This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "InSPONGEiac" from season 8, which aired on April 9, 2012.
- SpongeBob: ♪ Mop, mop, mop, mop, mopping, mopping, mopping, mopping, mopping mopping! ♪
- Squidward: SpongeBob! [Frank comes in and brings him a dollar] Why don't you mop your way over the kitchen? [points at Frank] We need another Krabby Patty.
- SpongeBob: Sure thing. [walks to make a Krabby Patty. He puts a patty in a half made Krabby Patty and he puts too much mustard on it. Mr. Krabs opens the hot shelter and smells that he put on too much mustard]
- Mr. Krabs: What's that?
- SpongeBob: [puts on the last bun] Perfection. [Mr. Krabs walks to see SpongeBob]
- Mr. Krabs: I don't think so. [grabs the Krabby Patty and sees too much mustard. Mr. Krabs gets angry at SpongeBob] You used too much mustard!
- SpongeBob: But, Mr. Krabs, I...
- Mr. Krabs: You obviously you didn't use your hydraulic mustard gauge. [uses a spoon and scoops some mustard. The spoon reads 101%. Mr. Krabs gasps in shock] You think mustard grows from seeds?! [throws the spoon and Krabby Patty away] Oh, at this rate, I'll be broke in... [types the list] 411 years!
- SpongeBob: Really?
- Mr. Krabs: Your skills are rusty, you're not your usual sharp self! Did you have breakfast this morning?
- SpongeBob: Yes, I had a cup of sea kelp and a Neptune muffin.
- Mr. Krabs: Hmm... well, what about sleep, young man? Did you get enough sleep?
- SpongeBob: I did go to bed two minutes later than usual.
- Mr. Krabs: [looks at SpongeBob] That's it! [pokes SpongeBob's body] You're an insomniac!
- SpongeBob: An insomni-what?
- Mr. Krabs: You're a person who can't sleep, and if you can't get enough sleep, your mind starts to go! [SpongeBob is surprised] Here. [gives SpongeBob the spatula and pushes him to the grill] Come on, now, cook! [SpongeBob starts to flip patties. He pauses and glances at Mr. Krabs before flipping the patty. Mr. Krabs stops him] Ha! Ha ha! I knew it! You lifted the patty from one side, instead of straight up! What are you trying to do, sabotage me? [takes the spatula and shoves him outside] Now you go home and get some rest.
- SpongeBob: Oh, but, sir, I can't miss work at the Krusty Krab.
- Mr. Krabs: Miss work? If you keep making mistakes like that, boyo, there will be no Krusty Krab!
- SpongeBob: No Krusty Krab?
- Mr. Krabs: That's right! [points at the road] Now git!
- SpongeBob: [walks down the road] Yes, sir.
- Mr. Krabs: Come back first thing tomorrow. After a good night's sleep. [Cut to SpongeBob's pineapple]
- SpongeBob: I just don't get it, Gary. I don't usually have a problem sleeping, do I?
- Gary: [chews his snail food]
- SpongeBob: Well, I am not going to allow a mistake like today's to happen again. I am going straight to bed! [Cut to SpongeBob's bed.]
- SpongeBob: This pillow is hard as a rock! What to do?
- Gary: Meow meow meow meow.
- SpongeBob: You're right, Gary! Warm milk puts me right to sleep. [drinks it] Now, that should do the trick!
- SpongeBob: [milk pours out of his holes] Boy, it sure is quiet around here. Only 5 hours until I go to work. Come on, SpongeBob, you can do this. Four hours, fifty-nine minutes, fifty seconds... four hours, fifty-nine minutes, forty-five seconds... four hours, fifty-nine minutes, forty-one seconds! [throws the clock away] What if I don't get to sleep at all? [in his thoughts] Ohhh, Mr. Krabs was right! [the camera goes on SpongeBob's eyes] I am an insomniac! What am I gonna do? (speaking) I need some help. [runs to Patrick's house] Patrick, Patrick, wake up. [pulls Patrick up]
- Patrick: Uh-huh. [SpongeBob is speaking gibberish] Mmmm, sponge cake. [chews on SpongeBob's hand]
- SpongeBob: Oh, yuck! Never mind that, Patrick! I need your help, desperately! I'm a insomniac! I need to sleep!
- Patrick: Say no more, buddy. I know just the thing. [takes a deep breath, blows off the sand, and grabs a book] Get comfy.
- SpongeBob: Oh, boy. A bedtime story. [pulls up the sand into a pillow and lays down]
- Patrick: Okay. Once upon a time, there was a sleepy little boy.
- SpongeBob: Ah, yay...
- Patrick: The sleepy boy was the sleepiest boy in all the kingdom.
- SpongeBob: Mmm, sounds like me.
- Patrick: One night, he nestled into bed for a long slumber.
- SpongeBob: Slumber...
- Patrick: And Sir Cecil, the sea sleep king, sprinkled him with mystical sleepy dust.
- SpongeBob: Aw, thank you, Sir Cecil.
- Patrick: He couldn't have been cozier. When, without warning, [raises his voice] an excitable sea troll burst through the window! "Wakey-wakey, sleepy-doo!", he bellowed. Then suddenly he was whisked away by eagle-winged mollusks into the night sky!
- SpongeBob: Patrick, what are you doing? What kind of a bedtime story was that, anyway?
- Patrick: It's called The Land of Perpetual Excitement. You know, it's a "get out of bed" story.
- SpongeBob: Patrick, I'm trying to go to sleep.
- Patrick: Oh. [throws the book on SpongeBob's nose] Right. Oh, I know! I'll sing you a lullaby from my childhood! "Get up, be active, Get up, be active, Get up, be active, Get up, be active! Get up, be active! Get up, be active! Get up, don't lie down! Get up, don't lie down! Get up, don't lie down!
- SpongeBob: Um, Patrick, that's...
- Patrick: Get up, don't lie down! Get up, don't lie down! Get up, be active! Get up, be active!
- SpongeBob: Patrick, this isn't...
- Patrick: Get up, be active! Get up, be active! Get up, don't lie down! Get up, don't lie down!
- SpongeBob: That's a catchy bit...
- Patrick: Get up, don't lie down! Get up, don't lie down!
- SpongeBob: That's an excellent number, but...
- Patrick: Get up, don't lie down! Get up, don't lie down! Get up, don't lie down! Get up, don't lie down!
- SpongeBob: [yelling] Patrick! This isn't helping either!
- Patrick: Well, what-what abou- well, I don't know what you want from me. It's not like I have a magic wand to wave. [gets a magic wand] Or do I?
- SpongeBob: Oh, barnacles.
- Patrick: Hocus pocus!
- SpongeBob: Patrick, get serious, please!
- Patrick: Abra zeptabra!
- SpongeBob: I really appreciate your efforts, but I gotta try something else, buddy. 'Kay?
- Patrick: SpongeBob, I see you're serious about this now. I didn't want to do this, but I'm gonna let you in on a little family secret. Old grandma suffered from severe toe barnacles.
- SpongeBob: Blech!
- Patrick: And she invented the secret elixir for just such an emergency. Drink up.
- SpongeBob: Okay... Patrick, How is this gonna-
- Patrick: Drink it!
- SpongeBob: Hey, that wasn't too bad. What was it?
- Patrick: Coffee.
- SpongeBob: C-c-c-c-c-coffee? Oh, for the last time, Patrick, I'm trying to go to sleep!
- Patrick: Oops.
- SpongeBob: Uh-oh... feeling jittery, heart p-p-pounding, teeth grinding... [his legs start to run by themselves] Uh-oh. [starts to fly around and then breaks Patrick's rock] N-no! No, stop! We gotta get to sleep. Well, I guess I'll just have to let my legs tire out and catch up with my weary brain.
- [As he continues to run, the sea troll from Patrick's story shows up.]
- Sea Troll: Wakey-wakey, sleepy-doo!
- SpongeBob: Ahh! Sea troll! Huh? Just a shrub. [notices that it was just a hallucination.] Keep going till you crash, SpongeBob.
- Warm Milk: SpongeBob, why did you drink me?
- SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Mr. Warm Milk, you just tasted so good. [shakes his head] Shoo! That billboard is definitely not talking to you.
- [SpongeBob walks away but the milk on the billboard comes to life unnoticed by him.]
- Warm Milk: Why, SpongeBob, why? [SpongeBob closes his eyes while still running then suddenly splotches of mustard lands missing him and hears Mr. Krabs' voice]
- Mustard Krabs: Stop wasting all me mustard, boy-o!
- [SpongeBob notices a giant Mr. Krabs with mustard spouts for eye stalks, exclaims and runs for it as the mustard spouts continue to squirt.]
- Mustard Krabs: Me profits! Me profits!
- [The mustard gets in SpongeBob's way and he backs up and knocks over mustard barrels he tries to run but the barrels of mustard toppled and splatter all over the screen, now SpongeBob is in some sort of dimension, sitting on top the barrels as the Squidward heads came out from the barrels.]
- Squidwards: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Mr. Krabs is going to be upset! Ha, ha, ha, ha! [drown SpongeBob in the mustard. An eagle-winged mollusk (who looks like Gary) takes SpongeBob and takes him to a giant Patrick, which breathes on him]
- Patrick: Sponge cake!
- [SpongeBob gets eaten by Patrick and breaks a bed when he lands.]
- SpongeBob: What's this? Another vision? [sees what looks like the sun starting to rise] Oh, why, why? Please, please, please let me sleep for just 5 minutes!
- Sir Cecil: Do not despair, my child.
- SpongeBob: Sir Cecil, the sea sleep king?
- Sir Cecil: Just close your eyes and slumber. With some magic dust! [picks up the dust and tosses it on SpongeBob]
- SpongeBob: Hmm... it's getting all sleepish around here. [goes back into reality while sleeping in Gary's litter box, and the sleepy dust is nothing but Gary's litter box litter] Oh, thank you, Sir Cecil. Hmm? Hey, looks like I finally got some shut-eye. Now to prepare for work. [puts his work hat in his hole] Perfect. [leaves] Bye, Gary. [goes to the Krusty Krab]
- Mr. Krabs: Boy-o...? [snaps his claw. SpongeBob wakes up]
- SpongeBob: Hmm?
- Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob!
- SpongeBob: Huh? Y-Yes... SpongeBob reporting for sleeping, tired.
- Mr. Krabs: Ew! You're stinking like a swabby short pants after a clam dig! You sure you didn't forget something, boy?
- SpongeBob: Forget..? Oh, right, right, Mr. Krabs. How could I be so forgetful?
- Mr. Krabs: Heh, that's my boy. [sees SpongeBob] What the barnacles?!
- [SpongeBob washes his hands with the mustard dispenser.]
- SpongeBob: Employees must wash their hands before cooking. [smears mustard on his face] Oh, that's nice...
- Mr. Krabs: That ain't the sink, kiddo! [SpongeBob gets into the mustard barrel]
- SpongeBob: I know, I know, I just need a quiet place... to nap.
- Mr. Krabs: Me mustard! [pulls SpongeBob out of the barrel] You didn't heed my words, did ya? You couldn't be bothered to get some shut eye, could ya?
- SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Mr. Krabs! I tried, I really tried! But my insomnia got the best of me! [starts to cry tears of mustard]
- Mr. Krabs: Now he's crying away me mustard. That's enough boy! Me profits! [surprised] Huh? Your crying the perfect amount! Hold it, boy-o, you're a natural born mustard dispenser!
- SpongeBob: Is that a good thing?
- Mr. Krabs: Dow, uh, nuh, Oh no, no boy. It's- It's terrible.
- [SpongeBob cries again. Squidward overhears this.]
- Mr. Krabs: Just terrible!
- Squidward: [smiling, leaning on his tentacle] Best day at work ever!