This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants Goodbye, Krabby Patty? short "Krabby Patty Report," which aired on February 18, 2017.
- [The Bikini Bottom News title is shown. Perch Perkins is in a line of people.]
- Perch Perkins: Frozen Krabby Patties! You know them, you love them! You wear the shirts, hug the dolls, ride the roller coaster!
- [Tom is riding a Krabby Patty themed roller coaster. As it descends down, Tom's face peels off into a skeleton.]
- Perch Perkins: And eat them by the millions!
- [Dave is shown overweight. Loud sound of cow is heard.]
- Perch Perkins: But just who are the people fueling this fab?
- SpongeBob: Me! My name is SpongeBob!
- Patrick: I also have a name!
- Perch Perkins: Uh, yes, well, thanks for that I guess. But we're not doing interviews yet. [pushes SpongeBob and Patrick away] This is just a teaser.
- Patrick: Teasing isn't nice.
- SpongeBob: I thought you wanted to talk to people about frozen Krabby Patties.
- Perch Perkins: Okay then. Why do you like them so much? Is it the taste?
- Patrick: No. I love 'em 'cause they're popular.
- [Patrick shows his Krabby Patty tattoo on his back.]
- SpongeBob: [holds out a Krabby Patty] Here, friend. Join the movement.
- Perch Perkins: Hmm. [takes the Krabby Patty and eats it] Yes! [swallows it] I finally feel like I'm part of something!
- [Perch eats the Krabby Patty then takes another out of Patrick's box.]
- Perch Perkins: I belong!
- Patrick: Hey, that was mine!
- Perch Perkins: Oh, I'm sorry. Let me just join!
- [Perch takes another Krabby Patty and eats it. Perch runs off and Patrick chases him.]
- Patrick: Mine!
- [Perch and Patrick chase as they snatched the Krabby Patties from Sandals and Mr. Krabs. Mr. Krabs puts the "No Refends" sign on his stand. Perch and Patrick continue to chase as they gobble up every Krabby Patty the customers got. The customers form an angry mob and chase after Perch and Patrick.]
- Crowd: That's mine!
- Perch Perkins: I'm in with the in-crowd! [laughs crazily]
- [Perch and Patrick continue to run across Bikini Bottom while the angry mob chases them. SpongeBob attempts to follow but is out of breath.]
- SpongeBob: [exhausted] Wa...wa...wait!
- [Perch, Patrick, the angry mob, and SpongeBob run through a red light and caused a passing car to swerve into a building and the city catches fire.]
- Bikini Bottomites: It's the end!
- [The "Plese Stand By" title is shown.]