View source for I'm with Stupid/transcript

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{{EpisodeTranscript}}
{{L|''[Patrick's house is shaking. SpongeBob knocks on it. Every time he does, it closes. He opens it himself. Patrick is cleaning frantically. He feather-dusts SpongeBob.]''}}
{{L|Patrick|Need... furniture! ''[makes a lamp post model out of the sand, then licks it to make it remain in shape; he then makes a sand drawer, television, stool, and a couch. The whole time he is still frantically mumbling.]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Patrick, what's with the home improvement?}}
{{L|''[Patrick barks like a dog and continues to clean.]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Hey, Patrick!}}
{{L|Patrick|Ooh, sweep, sweep! ''[sweeps around the walls of his house and the air]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Well, Patrick, I came over to see if you wanted to go jellyfishing, but I can see you're busy having an episode.}}
{{L|Patrick|''[stops cleaning and his face turns mad]'' You know something, SpongeBob? It's just all fun and games for you. Nothing really matters. ''[imitates SpongeBob]'' "Oh, let's go jellyfishing! We don't have any work to do!" Life is just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews, and nobody has anything to dust or to clean or to wipe! Or fabricate!}}
{{L|SpongeBob|But, Patrick, the only thing I've ever seen you clean is your plate.}}
{{L|Patrick|''[snaps out of being angry and starts crying]'' I don't know what to do, SpongeBob! You gotta help me!}}
{{L|SpongeBob|''[gasps]'' Patrick! You forgot how to eat again! Come on, we'll get the funnel!}}
{{L|Patrick|No, it's not that, SpongeBob! It's worse!}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Darn, I like the funnel. Well, what is it, then?}}
{{L|Patrick|Look! ''[takes out a rolled-up flashcard from his belly button]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Hey, a note! ''[shows a sixteenth note from the paper note]''}}
{{L|Patrick|Yeah, but turn it over, there's a letter!}}
{{L|''[The letter B is shown from the paper note.]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|You're right!}}
{{L|Patrick|And I got this message from my parents! ''[hands out a small message]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Your parents? ''[reads the message out loud]'' "Dear Patrick, your mom and I are coming out tomorrow for Starfish Day. Please try to remember, but don't try too hard, or you'll hurt yourself like last time. Love, Daddy."}}
{{L|Patrick|SpongeBob, my parents think I'm dumber than a sack of diapers.}}
{{L|SpongeBob|No, they don't, Patrick. Parents just like to push your buttons. Like this! ''[pushes Patrick's nipples and his eyes elongate]'' Nee!}}
{{L|Patrick|''[laughs]'' That always cheers me up. ''[his eyes go back to normal]'' But not today.}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Patrick, if your parents think you're dumb, then they must not know what dumb really is.}}
{{L|Patrick|But don't they watch television?}}
{{L|SpongeBob|That's what I'm saying, Pat. If your parents got to meet a real dummy, they'd realize what a genius you really are.}}
{{L|Patrick|But don't geniuses live in a lamp? And besides, we don't know any dumb people.}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Don't worry, Patrick. I'll be the dummy! When your parents see how dumb I act, they'll think you're the smartest guy ever.}}
{{L|Patrick|Math is power!}}
{{L|''[Bubble transition to the next day. Patrick is in front of his mirror.]''}}
{{L|Patrick|A, B, C, D, E, F, G... ''[the doorbell rings]'' Oh! H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O...!}}
{{L|Janet|Should I get the bullhorn again, Marty?}}
{{L|Patrick|W, X, Y, and Z! ''[Marty doesn't realize the door has been opened and knocks on Patrick's head]'' Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.}}
{{L|Marty|Son, you recognized us this time.}}
{{L|Patrick|Why wouldn't I recognize my own parents?}}
{{L|Marty|You never were a bright one.}}
{{L|''[Patrick groans. Marty laughs.]''}}
{{L|Marty|Well, aren't you gonna show us inside?}}
{{L|Janet|He probably forgot where it is.}}
{{L|Patrick|Well, I know where it...}}
{{L|Marty|Oh, let me lead the way so we don't get lost. ''[Patrick, Marty, and Janet hold hands]'' Huh? Hold hands now! ''[inside the house]'' Okay, we're almost there! Let go on three. One... two... three! ''[Marty and Janet let go of Patrick's hands on three]''}}
{{L|Janet|Good job!}}
{{L|Marty and Janet|Pats for Patrick! ''[both laugh as Patrick looks annoyed]''}}
{{L|Patrick|I'll go get the beverages. ''[leaves, then comes back with a tray with three drinks on it]''}}
{{L|Marty|Wow, son. You put the drinks ''in'' something this time. Ah, son, you must've been working all night to put these together for us.}}
{{L|Janet and Marty|We love you. ''[both kiss Patrick as he looks even more annoyed and groans]''}}
{{L|Patrick|''[the doorbell rings]'' Hooray, the idiot's here! I mean, I'll get it.}}
{{L|''[Outside, SpongeBob is putting on his karate helmet.]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Protective helmet, check.}}
{{L|Gary|Meow.}}
{{L|SpongeBob|I'm supposed to look stupid, Gary.}}
{{L|Gary|Meow? ''[goes back to SpongeBob's house]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|What could go wrong?}}
{{L|''[Patrick's rock opens.]''}}
{{L|Patrick|What a surprise.}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Hi.}}
{{L|Patrick|Mom, Dad, meet my neighbor, SpongeBob.}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Hi.}}
{{L|Marty|Hello there.}}
{{L|Janet|How do you do?}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Hi. ''[walks to Patrick's parents]''}}
{{L|Marty|Put 'er there.}}
{{L|''[SpongeBob puts a doll on his hand.]''}}
{{L|Doll|Mama! Mama!}}
{{L|Patrick|He means "shake." ''[SpongeBob shakes his entire body]'' No, SpongeBob, no! Shake hands. ''[SpongeBob shakes both his hands]'' No, SpongeBob. Grab my dad's hand. ''[puts both his hands and his left leg on Marty's hand]'' Grab it with only one hand. ''[puts his left leg and hand down]'' Good boy! Now, move your arm up and down. ''[SpongeBob moves his shoulder up and down. Patrick giggles]''}}
{{L|Janet|So, SpongeBob. Do you live nearby?}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Hi.}}
{{L|Patrick|No, SpongeBob. Show them your house. ''[SpongeBob pulls up his pants and reveals a blouse]'' No, not your blouse, your ''house''.}}
{{L|''[SpongeBob screams and runs over to his house. He runs into the shell and gets stuck.]''}}
{{L|Janet|He lives in a fruit?}}
{{L|Marty|That's unhealthy.}}
{{L|''[Patrick tries hard not to laugh but he sweats.]''}}
{{L|Patrick|''[giggles]'' Hey, SpongeBob! You wanna stay for dinner?}}
{{L|SpongeBob|''[babbling like an idiot]''}}
{{L|''[Later, Patrick, Marty, and Janet are watching television while eating TV dinners.]''}}
{{L|Marty|Does he always do that after he eats?}}
{{L|Patrick|Only on Wednesday.}}
{{L|''[Pan over to SpongeBob pushing his nose to reveal his underwear. When he lets go, his pants pull up by themselves. This is repeated a few times. SpongeBob makes a buzzer sound after that. Patrick giggles.]''}}
{{L|Marty|''[starts giggling with Patrick]'' Uh, Patrick, I think your friend might be broken.}}
{{L|Patrick|Yeah. And it would take more than some masking tape to fix that guy.}}
{{L|''[SpongeBob balances on his nose while making a fire truck siren sound. Makes other various sounds, including a cat yowl sound.]''}}
{{L|Marty|Whoa! Is he gonna be okay? ''[seal barks]''}}
{{L|Patrick|Oh, that's nothing. ''[dolphin chirps]'' You should see him in the morning prancing around yelling "I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!" ''[rooster crows]'' He drives all the neighbors crazy. ''[horn sounds]'' Why, just the other day, our neighbor Squidward was-}}
{{L|''[SpongeBob jumps backwards over Patrick, Janet, and Marty while making an elephant trumpet sound, then he crashes on the floor.]''}}
{{L|Patrick|...was really no help for him.}}
{{L|''[SpongeBob makes imprints of his front and back twice on the wall.]''}}
{{L|Patrick|I mean, look at the way he's dressed. Only somebody with holes drilled in their head would wear that stuff. And how about his shape? I mean, I've heard of barrel-chested, ''[points at SpongeBob, then shows a closeup of his pants]'' but never box-chested! ''[Janet, Marty, and Patrick laugh, but SpongeBob frowns]'' Hey, SpongeBob, do you have any ''mascara'' I could borrow? ''[rolls his fingers over SpongeBob's eyebrows, twanging to sound like elastic rubber bands]''}}
{{L|Marty|''[chuckles]'' The boy wears make-up?}}
{{L|Janet|What a card! ''[everyone laughs, except SpongeBob, now very annoyed]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|''[confused]'' Hey, Patrick! Patrick!}}
{{L|Patrick|Aw, ''[points at SpongeBob]'' he said my name.}}
{{L|Marty|Wow, how'd you train him to do that?}}
{{L|''[Patrick, Janet, and Marty all laugh, while SpongeBob is mad. He bites Patrick's finger.]''}}
{{L|Patrick|Ow! He bit me!}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Patrick, meet me in the kitchen.}}
{{L|Patrick|Oh, I guess the dummy wants to have a private conversation. ''[Janet and Marty laugh]'' A dumb one! ''[they laugh again, as SpongeBob and Patrick enter the kitchen]'' So, what's on your mind? Oh, wait, I already know the answer. Nothing! ''[laughs very hard]'' See, that's funny. 'Cause you're dumb!}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Patrick, could you let up on the insults just a little bit?}}
{{L|Patrick|Oh, were those too complicated for you? I'll try dumb-ing them down a bit.}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Patrick, I get the feeling that you think I really ''am'' dumb!}}
{{L|''[SpongeBob glances at Patrick's T-shirt, "I'M WITH THE DUMMY" with an arrow pointing towards SpongeBob.]''}}
{{L|Patrick|That's just what I'd expect you to say. Dumb people are always blissfully unaware of how dumb they really are. ''[drools]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|I'm only ''pretending'' to be dumb. It was our plan, remember?}}
{{L|Patrick|Oh, SpongeBob, if only you could see how stupid you sound right now, ''[SpongeBob is shocked]'' with your talk of imaginary plans... Tell you what. You've caught me at a good mood. I'll humor you. Go on, go out there and act "smart" for everyone.}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Okay, I will! ''[takes off his helmet and gives it to Patrick]''}}
{{L|Patrick|''[puts on the helmet]'' And don't worry, I'll keep this warm for ya.}}
{{L|SpongeBob|''[in front of Janet and Marty, clears throat]'' I have a confession to make. I lied about being stupid. I just acted like a fool so you would appreciate Patrick a little bit more. I know how to talk, and eat, and do laundry. I even separate the darks from the lights. So what do you say we start over and try again? ''[holds out his hand]'' Hi! My name is SpongeBob SquarePants, and I am not a dummy.}}
{{L|Marty|''[laughs]'' Amazing! Three minutes in the kitchen and our son has taught him to talk in complete sentences. ''[puts his right thumb up]'' Oh, good work, son.}}
{{L|Patrick|''[puts his left thumb up]'' It wasn't easy, Dad.}}
{{L|SpongeBob|''[sputtering]'' But... but, but, but, but, but, but...}}
{{L|Janet|It looks like it's time for your next lesson, young man!}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Now, listen to me! I'm not dumb! I have a brain! See? Here's a picture of it. ''[he shows them a small picture of his brain]''}}
{{L|Patrick|That must be actual size. ''[all except SpongeBob laugh]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|No! It's normal size and fully functional! Watch! ''[writes "2 + 2 &equals; 4" on Patrick's chalkboard]'' Two plus two equals four!}}
{{L|Marty|Oh, son, you taught him math, too!}}
{{L|SpongeBob|No!}}
{{L|Marty|''And'' you taught him to sing! ''[SpongeBob is blabbering and sputtering, then starts tensing up]'' Oh, now he's short-circuiting. You must have taught him a little too much.}}
{{L|''[SpongeBob imagines the three all laughing hard, because of SpongeBob's intelligence. Marty and Janet look at each other and laugh; then the three starfish all do the can-can. He imagines the three popping out of SpongeBob's pores. SpongeBob is inside Janet, who is laughing, inside Marty, who is also laughing, inside Patrick, who is also laughing, inside his eye.]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|''[screams and runs towards the wall, crashing through the wall outside]''}}
{{L|Marty|You know, son, I've always known that when it comes to brightness, well, you're about a three-watt. But this guy. He's a wet match in a dark cave. He makes phone operators seem smart. ''[clears his throat]'' But more importantly, son, he's shown me what a sharp, quick-witted boy you've become. ''[hugs him]'' Ha! I feel like I'm really meeting you for the first time. Isn't that right, Janet?}}
{{L|Janet|You bet, Marty.}}
{{L|Patrick|''[his eyes widen and is now in shock]'' Janet?! Marty?! Who are you people?!}}
{{L|Janet|Marty, I'm scared!}}
{{L|''[The doorbell rings, then the rock opens up. Squidward (who's looking put out), Herb, and Margie are outside his rock. Squidward answers the door.]''}}
{{L|Squidward|Excuse me, does this lovely couple belong to you? They've been standing outside my house saying "Where's Patrick?" all day. It's driving me nuts!}}
{{L|''[Janet and Marty are standing outside.]''}}
{{L|Patrick|Mom! Dad! ''[hugs them]''}}
{{L|Herb Star|Wow, son. You actually recognized us this time.}}
{{L|Margie Star|And you remembered to get dressed today. ''[Patrick, Herb, and Margie laugh]''}}
{{L|Marty|Oh, that's right, honey. We don't ''have'' a son.}}
{{L|Janet|Oh, yeah.}}
{{L|''[Both Janet and Marty walk out of Patrick's house. Patrick and his parents laugh as their rock closes over them, then the screen fades to black, ending the episode.]''}}