This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Kwarantined Krab" from season 12, which aired on April 29, 2022.
- [The episode starts at the Krusty Krab.]
- Mr. Krabs: [talking to Pearl and Mrs. Puff] Oh, I love it when my two best gals become my two best paying customers. Sit tight, lunch is almost ready!
- SpongeBob: [comes out of the Krusty Krab kitchen with Krabby Patties in his eyes] Order up!
- Patrick: [standing in front of the Galley Grub] Uh... let me get a southwestern patty, heavy on the south. [grabs Squidward's arm] No, wait! Uh...
- [Mrs. Puff laughs until SpongeBob starts squashing her face, at which point she starts grunting.]
- SpongeBob: Ooh, that feels like Mrs. Puff! Hi, Mrs. Puff! [laughs]
- Mrs. Puff: Remember, SpongeBob, we agreed. Outside of class, we don't know each other.
- SpongeBob: Oh, yeah! Well, here's your Krabby Patty, mysterious lady. [pops the components of a Krabby Patty out of his eyes for Mrs. Puff and Pearl, alongside his eyeballs] "Eye" hope you enjoy your meal! [laughs as a rimshot is heard]
- [A health inspector enters by kicking the door open.]
- Mr. Krabs: [gasps] The health inspector?! But I already bribed him this year!
- Health inspector: [uses his detector] Just as I feared. Someone in this restaurant is infected with the highly contagious Clam Flu! You're all under quarantine! [locks up the Krusty Krab, declaring it a quarantine area]
- [Everyone in the Krusty Krab apart from SpongeBob starts panicking and running around.]
- Patrick: Wait, what's a quarter bean?
- SpongeBob: A quarantine is like a mandatory sleepover. And we're all invited!
- SpongeBob and Patrick: Sleepover! Sleepover!
- Squidward: [blows a horn to silence them] A quarantine means you're locked in here with a sick person, until we're all sick and miserable.
- Plankton: [comes out of a cup through the straw] Well, I'm aborting Operation Soda Jerk. Communicable diseases are my cue to leave. [leaves through a vent and laughs] Quarantine shmorentine. I'm the great... [screams while getting burned to a crisp with a laser by a robot. A quarantine enforcement person comes up]
- HAZMAT Unit: Breach contained. Good work! [high-fives the robot as they leave]
- Squidward: [gulps] Maybe we should stay inside.
- Pearl: But I have to cheer at the big game tomorrow. Everyone's going to laugh at me if I get sick and die first. [stomps her foot]
- Mr. Krabs: Oh, not to worry, my massive little angel. We'll just do what we did in me old navy days.
- SpongeBob: Ooh, old navy days.
- Mr. Krabs: You see, first, we found the sicko, and then we just locked him in the freezer hole! With the infected sailor isolated, the rest of us could enjoy ourselves, certain of our continued good health. Ah, good times.
- Mrs. Puff: You... let them out of the freezer once they were better, right?
- Mr. Krabs: Huh? I suppose... someone let them out, eventually. Okay, who's feeling queasy? Go on now, raise your hand. [no one says anything] So, that's how you want to play it, eh? [takes out forceps] Fine, I'll examine all of you, for signs of the pestilence itself!
- Squidward: Oh, no, I am not letting any of you infected imbeciles near me! [trips up over a table and launches a pepper shaker into SpongeBob's nose, making him sneeze. Everyone panics, thinking SpongeBob has the Clam Flu]
- Squidward: He's the sick one! He belongs in the freezer! Get him!
- Mr. Krabs: Yah! [charges at SpongeBob]
- SpongeBob: Wait! I'll go willingly. I feel fine, but... I don't wanna risk infecting my friends. Especially you, Squidward. [kisses his cheek. Squidward screams and sprays his cheek with disinfectant. SpongeBob sadly opens the freezer's door] All I ask is that you remember me as I was, full of life- [Mr. Krabs shoves him in the freezer and closes the door]
- Mr. Krabs: Phew.
- SpongeBob: Yah!
- Mrs. Puff: Oh, it sounds like he's really suffering in there! Oh, I can't bare to look... [turns away, but smiles] But can someone describe it to me?
- Mr. Krabs: All right, come on now, come on, let the poor boy enjoy his agony in peace.
- SpongeBob: Whoooo!
- [In the freezer, SpongeBob is skiing.]
- SpongeBob: [laughs] Oooh, ice cream!
- [Back at the Krusty Krab, everybody except Patrick is sitting behind one table.]
- Mr. Krabs: Well, problem solved! Now we sit back and wait for the all clear.
- Patrick: [checking up on SpongeBob] Hmm? Hey. [notices him licking the ice cream] Ooooh... [walks up to the gang with an open pack of relish behind his back, slurring] Boy, I sure am feeling under the... leather.
- Squidward: It's "weather", you moron. And--ah! [notices Patrick, causing him and Mrs. Puff to gasp] Sweet Neptune!
- [Patrick has relish all over his body, which everyone else mistakes for Clam Flu spots.]
- Mr. Krabs: The Clam Flu! It's spreading! Into the freezer with him! [tosses Patrick into the freezer using forceps]
- [In the freezer, SpongeBob and Patrick have a snowball fight with ice cream. Patrick throws some chocolate ice cream into SpongeBob's eyes, which launch them back into Patrick's mouth.]
- Mr. Krabs: [sighs] We'll just have to be more vigilant now. Anyone could be a carrier.
- [Squidward scratches his arm tentacle.]
- Pearl: Itchy Skin! He's got Clam Flu!
- Squidward: What? No, no! I was just scratching!
- Mr. Krabs: To the freezer! [uses the boot to kick Squidward into the freezer with Pearl shutting the door.]
- [Bubble transition to Mr. Krabs having a five o'clock shadow. He and Mrs. Puff dart eyes at each other until Mrs. Puff yawns.]
- Mr. Krabs: Freezer! [throws Mrs. Puff into the freezer. Hyenas are heard laughing] At least we know we're safe now, my baby beluga.
- Pearl: Oh! I just remembered. I didn't spend all your money at the mall. [hands Mr. Krabs some money] Here's your change.
- Mr. Krabs: Change? Oh, the disease must've addled your tiny teenage mind!
- Pearl: Wait, I take it back! There's still some shoes I wanna buy! [Mr. Krabs tosses her into the freezer, then wears a mask and sprays the money with disinfectant. Cut to inside of the freezer as "Jingle Bells" is playing.]
- Squidward: So, let me get this straight. [cut to inside of an igloo] Nobody in this freezer is actually sick?
- SpongeBob: [speaking at the same time] Never felt better.
- Pearl: [speaking at the same time] Healthy.
- Mrs. Puff: [speaking at the same time] Not me.
- Patrick: Ice cream!
- Mrs. Puff: Well, if no one is sick in here, then the sick person must be...
- Pearl: [gasps] Daddy! Oh, no! [starts crying tears which turn into ice cubes]
- Mrs. Puff: There, there. [gets hit by the ice cubes, grunting slightly]
- Squidward: I say we bust out of here, grab Krabs, and lock him away!
- Mrs. Puff: Oh, yeah!
- Pearl: Daddy?!
- Patrick: Who's this now? [eats some ice cream]
- SpongeBob: Well, I don't know. Mr. Krabs didn't tell us to question his orders. I'll just wait for him to let me out.
- Squidward: [smiling to convince him] You can't cook Krabby Patties if you're locked in the freezer.
- SpongeBob: [shocked of hearing what Squidward said, and now changes his mind] All right. [puts on sunglasses] Let's put this crab on ice.
- [Everyone busts out of the freezer, with Mr. Krabs noticing.]
- Mr. Krabs: [screams] You sickos are supposed to be in the freezer!
- Patrick: You're the sicko! [jumps towards Mr. Krabs, but he flattens himself to get out of the way, so he crashes into a table instead]
- Mr. Krabs: Stay away from me, you sickos! [crawls under the grill, to where SpongeBob also flattens himself and crawls under in pursuit. Both of them getting covered in the grime there in the process]
- SpongeBob: For the good of all of us, you have to go into the freezer!
- Mr. Krabs: Keep your filthy hands off me, you infected ingrate! [notices the opening leading to the grease trap] Oh, look. Freedom! [drains himself into the grease trap. SpongeBob then crawls out from under the grill, now covered in the grime present of being infected]
- SpongeBob: He's in the grease trap!
- Squidward: Well, someone's gonna have to fish him out before he gets to the sewer and infects the whole town!
- Patrick: Hey, I can help! [pries the grill out of the way and begins shoving Squidward into the opening to the grease trap]
- SpongeBob: Patrick, Patrick!
- Patrick: Huh?
- SpongeBob: There's a full-sized hatch over here. [begins scratching himself]
- Patrick: Well, what do you know? [finishes shoving Squidward into the grease trap]
- Squidward: [falls into the grease] Eugene? Are you in here?
- [Mr. Krabs surfaces behind him, catching him off-guard, making him scream and cough to get some of the grease that was on him onto him.]
- Mr. Krabs: Ah! Sicko germs! [leaves the grease trap through the full sized hatch, catching SpongeBob by surprise] You can't catch me! I'm too healthy for all you, sickos! [laughs as he leaves through the service window]
- Pearl: Daddy, stop! [follows him through the service window, prying it off the wall due to her massive size]
- [The others head to the dining area to see Pearl with the service window around her neck and Mr. Krabs stuck in her blowhole. She sniffs him up and and sneezes him out, with him missing his shirt. Mr. Krabs lands near a corner and Patrick confronts him.]
- Patrick: There's nowhere left to run!
- Mr. Krabs: I'm not licked yet! [snaps his claws]
- Patrick: [boxing bell ringing] Oh, yeah? [uses his tongue to try and grab Mr. Krabs, but he dodges and grabs his tongue and begins swinging him around] Hey, hey! SpongeBob!
- Mr. Krabs: You'll never get me! [swings Patrick into the broom closet, getting him covered in dust, but he yanks on the tongue, yanking him into the closet, getting him covered in dust as well]
- [Patrick then regains control of his tongue and begins swinging Mr. Krabs around, catching Squidward and making him crash into SpongeBob. Mr. Krabs eventually lets go and is sent flying towards Pearl, who is shown to now have a stuffy blowhole, and she dodges him, making him land in a trash can held by Mrs. Puff.]
- Mrs. Puff: I got him! I got- [suddenly inflates sending the trash can flying with Mr. Krabs inside. He lands on a window, and the trash with the trash can land on Mrs. Puff's head]
- [The battle continues until nighttime, when the health inspector returns, unlocks the chains with a key and enters the restaurant.]
- Health inspector: Hello? Anyone here? Ha, funny story, um... [holds out his detector] I was holding my equipment [flips his detector 180 degrees] upside down yesterday. Nobody was actually sick! Oh, what a goof. [hears some moaning and turns on his flashlight to investigate, and notices Squidward, whose feet are noticeably swollen] Oh, my Neptune! Grease Gout. [notices SpongeBob looking all moldy as he scratches himself] Moldy Measles! [notices a pile of trash shifting, and out emerges Mrs. Puff, coughing up a tin can] Trash Trichinosis! [notices Patrick lying down with his tongue all stretched out, as he coughs up three literal dust bunnies who scurry away] Dust Bunny Bronchitis?! [notices Pearl, still with her stuffy blowhole, as she sneezes out Mr. Krabs' shirt cover in boogers] Polyester Plague?! [something drips on his arm and he notices the source. He gasps. It is Mr. Krabs, showing symptoms for all of the diseases, even coughing up a literal dust bunny] The whole shebang?! [everyone crawls towards him and he quickly escapes] They're all sick! Ultra-Mega Quarantine!
- HAZMAT Unit: You heard him! Get this disease-ridden cesspit out of here!
- [More HAZMAT Units board up the Krusty Krab in a huge wooden crate.]
- HAZMAT Unit: Drop it somewhere safe.
- [A helicopter shows up and deploys a hook, and a HAZMAT Unit applies it to a lifting ring.]
- HAZMAT Unit: Somewhere no one ever goes.
- [The helicopter lifts the Krusty Krab and drops it on the Chum Bucket.]
- Plankton: [off-screen] What the...?!
- [The sickos are ready to attack Plankton off-screen.]
- Plankton: [off-screen] No! I don't wanna get sick too! Stay away! No! [sneezes of his clam flu] Ah, barnacles.