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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "I Had an Accident" from season three, which aired on October 4, 2003.
  • Patrick: [screaming while flying on his sandboard, then bashes his body on mountain. The word “DEAD” flashes, also making a "dead" sound effect]
  • [Screen zooms out, revealing that Patrick is only playing a video game with his character while sandboarding down Sand Mountain]
  • Patrick: Aww, I got dead again. This game stinks. [hits a rock and flies and screams then bashes his body on mountain just like on his game]
  • Sandy: See, that's why you must always pay attention to the mountain.
  • SpongeBob: I'm listening to you, mountain! [starts sandboarding, and he passes by Patrick's legs] Don't eat the yellow sand, Patrick.
  • Patrick: Oh, yeah, I forgot. [eats yellow sand on a plate]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, Sandy, watch me do the "Grouchy Squidward".
  • Squidward: [sits at a table drinking tea close to the mountain] Stop naming moves after me!
  • SpongeBob: [imitating Squidward] Everybody's an idiot except for me.
  • Squidward: Well, it's true. [takes a sip]
  • [SpongeBob laughs like Squidward, Sandy and Patrick laugh with him]
  • Sandy: [stops laughing and gasps] SpongeBob! Look out for that tree!
  • SpongeBob: [stops laughing like Squidward] Huh? [avoids tree with scuba diving gear on it] Don't worry, guys, everything is under control, ‘cause I'm an... [hits a log and he goes off the mountain] Expert...! [suddenly stops in mid-air] Huh, that's funny. Someone turned the mountain upside down! [camera reveals that SpongeBob is upside down and not the mountain and he screams as he falls]
  • Sandy: SpongeBob! Land on your bottom! It'll cushion the impact of the fall!
  • SpongeBob: [makes himself right-side up and he takes off his pants] Like this?
  • Patrick: No, your other bottom!
  • Sandy: Don't you have to be stupid somewhere else?
  • Patrick: Not until 4.
  • [SpongeBob crashes into the ground and his bottom breaks into tiny pieces]
  • Sandy: Ooh, that's gotta hurt.
  • Patrick: Do it again! I wasn't looking!
  • [Cuts to the doctor's office]
  • Doctor: Well, it looks like your gluteus maximus has made a full recovery.
  • SpongeBob: My what has a what now?
  • Doctor: Your butt's all better. It's really quite amazing. [he turns an x-ray on] It took twenty hours to put it all back together. [he holds a stapler] We actually ran out of staples and had to use a glue stick [he holds a glue stick]. Yep, you're a lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, luck boy. But from now on, I'd like you to be more careful. One more injury like that and you could wind up like that poor creature there. [points to where the fish is] [we see Tom and his butt is in a giant machine] In the Iron Butt.
  • Tom: [in the Iron Butt] Aww, man. It itches.
  • SpongeBob: [outside hospital] You heard the doctor, SpongeBob. One more injury like that, then it's the Iron Butt. I've been too careless back there. From now on, I am on around the clock butt patrol. [sees Harold behind him] Hep, hep, hep! Stay away from the backside! I'm warning you!
  • Harold: What's your problem? [leaves SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: Whew. That was close.
  • Football Player: Hey, SpongeBob, why don't you join us? We need an extra player. [another football player catches a football] Nice catch, Percy! [slaps Percy's bottom, SpongeBob cringes as he holds his butt]
  • Jimmy: Hey, SpongeBob! [SpongeBob screams as he turns around, while holding his butt] You've gotta try this, dude! We finally got enough people for a seven-mile spanking machine! [crawls between people's legs, who each take turns spanking his butt] Ha, ouch! Ha, ouch! Ha, ouch.
  • Martin: Next. 
  • SpongeBob: No. [screams as he runs off. Everybody looks at him]
  • Squidward: Is this where the line starts?
  • SpongeBob: My butt is not safe out here! [runs inside his house and closes the door] No part of me is safe! [closes the window curtain]
  • [Patrick and Sandy return from another trip from Sand Mountain]
  • Sandy: Yeah. Ride 'em, cowboy! [Patrick starts laughing as they enter SpongeBob's house] Hey, SpongeBob!
  • Patrick: [is still laughing while riding on Sandy's back; Sandy glares at him and he gets off her back as well as clearing his throat afterwards] That was fun. [he stops smiling]
  • Sandy: [Patrick smiles again] Hey, SpongeBob, you ready to go sandboarding again? SpongeBob?
  • [SpongeBob is sitting in a fetal position in the middle of the floor, with a penny, a potato chip, and a wadded-up napkin lying on the floor in front of him]
  • SpongeBob: [with a little smile on his face] Hello, friends. Enjoying the outside world?
  • Sandy: Whatcha all doing sitting in the middle of the floor like that?
  • SpongeBob: Oh, living out the remainder of my life, in safety. If you guys were smart, you would join me. That accident made me realize that it's dangerous out there. I was one of the lucky ones. I'm a survivor. And so I simply decided that I'm never leaving my house again.
  • Sandy: That's crazy talk!
  • Patrick: That's not crazy talk. This is crazy talk. [does various forms of gibberish blabbing, but his third blabbing makes his saliva hit Sandy, making her hammer-fist him to shut him up, bashing his head in] Sorry.
  • SpongeBob: No, Patrick's right, Sandy. You saw what happened and next time it won't just be my butt, it'll be my armpit or my forehead.
  • Patrick: Or your other armpit!
  • SpongeBob: I was wrong to go against nature. I'm a sponge. What was I thinking? Walking… My people are sedentary.
  • Sandy: Just sitting in your house? Ain't you gonna get lonesome?
  • SpongeBob: I won't be lonesome. I've got all the friends I need right here. This is Penny... [holds up a penny] and Chip... [holds up a potato chip] and say hello to Used Napkin. [holds up a used napkin]
  • Sandy: Well, how are you gonna keep your job at the Krusty Krab?
  • SpongeBob: No problem! [he grabs the end of a spatula, which is so long it stretches all the way inside the Krusty Krab] A really long spatula. [flips a patty with the really long spatula]
  • Sandy: What about eating?
  • SpongeBob: I'm a sponge! I'll just filter-feed. [breathes in a different and weird way]
  • Sandy: SpongeBob, sooner or later, you're gonna have to go outside!
  • SpongeBob: Listen, I've told you, but I'm never leaving my house again.
  • Patrick: Never ever?
  • SpongeBob: Never ever ever!
  • Patrick: Never ever ever ever ever for never ever?!
  • SpongeBob: Never ever never never ever ever never!!
  • Patrick: Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever?!
  • SpongeBob: [sighs exasperatedly] Never ever...
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Never never never never ever never ever never…
  • SpongeBob: Alright, Patrick, that is enough! Chip, will you mind showing these two to the door? [throws Chip to the door, opening it, and Patrick and an angry Sandy leave]
  • Patrick: Thank you, Chip. [closes the door. Outside, Sandy is still glaring at SpongeBob] I guess I'll to have to find a new best friend. Hey, Squidward!
  • Squidward: [pops out of his window] No! [slams his window shut]
  • Patrick: Aww!
  • Sandy: Don't worry, Patrick, we'll get SpongeBob to come outside, and then he'll see there's nothing to be afraid of.
  • Patrick: And that's when I [holds a boxing glove] punch him, right? [Sandy gives a bummed look. Patrick and Sandy are jellyfishing outside SpongeBob's house]
  • Sandy: Look at all the jellyfish out here. Too bad SpongeBob's missing out on all the fun.
  • Patrick: [catches a jellyfish] I caught one! [puts head in net and his jellyfish sticks to his face] Huh?
  • SpongeBob: [Patrick gets electrocuted in the background, making him scream in pain] Look at those fools. Risking their lives, jellyfishing. My new hobby is much more safer, isn't it, Chip? Dust collecting. [puts on a pair of glasses and a tiny net and waves it in the air] I think I caught one!
  • Sandy: We've got to try something else!
  • [Patrick and Sandy are holding a cake in front of SpongeBob's house]
  • Sandy and Patrick: ♪Three cheers on your birthday, SpongeBob! Three cheers for you!♪
  • Sandy: Now you got to blow out the candles and make a wish.
  • SpongeBob: I don't need the wish, Penny. Everything I could ever want is right here. In fact, let's sing our own song about the joy of staying indoors. ♪I know of a place where you never get harmed. A magical place with magical charms. Indoors! Indoors! Indoors!♪ Take it away, Penny! [the penny lies silently on the floor]
  • Patrick: [sniffles] That penny has the most beautiful voice.
  • Sandy: [goes inside the window to angrily point at a smiling SpongeBob] That is it, SquarePants! We're gonna find you something that's so dang fun that you'll have to come outside! [goes outside]
  • Sandy: [jumps on a trampoline] Trampoline!
  • Patrick: [holds an ice cream cone] Ice cream.
  • Sandy: [surfs on an underwater wave] Underwater surfing!
  • Patrick: [holds two ice cream cones] Two ice creams.
  • Sandy: [rides on a Ferris wheel] Ferris wheel!
  • Patrick: [the two ice creams are melting] Still two ice creams.
  • Sandy: [struggling with a giant clam] Clam wrestling!
  • Patrick: [washes an old man in a tub] Washing an old person.
  • Sandy: Patrick, that's not fun.
  • Old man: It is for me!
  • [SpongeBob is still "filter-feeding", and Sandy and Patrick watch him through his window]
  • Sandy: Nothing's working, Patrick!
  • Patrick: What do we do?
  • Old man: [appearing from below] I say we take a bath!
  • Sandy: Wha...will you get out of here?
  • [Patrick and Sandy are hiding behind a coral bush and Patrick is in a gorilla suit]
  • Sandy: Now remember. Don't jump out until I give the signal.
  • Patrick: Right. [he zips up his mask]
  • Sandy: [opens the door] All right, SpongeBob. You win. Stay inside forever. Yours is truly the iron will. Now, Pat! [Patrick comes out in the gorilla suit and acts crazy like a gorilla] Eek! A gorilla! Save me, SpongeBob!
  • SpongeBob: Okay, guys, really. This is your saddest attempt yet. Even Chip knows that's Patrick in the same costume that he wore for Halloween last year.
  • Sandy: [Patrick continues dancing] No, really! You've got to come and save me! [Suddenly, a second Patrick shows up out of nowhere with an ice cream]
  • Patrick #2: Hey, Sandy, [SpongeBob gives a startled look] who's your friend?
  • Sandy: [Confused] But you're supposed to be in the gorilla suit.
  • Patrick #1: I am in the gorilla suit. [unzips the gorilla suit] I thought I was doing a pretty good job.
  • Sandy: If you're Patrick, then who's that? [The two look at second Patrick who unzips his head, which reveals a real gorilla underneath which scares them!] Ah! A real gorilla!
  • SpongeBob: [Shocked] Huh?! [The gorilla rips out of the Patrick suit it is wearing. Sandy and Patrick are screaming. The gorilla grabs the scared Patrick and Sandy, puts them in a bag, and repeatedly beats them] Oh, my gosh! [Sandy and Patrick are still screaming while the gorilla beats them] This can't be happening! [The gorilla hits Patrick and Sandy using a chair, then beating them some more] This is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about! [the gorilla can be seen still beating up the sack outside the window; it also does things like dribbling the sack and bouncing on it like it's a ball] Well, they were asking for it. It's not like I didn't warn them about the dangers of outside. Yes, Chip, I know they're my two dearest friends in the world, but I told them, I wasn't going outside no matter what. We can do without the name calling, thank you very much, Used Napkin! I know, Chip. If I was out there, bagged by an ape, Patrick and Sandy would risk anything to save me. And I've got to do the same for them. If I don't come back alive, Chip, take good care of Gary.
  • Gary: [eats Chip, killing him] Meow.
  • SpongeBob: [looks behind] Well, here we go. From the safety of my home, to the outside world. [gulps and shakes as he reaches for the door. The door shakes as well until SpongeBob opens it] I'm taking my [walks slowly] first step. [continues walking] So far, so good. I think I can do this! [the wind blows a piece of paper onto his face; SpongeBob screams] Oh, dear Neptune, get off of me, get off of me! Chip! Help me, help me! [Squidward waters his plants and rolls his eyes and SpongeBob removes the paper off his face] I'm still alive! I did it! I made it outside! Nothing can stop me now! [the gorilla grabs SpongeBob] Is it too late to go back inside again? [the gorilla rips SpongeBob in half]
  • 1st half of SpongeBob: It's too late. [the gorilla screeches] Patrick? Sandy?
  • Patrick and Sandy: [still in the bag] Yes, SpongeBob?
  • 1st half of SpongeBob: I'm sorry I caused all this. I'm not scared of going outside anymore. But I'm terrified of gorillas now.
  • Sandy: [shaken] Ah, that's okay, SpongeBob. Us too.
  • First half of SpongeBob: You know what I don't understand though? [moves to the second half of SpongeBob]
  • Second half of SpongeBob: What?
  • First half of SpongeBob: What's the gorilla doing underwater in the first place? [the gorilla's eyes widen]
  • Gorilla: [man's voice] Oh! Well, it's funny you should, uh, you see, George, they're on to us! [A zebra rushes onto the screen]
  • George: Let's get outta here! [the gorilla gets on George and rides away with him. Patrick, Sandy, and the two halves of SpongeBob are watching the gorilla ride on George into the sunset. Text reads: The End. The screen zooms out to reveal a family watching the episode on TV in bemusement. The father turns to the mother and gives her a confused look, he shakes his head, and turns off the TV]

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