Home ECCH!/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Home ECCH!" from season 1, which aired on April 19, 2023.

[The episode opens with a shot of the Bikini Bottom School. A squelching noise is heard as the title text appears. The teacher rings a triangle.]
Teacher: Time's up, everyone! Put down your ladles! [takes out pen and clipboard] I'm excited to see what you've [swings arm] all cooked up for home ec.
[A little girl puts a clam on a plate. It opens to show a ham and pineapple with a fork in it.]
Teacher: Ooh, my. Honey-glazed clam. [tastes it] Marvelous!
[The girl smiles. The teacher walks over to a kid standing behind a loaf of meat in a bed of lettuce with coral surrounding it.]
Teacher: Reef Wellington. [tastes it] An A-plus for you.
Kid: [chuckles]
[Squidina is making a gross-looking dish full of random objects. She grinds pepper on it and puts a cherry on it.]
Teacher: Next up, we have-- [sees it] uhhh...
Squidina: [takes out fork, with ominous lighting] Squidina's pickle pie.
[A tentacle comes out of the pie and wiggles.]
Teacher: Uhh-uhh...
Squidina: Aren't you going to try it? [sadly] You tried all my other projects.
Teacher: Your other projects-- [zoom into his eyes echoing] Projects, projects...
[Flashback: Squidina gives the teacher a sweater. He puts it on and the pins stick out.]
Squidina: [nervously] I might have left some pins in it.
Teacher: [groans]
[Flashback: The teacher watches a kid vacuum. Squidina taps him on the shoulder.]
Squidina: Excuse me.
Teacher: Hmm?
Squidina: You've got something on your shirt.
[Squidina vacuums up his pen and clipboard, then his shirt, then his skin, then his muscular system, exposing his skeleton.]
Teacher: Oh!
[Flashback: Squidina is ironing something.
Squidina: [humming]
[Zoom out to show she's ironing the teacher's head.]
Teacher: [whimpering]
[Return to the present day. Zoom out from the teacher's eyes. Squidina is waving her fork at him.]
Squidina: Pretty please?
Teacher: [groans, scoops up pie, then puts it against his tongue]
[Cut to an ambulance driving through town and to the hospital. Squidina drags her face on the ground while walking back home.]
Squidina: [groaning]
[Patrick is using a vibrating exercise belt and licking a lollipop. Squidina comes in.]
Patrick: Oh, hey, sis. [Squidina's face is drooping to the floor] Why the long face?
Squidina: [picks face off the ground] I poisoned my home ec teacher again.
Patrick: [falls off belt] Oof! The pickle recipe?
Squidina: [sadly] The pickle recipe.
[Squidina shows her report card. She has an A+ in art, math, and science, and an A++ in history.]
Squidina: Oh, I'm totally failing home ec. If I can't make something [card flips down to show her home ec grade, whcih has a red skull drawn in the box, and a grading chart] that raises my grade, [cut to Squidina and two other students melting from the sun in a barren wasteland] I'll have to go to summer school!
Patrick: [lying backwards] Why don't you try doing something you're good at? [waves arms] Oh, like making my show! You can make my show about home ec for your teacher.
Squidina: Hmm. [points] That could work. But if I'm starring in the show, who's going to run the camera?
[Patrick rolls himself into the kitchen and bowling pins come flying out. A machine pushes the pins back. Patrick is dropped down, wearing Squidina's outfit and with a cardboard triangle taped on his head.]
Patrick: Me, as [rotates cardboard to show his face] you! [pushes Squidina to the studio room] Here we go!
Squidina: Whee!
Patrick: [pushes Squidina on-stage] Don't worry!
Squidina: Whoa!
Patrick: I'll take care of all the backstage stuff!
Squidina: [burbles, shakes her head]
Patrick: [removes a red backdrop to one show a man running from a castle and screaming] You'll show him [removes it to show a billboard with a mother and her baby, with face holes cut in] how good you [removes it to show an insurance advertisement with Patrick in a suit, as text reads "Motorcyle Accident? That's too bad. I'm wearing a suit."] are at home [throws the ad away] ec with... [ruins off-stage and comes back in a beatnik uniform, in French accent] the magic of cinema!
[Patrick turns on a camera, which is first aimed at the ceiling. He points it to Squidina.]
Patrick: [grunting]
Squidina: [puts hands together] OK. [puts hands behind back]] I guess I'm ready. But how will my teacher see this if he's still in the hospital?
Patrick: Hold on!
[The camera angle skews as Patrick drops it to the floor. He runs through the wall and to the hospital. He wheels in a mirror and takes it to the teacher, who is laying on an operating table with three doctors around him.]
Purple doctor: Move this over here...
Patrick: [pushes doctors away] Excuse me.
[The heart monitor beeps. Patrick positions the mirror in front of the teacher, grabs his eyes, and opens them. He gives a thumbs up.]
Patrick: Good! [runs off]
[The mirror shows static, then a title card reading "Home Ink with... Squidina!"]
Patrick and Squidina: Home Ink with... Squidina!
[Ink splatters on the title card. A stamp of Squidina wearing a gardening outfit and smelling flowers in Tinkle's bowl, with the word "Life" next to it, slides by. A toilet flushing is heard. The next stamp shows Squidina peeling an orange with a mechanical device and has "Home" next to it. The third has Squidina painting Patrick with a paint roller and "House" next to it. The final stamp shows the title as Squidina poses in front of a fire as ambulance sirens blare. Cut to Squidina on the show.]
Squidina: [notices camera] Good home ink to all you viewers out there, including any who might be in a hospital suffering from food poisoning. [waves nervously] I'm here to show you some great home economic techniques that are worth a C-minus, [waves hand] at least. [motions up] First up-- [a shadow appears over her] huh?
[A bed is hanging from a rope above Squidina.]
Squidina: [gasping]
[Backstage, Patrick is pulling on a lever to keep the bed up. He strains, pushes too hard, and the lever shreds his face.]
Patrick: [grunting] Ah! Oof!
[The ropes holding up the bed snap, and Squidina jumps out of the way.]
Squidina: [groans]
[Cut to a title card: "Shakin' Up Makin' Up the Bed!"]
Squidina and Patrick: Shakin' up makin' up the bed!
[Patrick holds the card out, with his face mangled from the lever. He falls sideways.]
Squidina: The first thing you want to do is clear off your bed.
[She removes the covers and sees GrandPat asleep on it.]
GrandPat: [snoring]
Squidina: [gasps]
GrandPat: [mumbles]
Squidina: [lifts up his head] GrandPat, I have to make the bed. GrandPat!
[She opens his eyes. A duck floats through them, making a quack noise. Squidina tries to drag GrandPat off the bed, but can't. She looks at the camera.]
Squidina: [nervous giggle]
[Cut to the same title card, but with "with special guest Grand-Pat!" written on the corner.]
Patrick: Shakin' Up Makin' Up the Bed! [moves card] With special guest GrandPat!
[Squidina stands on the bed and folds the blanket into a swan.]
Squidina: Ta-da!
Patrick: No, no. The sheet's got to be completely [moves arm] smoooooth. [holds up a staple gun] And tight.
[Squidina staples GrandPat's skin to the edges of the bed. She struggles for the third one. She pants and throws the stapler away, then gestures to the bed.]
Squidina: [exhausted] Ta-da!
GrandPat: [grunting] Huh? Oh! You made the bed with my old saggy skin. That's a pickle! But hey, no wrinkles! [laughs]
Patrick: [gestures to GrandPat] Now, I bet that's worth an A.
[Zoom out to show the teacher watching it.]
Teacher: [disgusted] Huh!? What is that!? [screams, has heart attack]
[The heart monitor flatlines. Two doctors run up.]
Doctors: [worried] Uh-oh.
[They charge their defibrillators.]
Purple doctor: Clear!
[Cut to another title card: "Ready, Set, Go... Set the Table!"]
Patrick and Squidina: Ready, Set, Go... Set the Table!
[Cut to a card reading "Special Guest Dad!"]
Patrick, Squidina, and Cecil: Special guest: Dad!
[Cecil, wearing a blue jacket, is shown to be holding the card. He throws it away.]
Cecil: Lucky for your show, I was my high school's [holds out trophy] cutlery placing champion.
Squidina: Ooh!
Cecil: Yep, they called me Hot Tongs back then. Heh. Now, [throws trophy away] setting the perfect table is about identifying and placing all the right [mimes placing fork] forks.
Squidina: Uh, how many forks?
Cecil: Why, all of them, dear.
[He pulls down a rope, and a tube dumps a bunch of forks into the kitchen.]
Squidina: Ahh!
Cecil: [holding stopwatch] Ready, [presses it down] go!
[Squidina runs, grabs the forks, and carries them past as a screen transition. On the table, a plate has already been set, and she places down more forks.]
Squidina: [places normal fork] Table fork, [places bent fork with a leaf on it] salad fork, [places more bent fork with a cherry on it] fruit fork, [places down small fork] shrimp fork--
Shrimp fork: Who you calling shrimp?
Squidina: [places down mini chair-shaped fork] Chair fork, [places a fork with prongs on both ends] double fork, [places an invisible fork] invisible fork--
French Narrator: [narrating time card] Many, many, many forks later...
[Cut to Patrick in the kitchen, aiming a video camera at the start of the table.]
Patrick: Ladies and gentlemen, and home ec teachers, [climbs table and crawls on it, rolling up the tablecloth and knocking over forks] have you ever seen such an impeccable place setting? Ooh-la-la. Choo-choo! [gets rolled up in tablecloth] Ah! Squidina, help meee!
Squidina, now very exhausted, is placing more forks on the table.]
Squidina: [places down fork with long, mechanical handle] Extendable fork, [places down fork with eyeglasses] granny fork, [places down tuning fork] tuning fork, [puts forklift on table] forklift, [puts snake on table] forked tongue, [puts a fork-shaped piece of road on the table] fork in the road, [puts an interstate sign on the table] fork five six, [holds up bendy fork] forkle, [puts it on the table and falls over] fork-fork, [holds up spoon] and just... one... more... fork. [climbs to edge of table]
Cecil: [at the end of the table, holding his hands together] You spent the last two hours setting out cutlery. Now do you have what it takes to place this [sticks out eye] final fork?
Squidina: Fork?... [points to spoon] But this is a spoon.
Cecil: [loudly] Correct! [leans over table] Correct! [tearing up] Beautiful. You not only know all the forks, you know what type of fork isn't a fork!
Squidina: [cheering]
Cecil: [backflips off the table] Aha! Now get over here!
[Squidina jumps into Cecil and he swings her around, then tosses her into the air.]
Squidina: [laughing] Whee! Ah-ha-ha! [lands in Cecil's arms, looks around] Hey, where's Patrick? He's missing great footage.
Squidina and Cecil: Huh!?
Patrick: [rolling in a tablecloth full of forks] Squidinaaa!
[The tablecloth ball lands on Squidina and Cecil, creating a fork-shaped explosion cloud as forks fly everywhere. Forks rain down the screen. In the hospital, the teacher is waking up and scratching his head.]
Teacher: [weak groaning]
Patrick: [off-screen] And that's how you place all the forks...
[On the screen, Patrick, Cecil, and Squidina are covered in forks.]
Patrick: In Dad!
[Cecil smiles to show forks in his mouth.]
Patrick, Cecil, and Squidina: [groaning]
[A fork falls out of Cecil's mouth.]
Teacher: [spasms, collapses, heart monitor flatlines]
[A flower sprouts from between the teacher's hands. The two doctors jump on him and shock him with defibrillators. Forks transition to Squidina removing one from her forehead, back on stage. She shakes her head and throws the fork away.]
Squidina: Wow! Can you believe all the skills we picked up today? It's been fun! [shows TV screen] Learning how to sew...
[On the screen, Squidina is riding an out-of-control sewing machine and making a scarf. Slappy is running away. The entire room is covered in knitting.]
Squidina and Slappy: Ahh-ahh-ahh!
[The machine runs over Slappy and knits him to the scarf. Cut to Squidina and Granny Tentacles, who is dressed as a baby, in a crib. Squidina takes a giant pin out of a diaper bag.]
Squidina: How to care for a baby! [pin gleams, Granny Tentacles looks nervous]
[Cut to Patrick and Squidina fighting over the phone.]
Squidina: And proper telephone etiquette! [zoom out, lets go of screen, claps] So home economical! Now it's time for the main course!
[Cut to a title card: "What's Cookin'."
Patrick and Squidina: What's Cookin'!
[Patrick is holding the card. He tip-toes away.]
Patrick: ♪ Tra la la la la, tra la! ♪
[Squidina, with a nervous expression, stands behind an oven and a table with ingredients on it.]
Squidina: To show my teacher I have what it takes to avoid summer school, I'm going to make [displays recipe book] pickle pie. Heh-heh. Which I can totally do... [breaks down] Oh, who am I kidding? [pushes ingredients off the table] I'll just end up poisoning someone else! [puts head on table] To death! [sobbing]
Slappy: Mmm. Pickle pie.
Squidina: [looks, gasps] Huh?
[Slappy is still knitted to the room's ceiling.]
Slappy: That was Mother's favorite. You look like you could use some advice.
Squidina: [wipes her eyes] Yes?
Slappy: First, grab some pickles.
[Squidina looks around and holds up a jar of pickles.]
Slappy: Excellent. Now, swirl the milk.
[Squidina is mixing a bowl of milk.]
Slappy: Mix in the crackers and salt.
[Squidina pours in a box of crackers and sprinkles salt in the bowl, then keeps mixing it.]
Slappy: And tickle the sprouts.
Squidina: [tickles sprouts with a feather] Coochie-coo!
Sprouts: [giggling]
Slappy: Now bruise the pickles!
[Squidina, wearing a boxing outfit, punches the pickles.]
Slappy: Now give the dough a toy.
[Squidina puts a wind-up clown toy on the dough.]
Squidina: Aww!
Slappy: [with ominous red lighting] Now break that toy! Break it good! [cackling]
[Squidina smashes the doll with her rolling pin, laughing. Transition to the oven. The timer dings and the light goes from red to green. Squidina is covered in dough.]
Squidina: Huh? Ooh, pie time! [opens the oven, and a burst of light comes out] Ahh! Huh? [the completed pickle pie is shown inside, she takes it and pushes the ingredients off the table] The perfect pickle pie! [downbeat, as Patrick looks on] Gee, I wish my teacher could taste it. Oh, but he's in the hospital.
Patrick: [grabs Squidina and the pie] Come! [jumps over the table and runs] We fly!
[The wall has been barricaded where Patrick last ran through the door. He crashes into the wall next to it, making another hole.]
Patrick: Ugh!
Slappy: [proudly] Go get 'em, girl.
Patrick: [running to hospital] Wee-woo! Wee-woo! Wee-woo! Wee-woo!
[Squidina kicks in the hospital doors.]
Squidina: Nobody move!
Patrick and Squidina: Huh?
[Doctors are watching the Grim Reaper, who is about to pull the teacher's soul out of his body. Everyone turns and gasps at Squidina's entrance.]
Squidina: [kicks the Grim Reaper over] Nooo! You [slaps soul] can't be [slaps it again] dead! [pushes it in his body] I need you to [shakes the teacher's body] give me an A-plus! [cries]
[Squidina then notices the items on the counter. The first is a set of forks, which gleam.]
Squidina: Forks?
[Pan to a sewing machine, scissors, and spool of thread.]
Squidina: A needle and thread?
[Pan to a broom, vacuum, and cleaning supplies. The vacuum has a yellow burst behind it.]
Squidina: Appliances? [gasps] I know what I can do!
[Squidina jumps over the table and runs. Patrick records her.]
Purple doctor: Stop! Please! We did all we could!
Squidina: [points] Well, you didn't do all that I could!
[She throws the purple doctor away and kicks the tan one. Squidina bundles up the items on the counter into a cloth, then grabs the vacuum and puts it on top.]
Squidina: I may need to pass, but my teacher doesn't!
[Squidina throws the ball of supplies at Patrick. She gets on a step stool and prepares to operate on her teacher. She puts on gloves and opens a compartment on his hospital gown.]
Squidina: Hmm. [holds out hand and closes eyes] Surgical fork.
[Patrick gives her a fork, which she stares at intently, then uses to scoop the teacher's organs into a bowl]
Squidina: Surgical vacuum.
[The vacuum is sucking Patrick's face in. She gives Patrick the bowl and removes the vacuum from his face. Squidina vacuums out the contents of the pickle pie from the teacher's stomach. Patrick watches it go in and smiles at the camera. The vacuum is tossed into a garbage can and partially splatters against the wall. Patrick sniffs the bowl of organs and sticks his tongue out. Squidina grabs the organs and dumps them back into the teacher's body. She wipes her forehead and then adjusts the organs. She puts the cloth back over like a bedsheet, and staples the corners shut with a staple gun. She pulls out a sewing machine.]
Squidina: And some finishing touches!
[Squidina sews the incision in his skin up.]
Squidina: [nervously] Please work. Please work.
[The teacher suddenly smiles as a bell dings. He sits up and stretches.]
Teacher: I live! Huh? [rubs eyes, impressed] Squidina? Did you-- [puts glasses on] save me?
Squidina: [proudly] Yes! With the power of home economics. How about we celebrate with some [takes out pickle pie] pickle pie? [teacher recoils, she holds out a fork] Pretty please?
Teacher: I-- [shivers] well, I-- [takes fork and pokes the pie] is it safe?
[Cut to an operating window. Four doctors pound on the glass as another motions "no".]
Four doctors: Eat it! Eat it!
Tan doctor: No! Don't eat it! Don't eat it!
Teacher: Well, [to Squidina] four out of five doctors can't be wrong! [tastes pickle pie]
[Cut to an ambulance driving through town. It drives past the hospital, where Squidina and her teacher are eating pickle pie on a bench out front. Patrick still has his camera.]
Patrick: Where are they going? [records them eating the pie] The pickle party is right here.
Teacher: [swallows] Tastes like an A-plus!
Squidina: [swallows] Acquired taste acquired!
Squidina and teacher: [laughing]
Teacher: Wait! Does this contain... gluten?
[The teacher suddenly swells up from a gluten allergy and chokes.]
Squidina: Yikes!
[Close out on the pickle pie that Squidina holds.]