents. The two cents fall to the cash register and Mr. Krabs closes it. The "no sale" sign appears in the register. The scene transitions to the Chum Bucket, where it is jam-packed with customers]
  • Mr. Krabs: [Plankton holds a fortune cookie as he secretly jumps on the chair] What did we ever do to those fortune cookies to make them lie about us like that?
  • SpongeBob: Well, the fortunes in those cookies were always right before. [Plankton jumps in the fortune cookie bowl] Here Mr. Krabs, maybe this next one will change your luck.
  • Mr. Krabs: [Mr. Krabs picks up a cookie, secretly given to him by Plankton, opens it, and starts reading the fortune teller] "Unless you give a tiny copepod the Krabby Patty secret formula, you will die?!"
  • Plankton: [opera voice] Hello! [normal voice] Did someone say copepod?
  • [SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs shriek, and starts running with fear to his office, where SpongeBob locks the door and Mr. Krabs puts a plank in the way]
  • Plankton: Just wanted to borrow a cup of grease, Eugene. I'll come back later, ciao!
  • Mr. Krabs: [nervously speaking] J-just how true are these cookie fortunes, SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: If the cookie says it's true, then it's true. Horribly, terribly, truthfully, true! [begins wailing]
  • Mr. Krabs: "You will die." [the world "die" echoes in his head three times, leading to a vision of Mr. Krabs' funeral service]
  • Pearl: [sobbing] Oh, I'll miss you, daddy! [continues sobbing then she takes his wallet] But I really can't wait to spend your hard-earned money on shoes! [laughs and runs away]
  • Mr. Krabs: [wakes up] Me money!
  • SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs! No! [weeping tears and filling up Mr. Krabs' coffin, causing him to float down and hit his head on the floor. Vision ends]
  • SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs? Mr. Krabs, it's time. [SpongeBob's arm breaks off while holding on to Mr. Krabs. Mr. Krabs gets scared as SpongeBob appears on his other side] It's time to give up the secret formula to Plankton! [puts back his arm] Because your life is worth more than some scrap of paper in a bottle.
  • Mr. Krabs: You're right, me boy-o, [heads toward his safe] I've got to face me fortune. [takes secret formula out of safe]
  • [the transition cuts to the Chum Bucket, where Karen is controlling the crowd]
  • Karen: Don't crowd, there's more Chumbalaya where that came from, unfortunately. [Plankton is feeding the customers]
  • Crowd: [gags]
  • Frankie Billy: "It's worth it to live forever."
  • Plankton: The scheme is working perfectly, [sees Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob approaching the Chum Bucket] and here comes gullible Krabs now to hand-deliver the secret formula. [tears up] I promised myself I wouldn't cry. [chuckles]
  • [SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs are having trouble getting inside the Chum Bucket]
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, this crowd is impossible!
  • SpongeBob: [snatches secret formula] Leave it to me, Mr. Krabs. I'll make sure Plankton gets his so you won't get yours. [prepares to run to the crowd] Hot stuff comin' through! [jumps inside the crowd. Places the secret formula on his head then he swims through the crowd to Plankton but he sinks]
  • Plankton: Don't worry, secret formula, I'm comin', baby!
  • [Plankton then jumps in his boat to grab the secret formula, but SpongeBob is off-balance, so Plankton uses his fishing rod to grab the formula]
  • Plankton: Me want that papa! [SpongeBob lands on Plankton, destroying the boat]
  • SpongeBob: [hands out formula] Here Plankton, Mr. Krabs wants you to have this.
  • Plankton: [chuckles] Finally! [Plankton reaches for formula, but an anchovy sticks his head up, knocking the formula away] No! [he jumps to the floor where he finds it rolling] Ah-hah. [the bottle is kicked towards him, which flattens him out. He gets up, balances on the bottle, but then is kicked to the ground. Plankton then tries to run from a customer wearing large, green boots, but he gets stepped on. Plankton's squashed body gets up from the ground] I have had enough! [still, in a squished form, he rolls to a chum bucket] Get out of my restaurant, you mindless sheep! I wrote those fortunes, [crowd gasps] they were fakes, don't you get it?! Now all of you, out! [growling]
  • Dale: Let's go back to the Krusty Krab! [crowd agrees and starts running back to the Krusty Krab]
  • [Mr. Krabs receives his formula back]
  • Plankton: I guess I didn't really think that through.
  • Mr. Krabs: I figured the funeral fortune was phony, Plankton.
  • Plankton: Oh, yeah?! What are you going to do about it, Eugene?
  • Mr. Krabs: Nothing, Sheldon. [holds a fortune cookie] Here, have a fortune cookie. [gives Plankton the fortune cookie]
  • Plankton: [opens fortune cookie and starts reading the fortune teller] Eh. "You will go on a long voyage where you will get everything you deserve." [gets picked up by Mr. Krabs] Hey!
  • [the ending follows to a Chinese restaurant where Plankton pops out of a fortune cookie and is avoiding the chopsticks]
  • Plankton: Ahh! Hey! [gets grabbed by the chopsticks] Ooh! Mommy! [a chomping noise is heard]
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