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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Free Samples" from season 8, which aired on April 6, 2012.
- [Plankton laughs, squirts out chum onto a plate, smells the chum and laughs again. Karen comes out of the door.]
- Karen: What do I owe the excessive volume of this giggling?
- Plankton: [chuckles] You may thank my new and original idea, darling. [cut to Karen, who has a confused look on her face] Free samples! [cut back to Karen, who is still confused]
- Karen: New and original, my exhaust fan.
- Plankton: Okay, so I didn't invent the concept, but I have improved upon it by removing the only obstacle to chum's success!
- Karen: You mean the smell? [Starts laughing] Smell. [Plankton is annoyed that she doesn't get what he says.]
- Plankton: No. I mean getting the public to try some! Once everyone gets a taste of my delicious chum, they'll tear this place apart to get some. Plus it's free, and who can resist free?! [cut to Plankton sitting on a bench near the store with free samples] Step right up for your free samples of delicious chum!
- Nat: Hey, what did he just say it was?
- Plankton: I just said they're free!
- Nat: Oh... I thought he said freaks. In that case... [he enters the line, and everyone else follows suit] So glad I actually left my house today.
- [everyone gets some chum]
- Plankton: That's the spirit, people. Step on up, but please take your time and be orderly. I wanna savor this whole "Putting-Krabs-out-of-business" business.
- Sally: What is it?
- Shubie: Oh, who cares silly-big-milly? It's free!
- Sally: Oh, it's going to be so good 'cause it's free!
- [everyone starts putting the chum in their mouths then gets surprised]
- Plankton: Eat up. [Plankton laughs as Shubie holds her stomach. Nancy and Frank turn green, and the former's hair stands on end. Everyone is nauseous out of food poisoning.] Ugh. I have no idea that chum was this rotten. I better not be here when all this agony turns to anger. [Runs away with the tray]
- Nat: [Believing Plankton robbed them, Nat gets up and is angry] Hey, he's making a run for it! We can't let him get away with this! Let's get up and... [Nat is nauseous again and retches; He speaks in a deep voice] get him.
- [everyone, still sick, chases Plankton. Patrick comes up to the stand]
- Patrick: "Free samples." [Patrick eats one of the chum and enjoys it] Yum! [Patrick eats more chum]
- [everyone is standing outside the Chum Bucket. Frank the Lifeguard pounds on the door]
- Frank: Hey, you! I know you're in there!
- Plankton: It's not fair! If Krabs gave away free samples he wouldn't get this treatment!
- Karen: If Krabs gave away free samples, he probably wouldn't poison people thus tarnishing the good name of his restaurant.
- Plankton: Yeah, I suppose you right, Karen. [Plankton gets an idea] Free Krabby Patties! Step up, step up, you'll never get this chance again, folks!
- Harold: Free Krabby Patties?!
- [everyone runs to the stand again]
- Nat: Hey, what's all the hubbub?
- Nazz: Oh, didn't ya hear? Someone's giving away free Krabby Patties!
- Plankton: That's it. [laughs]
- Frank: [Suspiciously] Hey, wait a minute. Aren't you the same guy what was giving away those rotten chum samples before?
- Plankton: [sweats nervously; lies] Oh, that wasn't me. That was... uh... my... brother-in-law, yeah, er, Flankton.
- Lifeguard: Oh, okay.
- [everyone eats the chum, Frank's eyes pop out and his arms fall out]
- Lifeguard: [dolphin chirp]!
- [everyone else falls on Frank. Frankie Billy sees them, while eating chum. He shrugs and is about to leave, but tripped over and falls. Plankton comes out of the sewer]
- Plankton: Krabby Patties, anyone?
- [other people eat the chum, as a fish hurls. Meanwhile, SpongeBob goes to work.]
- SpongeBob: [singing] I'm off to work, off to work, ready for grilling and fulfilling. [SpongeBob sees people by the Krusty Krab. At first, he sighs and calms down, believing they're hungry and impatient customers.] Those customers can't get enough Krabby Patties. Settle down folks: I'm here; I shall have your Krabby Patties before you shortly.
- Nat: [Pointing at SpongeBob] You!
- Frank: You made those awful Krabby Patties what made my eyeballs fall out!
- [The people start to get furious. SpongeBob gets scared and slides into the Krusty Krab]
- SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!
- Mr. Krabs: Over here boy. [Mr. Krabs is hiding by the table]
- SpongeBob: What is going on out there?
- Mr. Krabs: The whole town has turned against me! And I have no idea why. [Frank throws a brick through the window. It has a note attached to it, which Mr. Krabs reads] "Because the Krabby Patty is terrible." [gasps in shock] Krabby Patty? Terrible?! How do those words even go together?
- SpongeBob: I don't know, but we have do something to turn this situation around.
- Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, you're right. We got to do everything in our power to bring those customers back. We'll triple the prices.
- SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, if you want to get customers in here, shouldn't we lower the prices?
- Mr. Krabs: [upset] Fine. [Mr. Krabs lowers the price from $2.99 to $2.98] How about that? [one of the customers throws rocks as the customers continue protesting] I'm ruined! [Mr. Krabs starts crying]
- SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, if you want your customers back, we're gonna need to take more extreme measures.
- Mr. Krabs: I'm all ears.
- SpongeBob: We simply give Krabby Patties away for fr- [Mr. Krabs grabs SpongeBob's lips, completely shocked by this and is very reluctant to do this.]
- Mr. Krabs: Don't you say it, boy!
- SpongeBob: It's the only way, Mr. Krabs. [Few minutes later, SpongeBob and very reluctant Mr. Krabs in Bikini Bottom. SpongeBob is holding a stand] Alright, sir, it's time.
- Mr. Krabs: Time? But it's too soon. [Mr. Krabs jumps to the stand, whimpering] I'm not ready to let them go free.
- SpongeBob: But you said to go ahead with the plan no matter how hard you fight me.
- Mr. Krabs: [Gasps] I... I don't remember saying anything like that.
- SpongeBob: I do. [SpongeBob pulls the sheet off, and Mr. Krabs screams] Free Krabby Patties! Get your totally and completely free of charge Krabby Patties!
- Mr. Krabs: Nooo! [Mr. Krabs tries to run to stop him from doing so, but his claws are suddenly in chains, which SpongeBob complied to do this to stop Mr. Krabs from stopping him.]
- SpongeBob: It's for your own good, Eugene. [On the loudspeaker] Free Krabby Patties, come and get your free Krabby Patties! [the word "patties" echoes]
- Mr. Krabs: Whew, for a second there, I thought we were gonna have to give away a ton of Krabby Patties, but it looks like free ain't even enough to jump start me business. [Suddenly has a nasty thought] Wait, free ain't even enough? Me business is doomed! [starts crying again]
- Plankton: [watching from atop a trash can] I really can't believe how well this is turning out for me today! [laughs]
- SpongeBob: Hmm... Looks like it's time to pull out the big guns. [SpongeBob opens the small doors and plays the calliope] No one can resist the sweet sounds of a calliope.
- Shubie: Hey look, Billy, a calliope.
- SpongeBob: [opens the door, revealing Squidward] Okay, Squidward. Here's your cup just like we rehearsed.
- Squidward: Argh, I can't feel my legs.
- SpongeBob: Here let me help you, Squidward.
- SpongeBob: [pulls Squidward's nose, tossing him in front of Billy] Hello.
- Baby Billy: Look, mama, a monkey! [Billy throws a penny at Squidward] Dance, monkey, dance! Dance, monkey!
- [Squidward takes off his suit and gives it to Baby Billy]
- Squidward: I quit!
- [Squidward leaves in annoyance, while stomping on despondent Mr. Krabs, who is still crying.]
- SpongeBob: Wait, Squidward, don't leave! We just can't give up yet!
- [Plankton laughs]
- Plankton: Sweet and delicious victory, you are mine!
- [SpongeBob pulls up Mr. Krabs]
- SpongeBob: Don't worry, Mr. Krabs, we'll fix this.
- Mr. Krabs: [heartbroken] Not this time boy, it's all over for the good old Krusty Krab. It's probably best if you [sniffles] start looking for a new job, boy. Maybe in a different line of work.
- SpongeBob: [sadly] New... Different... [SpongeBob gets an idea] That's it! [runs off]
- Mr. Krabs: Well, that went better than expected. Well only one thing left to do now. I'll have to move back with me ma. Hopefully she kept me posters up in me room.
- French Narrator: Five minutes later...
- SpongeBob: [Calling on loudspeaker] Krabby Patties, brand new Krabby Patty recipe, all new, all different, all delicious, try them for free!
- Nazz: You can't be serious.
- Frank: [Sighs] I'm so hungry, I don't care, I gotta eat something.
- Nazz: No! Wait!
- Nat: [Touches her shoulder] Let him go, it's too late.
- SpongeBob: All new free Krabby Patties!
- Frank: Hey, buddy, I'll try one. What have I got to lose? [everyone gasps as Frank eats half of the Krabby Patty] Dear Neptune Gill Sacks, this is the best thing I every put in my mouth! Yay! [Frank's shirt turns pink, then goes back to normal]
- Nazz: Did he just say it was good?
- [Frank finishes the other half of the Krabby Patty]
- Frank: Woohoo! [Frank dances]
- Nat: Wow, Frank never dances, it must be good!
- [everyone eats the Krabby Patties, Henry-Bart's eyes turn into a thumbs up, money comes out of his skin]
- Henry-Bart: I'm getting something this amazing for free! How much will this buy? [Henry-Bart throws money on SpongeBob]
- Frank: Yum yum! Yum yum yum yum! Yum yuuuum! [Frank goes like a rocket] Hey you, patty boy, take my wallet, I gotta have more! [Frank goes in the stand and takes two Krabby Patties]
- [Nat and the Fish's heads turn into arms and give a high-five]
- Nat and Nazz: Now that's what I'm talking about!
- [Nat and Nazz's head turn back to normal, they get a briefcase from their pockets]
- Nat: Here's our life savings! Just give us more Krabby Patties! [Nat and Nazz dump the money on SpongeBob]
- [cut to Plankton talking on a cellphone]
- Plankton: Don't worry, Karen, I'll be home before lunch time. My mission here is accomplished. [laughs, and then a dollar bill lands on Plankton] Ooh. What the... huh?! [gasps]
- SpongeBob: It's working!
- Plankton: No, wait! What's going on? You hate Krabby Patties, remember?
- Dump truck driver: Wowee, this thing is right tasty.
- Plankton: [a dump truck prepares to dump money] Uh-oh. [the money lands on Plankton]
- [a helicopter dumps a bag full of money on SpongeBob. Mr. Krabs is just walking and then a dollar lands on his nose. His eyes pop out and he screams so loudly, Plankton comes out of the money]
- Mr. Krabs: [While running towards the mountain of money] Money, money, money, money, money, money! [Mr. Krabs jumps on the money and laughs]
- SpongeBob: We did it, Mr. Krabs! We saved the Krusty Krab! All I did was sell the same old Krabby Patties, and call them new!
- Mr. Krabs: Do you mind? I'm trying to make a money angel here.
- SpongeBob: Ooh, money angels! Can I make one?
- Mr. Krabs: Sure thing, SpongeBob. Hop in! [Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob laugh. Plankton screams because Mr. Krabs is sitting on him] Did you hear that?
- SpongeBob: Hear what?
- Mr. Krabs: Hm. Good point. [Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob continue laughing]