This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "I Smell a Pat" from season 1, which aired on August 13, 2021.
- [The episode opens with an open shot of the Star family house. The scene fades into Patrick's room, where he is holding a fishing rod in front of a campfire. He is wearing a robe.]
- Patrick: [notices camera, turns around] Oh! Hello there! Welcome to another episode of [reels in fishing rod] "Pat-sterpiece Theater." Today, we'll hear the story of-- [burning book from campfire hits his face, puts it in hands] Ow! [juggles book in air] This book's too [tosses book] hot to handle. [blows on hands, scratches head] Now, where did I put today's storybook? [snaps fingers, takes book from bookshelf]
- [Patrick opens up the book and letters come falling out.]
- Patrick: [tosses book] Nope. That's a textbook. [looks at bookcase] Hmm... hmm... hmm...
- [Patrick climbs up the bookcase and gets a book. The book opens up and a mouth appears.]
- Mouth: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah--
- Patrick: [rips up book, groans] I hate audiobooks. [tosses crumple, continues climbing]
- [Patrick grabs another book and throws it aside. He then does the same for another book. He continues climbing into the sky.]
- Patrick: [tosses another book] Aw! Where is that dumb book? [tosses another book] Hmph!
- Clams: [tweeting on nest in bookshelf]
- Patrick: Well, aren't you cute? [reaches out arm, clam bites it] Ow! [falls down, screaming]
- [A book from the shelf opens up, and another Patrick emerges from its pages.]
- Book Patrick: [holding out arms] Don't worry, me, I've gotcha! [catches Patrick, then sets him back on the bookshelf] There I go.
- Patrick: [climbing] Glad I bought that self-help book. [reaches top of the bookshelf]
- [An alien object hits Patrick in the head as it flies by, and Patrick and the bookshelf come crashing down. Patrick drills his way out of the bookshelf and has the book in his hand.]
- Patrick: Found it! [opens book] Today's story is called: "Downtown Patty: The Thrilliflick Tale of a Krabby Patty looking for love." [licks finger, turns page] Boy meets grill... [stench slaps his face] Ugh! [gets slapped again] Where is that [sweeps air] freaky, funky smell coming from? [sniffs armpits]
- [Zoom into Patrick's armpit, where some cows are eating the grass on Patrick's armpit.]
- Cows: [mooing, one belches onto Patrick's face]
- Patrick: [face's skin peels off] That is horrible! [pushes skin back on] Not the right smell, though. The smell is [begins walking]' rank with just a touch of stank.
- [Cut to Ouchie eating his food bowl. Patrick picks him up and grabs Ouchie's tongue to smell it.]
- Patrick: [sniffing] Nope. The smell is more like a rotten egg filtered through wild strawberries. [in another room, he sniffs Squidina while she writes on a clipboard] Hmm. Close, but it needs more gorgonzola and seaweed. Aw, [stomps, startling Squidina] phooey! [cries] I can't host the show until I know where that freaky, funky smell is coming from!
- Squidina: What smell? [Patrick pulls the stink cloud down] [face contorts] Ew! You're right! [covers nose] We've got to find it.
- [Squidina pulls a lever, and safari hats land on both of them. Bamboo letters appear above, reading out "PATRICK'S STENCH SAFARI."]
- Patrick: Welcome to another episode of "Patrick's Stench Safari." I am mere seconds away from discovering the source of that freaky, funky smell. [sniffs] And I lost it! Oh, nose caddy!
- [Squidina sets down a golf back with several covered objects on sticks. Squidina pulls the covers off to reveal they are different kinds of noses.]
- Patrick: What do you suggest, nose caddy?
- Squidina: [takes nose, puts it on Patrick] I think this calls for the Durante.
- Patrick: Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha! [sniffs, begins floating away] Oh! I smell it! Follow me! [Squidina follows, both laugh]
- [They both run into Cecil in the kitchen, and spill slop all over.]
- Cecil: Hi, kids. Want a taste of my Dad stew?
- Patrick: [smells stew] No. This doesn't smell right.
- Cecil: Golly, [takes spoon] did I forget an ingredient?
- Patrick and Squidina: [both sniff spoon]
- Squidina: Hmm.
- Patrick: It's missing that month-old leftovers aroma.
- [In the fridge, two leftovers are playing cards with each other.]
- Leftovers: [yelp, go back to normal as Cecil opens fridge]
- Cecil: [pours one of the leftovers into soup] Huh.
- [The fridge closes, and the other leftover peeks from inside its container.]
- Cecil: [finishes mixing soup] How's this?
- Patrick and Squidina: [sniff soup]
- Squidina: Needs more dirty laundry umami.
- Cecil: Oh. [runs off, returns grating underwear into the soup, then tosses away grate and underwear] What about now?
- Patrick and Squidina: [sniff soup]
- Squidina: Uh-uh.
- Patrick: Perhaps a pinch of [grabs full trash can] trash.
- Cecil: Oh. [puts pinch of trash into soup, making it explode]
- [Cecil's mustache disappears, and he puts a new one on.]
- Cecils: [fearfully mixes soup, holds out spoon with soup] This has got to be it! Huh?
- Patrick: [sniffs soup] Darn! That's not it! [exits kitchen, Squidina follows] I guess we lost the trail.
- [Cecil tastes a spoonful of the soup, and gags and contorts heavily. He then turns into a giant mutant monster.]
- Cecil: [snorts] Delicious!
- [Cut back to Patrick and Squidina.]
- Patrick: This nose must be on the fritz. [takes nose off, digs inside golf bag]
- Squidina: [looks at camera] While Patrick finds another nose, enjoy this educational classic. [turns on projector]
- Perch: [on screen, holding mic with giant nose] Hi! I'm Perch Perkins, and today, I'll be your guide through the wonderful world of [elephant seal appears on screen] snouts, [unicorn fish appears on screen] snoots, and [human nose appears on screen] schnozes! That's right, kids, [holds out mic with nose on it] noses! [flies into giant blue nose] Follow me! Whoa! [laughs, starts walking] We begin in the factory that's inside everyone's nose! [gestures to an opening inside, which is a bunch of pipes with the word "OLFACTORY" labelled nearby] The olfactory! Uh-huh. [some creatures are smelling from pipes] Here, trained workers test each sniff for smelliness.
- [A green stench comes out of a pipe, and it kills a worker. Cut to a machine spitting out green snot.]
- Perch: [on factory conveyor belt] We end our tour in the snot foundry, where finely crafted boogers are made. [gets covered in snot] This is Perch Perkins reminding you, you can pick your friends and you can pick your [gets picked up by crane] nose, [finger wraps around Perch in the booger] but you can't pick your friend's nose. [laughs]
- [Patrick, with a new nose, puts the booger on his finger. Squidina holds up a board with four other boogers pinned to it.]
- Patrick: [laughs] You're in the [puts booger in middle of board, then pins it] middle.
- Perch: Ouch!
- Squidina: Excellent addition to your booger box. [tosses box aside]
- Perch: [off-screen] Wow!
- Squidina: [pulls Patrick's nose off, replacing it with an elephant trunk] Now that you're done digging for gold, how about we find that smell?
- [Patrick sniffs around, and his elephant trunk points to the right. Patrick runs off as Squidina follows him.
- [Meanwhile, GrandPat is reading a book called "Large Print Romance." His head sags down, and he blows it back up. His head hits his face, and he gets angry. Then, he uses a pump to fill his head with helium. His head grows into a round shape as he starts floating. He reaches downward, but then his head pops, making him fall down.]
- GrantPat: [groans]}
- Patrick: [sniffing from below] I think the freaky, funky smell is coming from [he and Squidina arrive from a platform] GrandPat's room.
- Squidina: It is possible. Old folks collect lots of interesting smells over the years.
- GrandPat: [lifts head up again] You're probably smelling my drumstick [pulls out drumstick] hearing aid.
- Patrick: [sniffs drumstick] I don't think so.
- GrandPat: Maybe my [pulls pants up to reveal olive loaves on his legs] olive loaf shin guards?
- Patrick: [sniffs] Nah.
- GrandPat: [holds up shoe with pasta in it] My pasta salad insoles?
- Patrick: [sniffs] Nope. [eats some pasta, GrandPat tosses shoe away, kicks foot] Phooey! [platform goes down] The funky smell isn't here either!
- GrandPat: [toaster goes off, gasps, reveals toast in trousers] My trouser toast is ready! [toast jumps in trousers like a toaster]
- [Patrick, with his elephant trunk, walks upstairs to a stink line inside a room. Squidina follows.]'
- Patrick: [sniffs] Time to try the stinkiest place of all, [points to door] the upstairs bathroom. [whimpers, twists doorknob]' Tell Ouchie I love him.[gulps, opens door, then enters]
- Squidina: You can do it, brother.
- [Immediately after Squidina shuts the door, fighting is heard inside.]
- Squidina: [whimpers, backs away]
- [Patrick exits the bathroom, and Tinkle tries to reach him while on a chain.]
- Tinkle: [barking]
- Patrick: [tosses trunk at Tinkle, who eats it] Help! I'm too dumb to die!
- Bunny: [scholding, holding toilet brush] Patrick Star! What did I tell you about teasing the toilet?
- Patrick: [Bunny walks by] Aww. I was just trying to find the funky smell.
- Bunny: [brushes Tinkle, gives him toilet paper] Well, it's not Tinkle. I give him a good scrub every day. [walks Tinkle downstairs] Time for walkies. [opens front door and leaves, leaving door open]
- [The stench comes in through the front door. It reaches Patrick and Squidina.]
- Patrick and Squidina: Huh?
- Patrick: Limburger cheese and baby powder! That's the freaky, funky smell!
- Squidina: We're getting closer! [yanks string on electric nose, putting it on Patrick] Time to go high-tech! [both laugh and run outside to a trash can]
- Patrick: [sniffs trash, then sniffs it again, taking everything inside his nose] Nope.
- Squidina: [stench does "come here" gesture] There it is! [both follow stench]
- [The stench is revealed to come a worm's behind. Another worm sniffs it. Patrick sniffs the worms.]
- Worm: Rude! [kicks Patrick with giant spiky boot]
- Patrick: [lands in rose bush] Huh? [sniffs rose, gags, falls to ground]
- Squidina: [emerges from bush, sniffs rose, groans] That's strange. Roses don't stink.
- [A skunk with an air helmet emerges from the bush, and Slappy comes by to pick him up.]
- Slappy: [petting skunk] Aw, nice kitty. Mmm! Ahh. [skunk turns around to spray him, face melts off]
- Patrick: Ugh! [takes nose off] Darn it! [drops nose into radioactive bag Squidina is holding] That wasn't it, either.
- Squidina: [stench comes by] Hold it! [rubs hands together] I smell something... [gags] Funky.
- Patrick: [sniffs with dog nose] Flooded cellar with a touch of mint! We must be getting close!
- Squidina: [sniffs, points to Granny Tentacles' house] It's coming from Granny Tentacles' house.
- Patrick: I smell trouble.
- Squidina: Good! Trouble makes [holds up camera] great TV!
- [Bubble transition to Patrick sniffing up to Granny Tentacles' front door with his nose. Squidina follows.]
- Patrick: [facing camera] Well, friends, we've traced the wild [pokes stench line] freaky, funky smell to its source-- [puts on wrinkled octopus nose] the dangerous den of the [shivers] wild granny! [rings doorbell]
- Granny Tentacles: [opens door] Oh! What brings you precious youngsters over for a visit? [Patrick and Squidina enter] For the 13th time this week.
- [Cut to Granny Tentacles and Squidina sitting at a table while Patrick sniffs around the house.]
- Squidina: We're hunting an elusive aroma that seems to be emanating [Patrick lifts Granny Tentacles' chair] from your house.
- Patrick: [lifts, then tosses table] Nope! Not here!
- Granny Tentacles: [groans]
- Patrick: [takes off tablecloth from table with figurines]
- Granny Tentacles: [gasps, figurines land intact] Phew.
- Patrick: [tips table over, breaking figurines] It's not here either!
- Granny Tentacles: [groans]
- Patrick: [climbs up wall with plungers, then up ceiling, then smells stench] [pulls out lightbulb, sniffs it] Hmm...huh! [lets go of lightbulb]
- [Granny Tentacles tries to catch the lightbulb, and succeeds.]
- Granny Tentacles: Oh...
- Patrick: [sniffs Granny Tentacles]
- Squidina: [at table] Hmm. [holds up candy stuck together] Maybe it's coming from this ball of fossilized candy.
- Patrick: [takes candy, tries to eat it, then teeth break] Eh. [tosses candy] No, not it.
- [The stench taps Patrick on the back, then slaps him.]
- Patrick: [grunts] I smell it!
- Patrick and Squidina: [laugh, go through Granny Tentacles' curtain door]
- Granny Tentacles: [groans]
- [Inside the kitchen, the stench is revealed to be coming from the oven. Patrick and Squidina run inside.]
- Patrick: The smell is coming from the oven! [opens oven door to reveal a meal inside that looks like an octopus head]
- Patrick and Squidina: [yelp]
- Patrick: [investigating meal] Is that what I think it is?
- Squidina: [putting hands over mouth] I'm gonna be sick.
- Patrick and Squidina: Granny Tentacles is a cannibal! [shivering]
- Granny Tentacles: [approaching] Don't be silly, dearies--I wouldn't eat anyone from this neighborhood. [puts meal on top of oven] That's just my gorgonzola cabbage and eggs with olives and pickle surprise.
- Patrick: Oh, yeah. I see it now.
- Squidina: [holds nose] I can definitely smell it. P-U!
- Granny Tentacles: [holds cookie jar of green cookies] Here, have a delicious pickled cabbage cookie.
- Patrick and Squidina: [each taking a cookie] Uh, thanks?
- Granny Tentacles: [Patrick and Squidina leave] Bye, now, you precious darlings.
- [Granny Tentacles picks up the meal and opens a closet, revealing a body made of vegetables. She sets the head on top of it.]
- Granny Tentacles: Live, my grocery golem!
- Golem: [turns to life, roars]
- Granny Tentacles: [tosses cookie to golem] Have a cookie. Now go forth and crush my enemies!
- Patrick: [leaving with Squidina] Case solved, Squidina. I guess the funky smell was just Granny's cooking.
- [The golem breaks a giant hole in Granny Tentacle's house wall, and starts stomping away.]
- Granny Tentacles: [cackles, smells stench trail, holds nose] P-U! What stinks?