Gimme a News Break/transcript

This article is a transcript of the Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years episode "Gimme a News Break" from season 1, which aired on July 22, 2021.

[A clam on top of the Kamp Koral sign crows, signifying the morning. In Jelly Meadows, some campers are trying to catch jellyfish. A female camper tries to catch one, but spins and falls down the hill. Perch Perkins is in front of a camera being managed by Harvey.]
Perch: [on microphone] Good morning, Kampers. I'm Perch Perkins and this is Kamp Koral Action News. How's that sound, Harvey? [Harvey gives thumbs up, which changes to a thumbs down] Eh. Aw.
Harvey: Hang on, Perch. I gotta do a mic check before we go live. [spitting on mic] Bubble Bass's blubbery bottom bounces backwards buoyantly. [gives Perch back the microphone, now covered in spit] Okay, all set. [behind camera] And we're rolling.
[SpongeBob is shown failing to catch a jellyfish. Perch shows up next to him, startling SpongeBob.]
Perch: SpongeBob! I can't believe you're the only kid in camp history, [SpongeBob's net falls into his head] who's never caught a jellyfish.
SpongeBob: Yeah, I can't believe it either, Perch. Isn't that funny? [eyes swell up with tears, sniffles]
Perch: Actually, if you had caught any jellyfish you wouldn't be on the show.
SpongeBob: [tears transfer to his nose, expanding it] Oh. [nose releases tears] Oh, yeah. [releases net and laughs]
Harvey: [in front of camera] This just in. There's a Martian invasion underway, and that's a Martian laugh if I ever heard one.
Patrick: [bumping heads with Harvey] Martian invasion?
SpongeBob and Patrick: [SpongeBob comes into camera on other side] Martian invasion? [both scream as they run away]
Perch: Ugh, [puts lens cap on camera] Harvey, I told you to cool it with the Martian schtick.
Harvey: What schtick? [points up to sky] The Martian invasion is real. Why do we keep doing these puff pieces when there's secret news out there waiting to be [pants fall down] exposed? [pulls up pants] And campers need to know the truth.
Perch: And nobody believes that tabloid junk, especially me! [groans, back on mic] And now it's time for "How's the weather up there?" With Tall Tail.
[Cut to Tall Tail standing next to a Kamp Koral Weather map.]
Tall Tail: Thank you, Perch. And morning, campers. Uh, the best way to forecast the weather, get out and see for yourself. So let's go. [runs off, knocking down set pieces] Whoo! [now outside] Looks like clear skies up here for the rest of the day. [storm begins, gets struck with lighting] Ow. Or rain. With some lightning.
[Cut to Mr. Krabs in front of a green screen.]
Mr. Krabs: [laughs] Camp master Krabs here at the [green screen turns into his store] camp store. Where we've got every kid's favorite snack, [jumps into barrel full of yams, green screen turns into image of yams] yams! Yessirree, we got [images of yam variants appear on screen] Yams in cans, single serve yams, yam hats, yam noses, and Yammage Patch Kids. Plus, [holds up yam and nematode] every yam comes with a free nematode. So if you don't like yams, the nematode eats it. [nematode eats the yam, chewing off Krabs' claw as well] [gives thumbs up with bony hand] Problem solved. [green screen shows exterior of the general store] I got your yams [points with hand] right here. [nematode burps yam onto his face, laughs weakly]
[Cut to Perch reporting next to Sandy near her treedome. Sandy has something next to her.]
Perch: [on mic] We're back, talking to Sandy Cheeks, this summer's biggest science fair winner. What'd you make here, Sandy?
Sandy: [gesturing to invention] Well, Perch, I call it my combo-nation volcano and rocket. Wanna see it [holds remote control] launch?
Perch: Absolutely. Get a shot of this rocket, Harvey.
Harvey: [on camera] Space ship. Hello. [Perch shoos him off]
Sandy: Okee-dokee, here goes. [presses button on remote control, making the volcano rocket shoot off into the sky]
[Sandy, Perch, and Harvey all look up in the sky in awe. The volcano rocket starts shooting down at them, and Perch and Harvey scream as they run away from its trajectory. The rocket disappears bit by bit. Perch and Harvey emerge from behind the treedome's tree.]
Perch: Ha-ha, wow! That was spectacular, Sandy. Where in the ocean are you from? [Harvey sets up camera] So we can give your home town a shout out.
Sandy: [laughs] Oh, I'm not from ocean, Perch. I'm from [gestures into the sky] up there.
Harvey: [pointing at Sandy] M-M-M-Martian. Look, Perch. [points to Sandy's treedome] Martian. [points at Sandy again] Martian. [points at Sandy's tail] Martian. It's a Martian!
Sandy: [angrily, in Perch's face] I ain't no Martian! I'm a Texan! Ya got a problem with that?
Perch: [pointing to Harvey] He was joking. Tell her you were joking, Harvey.
Harvey: I wish I could, Perch. [pointing] But I am speaking truth to Martian. And she is probably their leader. [Sandy reveals a muscular arm underneath her suit]
Perch: Well, would you look at that? It's time for "Squidward's Culture Corner."
Sandy: [kicking camera] Hi-ya! [camera turns to static, and cuts to Squidward at the arts and crafts fair]
Squidward: Hello, art fans, Counselor Squidawrd here. Let's see what "masterpieces" the campers have for us this week. [grumbles as he walks past some drawings, then comments on Elwood's bunny painting] Too much red.
Elwood: [cries]
Squidward: [commenting on a girl camper's drawing, which is of a fish sitting down] Not enough red.
Girl camper: [cries]
Squidward: [commenting on a drawing of a blue creature] Ugh. This looks like it was done by a five-year-old. [the camper pulls him aside to whisper in his ear] Huh? Oh, you are a five-year-old.
Five-year-old: Mmm-hmm.
Squidward: [head on tentacle, thinking] Hmm. Well, it's still garbage. Ta-taa! [five-year-old starts biting on his tentacles, and Squidward screams] [waving tentacles] Get off me, you little cretin! [to the other two campers] Don't just stand there, imbeciles. Help me!
[The other two campers join in on the fight, and create a fighting cloud. As the cloud disappears, Squidward appears injured and hung up between two poles, clothespins all over him.]
Girl camper: Hmm. Too many legs.
[Camera turns to static, then cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick rowing backwards in a boat.]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Martians!
[Perch and Harvey walk onto the scene, with Harvey having a red mask over his mouth.]
Harvey: [muttering indistinctly]
Perch: So, when we're on the air, you will keep your Martian opinions to yourself. Right, Harvey?
Harvey: [muttering indistinctly]
Perch: [sees Mrs. Puff opening the lighthouse door, and he gestures towards it] Ooh, Mrs. Puff. There's our next segment.
Mrs. Puff: [dragging something resembling herself on the ground]
Perch and Harvey: [gasp]
[Mrs. Puff puts the lookalike in a boat and covers it with a cloth. She looks around.]
Harvey: [eats mask off] Martian!
Perch: [covers Harvey's mouth and takes him behind a building] I didn't wanna believe you, Harvey, [looks ahead] but that body looked just like Mrs. Puff. Is it possible that extraterrestrials have been--
Harvey: Secretly switching our bodies with their own?
Perch and Harvey: So they can systematically take over the camp?
Harvey: [kisses Perch and puts a tin foil hat onto him] It's all true, Perch. [close-up shot of Perch's brain-eyes] Just open your brain-eyes and you'll think-see the Martians. [first-person shot of two campers hitting a tennis ball on a pole with their heads]
Perch and Harvey: [pointing] Martians. [now pointing at Plankton] Martian.
Plankton: Morons.
Perch and Harvey: [pointing at anchovies meeping] Martian. Martian. Martian.
SpongeBob and Patrick: [screaming next to Perch, startling him] Martians!
Perch: [falls to the ground, passing out]
Harvey: [looking at watch] Oop! Look at the time. [holding camera, slaps Perch] Perch!
Perch: Huh?
Harvey: Say the words.
Perch: [on mic] We'll be right back after this station identification.
[Cut to a shot of a television displaying the broadcast, which zooms out to reveal that nobody is watching it. The camera changes to static and cuts back to Perch.]
Perch: [on mic] This is Perch Perkins, [looks left and right] and we're coming to you live from the camp's old boat house, where my cameraman and I have made a horrifying discovery. [camera pans upwards to reveal soulless lookalikes of the campers] Hanging from the rafters, dozens of soulless Martian clone husks.
[The door slowly opens, and Perch and Harvey scream as they run off. Mrs. Puff and Sandy appear, laughing as they hang up two more lookalikes on the wall and leave.]
Harvey: [on eye level with lookalikes] And spoiler alert, [camera looks down onto Perch] Martians are taking over the camp.
Perch: Harvey, what are you-- get down from there!
Harvey: [waving hand] This looks great. I'm getting a spine tingling, down-shot! [falls down with a Bubble Bass lookalike onto Perch] Whoa!
[The camera glitches as the camera angle changes.
Perch: Ahh!
Harvey: [crying] No! Not counselor Bubble Bass! He owes me ten donuts. [head pops off of Bubble Bass lookalike, bouncing off the wall and landing on Perch's head]
Perch: [takes off Bubble Bass head and takes off, screaming] Martians! [Bubble Bass head then lands on top of Harvey's]
Harvey: [screaming, and runs into the wall, then gets back up and leaves]
[Perch and Harvey are running to two other campers with their equipment.]
Perch: We've got to warn everyone! [to two campers standing] Campers, listen to me, you're all in great danger! Huh? [campers turn around to reveal that they are lookalikes] [he and Harvey shiver] Oh, no!
Harvey: The Martians got to them!
[The two lookalikes float into the air, and Perch and Harvey scream and run away.]
Perch: [to a Mo lookalike] Mo, listne to me. Martians are coming. [Mo lookalike floats away, and he and Harvey run off] [to a Craig lookalike] Craig, buddy, Martians are co-- [Craig lookalike turns around, and he and Harvey scream, running off again]
Harvey: [notices Mr. Krabs facing backwards] Hey, Perch!
Perch: [next to Mr. Krabs] Camp master Krabs, thank Neptune, the voice of sanity.
Mr. Krabs: [turns around and holds a can of yams] Yams!
Perch and Harvey: [both scream, then each get fed a yam, which they spit out] Ew. [both run off]
Mr. Krabs: [facing camera with yam crumbs, giggling]
[Perch and Harvey run to all of the lookalikes standing around.]
Perch: Campers, don't panic! If we just stick together, we can stop the invasion.
[All of the lookalikes turn around. There are also lookalikes of Perch and Harvey next to the real ones.]
Perch and Harvey: [pointing to each other] Martian clone husks! [hug each other as the lookalikes float away]
Harvey: No more running, Perch. [grabs a stick, and Perch grabs a baseball bat]
Perch and Harvey: Time to mash some Martians.
[Perch breaks open his lookalike with his bat, which makes candy fly out of it. Harvey hits his with a jellyfish net, also making candy fly out. Perch uses his bat to break open a hole in a Mrs. Puff lookalike, also making candy fall out. It also falls down. They continue hitting more lookalikes apart, until Harvey hits the real Mr. Krabs in the head.
Mr. Krabs: [rubbing head] Ow!
[Perch and Harvey continue to break open the lookalikes.]
Fred: [voice heard as a lookalike's leg is broken] My leg!
Perch: [runs over to a Plankton lookalike and taps its head with his bat, making candy fall out of its eye]
[Perch and Harvey break apart the last lookalikes, and candy falls over them. They are both exhausted.]
Harvey: We did it. We're heroes. [all of the real campers look over them angrily]
Sandy: [angrily, Mrs. Puff holding camera] Ahem. Sandy Cheeks here, Kamp Koral News. We're here to ask Perch and Harvey the burning question. [shouting] Why did y'all smash our pinatas?
Perch: [he and Harvey look down at the candy, then at the campers] Uhh... [camera pans up to a banner that says "Piñata Day"] Oh, yeah, it's Piñata day.
Harvey: I thought that was tomorrow.
SpongeBob and Patrick: [running towards them] Martians! Huh? [excited] Piñata Day?
Mrs. Puff: [shrugging] All right, children, pick up your sweets.
Campers: [cheering]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Yay! Floor candy!
Perch and Harvey: No, no, no, no. [all of the campers create fighting cloud, fighting over the sweets around them]
[Bubble transition to Perch and Harvey sitting on the dock at night.]
Perch: Martian pinatas. [huffs, throws rock into lake] I can't believe I believed you.
Harvey: I can't believe I believed me either.
[Suddenly, an alien-looking pinata comes down from the sky.]
Perch: Huh? [looking up, pointing]
Harvey: [not looking up] Martians do not exist, and that is the truth.
[The floating pinata opens up its bottom and starts sucking up the dock, along with Perch and Harvey. Harvey frantically gets his camera and starts recording.]
Perch: Are you getting this, Harvey?
Harvey: I'm getting it. I'm getting it. [drops camera, which breaks upon impact]
Perch: No, no, no, no! Aw.
Harvey: I was getting it.
Perch: Intrepid reporter, and faithful cameraman, abducted by Martian pinata. More at 11:00.
Harvey: Don't worry, Perch. I'm recording all of this, with my brain eyes.
[The pinata fully abducts the two, and flies away, disappearing with a twinkle.]