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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Employee of the Month" from season one, which aired on March 8, 2000.
  • SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward.
  • Squidward: All right, I'll bite. What is it, SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: Do you know what today is?
  • Squidward: Annoy Squidward Day?
  • SpongeBob: [laughs] No, silly! [gets out a calendar] That's on the 15th! [day is marked by a picture of Squidward's head] Today is the beginning of the judging for Employee of the Month.
  • Squidward: SpongeBob, don't you know that award's a scam?
  • SpongeBob: What do you mean?
  • Squidward: Mr. Krabs gives you that award, so you'll work harder for no extra money.
  • SpongeBob: That is not true, Squidward. He gives it to me because I work harder. You could win it too if you tried harder.
  • Squidward: Oh, for what? To get my face on the Wall of Shame? [shows wall full of SpongeBob pictures for being Employee of the Month]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, you've got it all wrong. Having pride in your work is nothing to be ashamed of, why it's the only thing that makes it all worthwhile.
  • Mr. Krabs: Thattaboy, SpongeBob! This is going to be a tough one though! There's no clear cut winner! [whispering] Watch out, SpongeBob. Squidward appears to be on the verge of a breakout. [shows Squidward reading a magazine] There might be a new face on the wall this month.
  • SpongeBob: Huh? [looks over and sees the month of "January" with no picture]
  • Squidward: That's right, SpongeBob. I might sneak up on you. [Squidward and Mr. Krabs laugh at SpongeBob as he walks over to the wall and imagines Squidward laughing at him in the picture]
  • SpongeBob: Nooo! [begins to sob] How could I have let the quality of my work slip so much?! [Squidward's picture continues to laugh. Scene goes to SpongeBob grilling and flipping patties until he comes to a patty that won't flip. He tries and tries, but then he flips the patty on to the ceiling. He then tries to get it off of there.]
  • Squidward: [peeks in] Need some help? [SpongeBob screams] What are you doing?
  • SpongeBob: Making...Krabby Patties?
  • Squidward: You're losing it! Don't you know that award is a load of-- [SpongeBob gets the patty off the ceiling, but he flings it into the fan and it sprays Squidward with all the meat] ...garbage.
  • SpongeBob: [jumps off of ceiling] Please don't tell Mr. Krabs about this! It'll hurt my chances of winning the award!
  • Squidward: I already told you, that award is a bunch of... [gets sprayed with meat again] ...baloney!
  • SpongeBob: That is not true, Squidward. Like this hat, that award is a symbol of...
  • Squidward: [grabs SpongeBob's hat] It's a symbol that you're a chump! [SpongeBob screams, feeling scared]
  • SpongeBob: No, Squidward! [screams]
  • Squidward: And this is a symbol of what I think of the 'Employee of the Month' award! [Squidward lifts his foot and tries to stomp the hat flat, but his foot hits something hard that is under the hat] Ow!
  • SpongeBob: [lifts up the hat to reveal a lead block] An experienced employee of the month always keeps a brick of lead in his hat.
  • Squidward: I'm telling you for the last time, that award is nothing but a joke! [Squidward walks away, but is sprayed with meat for the last time. Then we see SpongeBob looking at all his award photos]
  • SpongeBob: What if Squidward's right? What if the award is a phony? Does this mean my whole body of work is meaningless?! [every award photo now has an army hat on]
  • SpongeBob Picture: Stow that kind of talk, sailor! This is war now, private! That's exactly what he wants you to think! This is no time to go lily-livered on us!
  • SpongeBob: But, sir…
  • SpongeBob Picture: There's no room for "buts" in war, soldier! He wants you to crack! He's trying to trick you, get inside your mind! You will stop at nothing--and I mean nothing--to defeat him! Have I made myself clear, private?
  • SpongeBob: Crystal, sir!
  • SpongeBob Picture: Good! Now move out! [SpongeBob marches away and then we see SpongeBob looking through his windows through binoculars while Squidward gets ready for bed]
  • SpongeBob: I won't let Squidward win! [Squidward sets his alarm and walks off] He can't go to work if he doesn't wake up. Target sited. [SpongeBob sneaks up to Squidward's house by sliding on the ground then through one of Squidward's windows and as he enters he falls to the ground and Squidward's hears the noise while he is brushing his teeth. Squidward goes to check what it is and SpongeBob is standing behind the plant by the door. Squidward closes the door and SpongeBob slides around the door and then by Squidward's bed where the alarm clock is. He is about to grab it when he hears the door handle jiggle so he hides in the pillow on the bed. Squidward gets into bed and isn't comfortable with the pillow as it is so he adjusts it. Tries to adjust it again and you can hear SpongeBob's giggling. Squidward lays his head down and SpongeBob's hand reaches out for the clock as Squidward opens his eyes. Squidward freaks out and throws the pillow against the wall. The cover comes down, revealing SpongeBob]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob! What are you doing here?! [SpongeBob grabs alarm clock]
  • SpongeBob: You can't win that award if you don't get up for work! [SpongeBob destroys the clock. Squidward grabs another one and sets it on the stand. SpongeBob grabs that one and destroys it. Squidward opens up a closet full of alarm clocks. SpongeBob grabs a few clocks and destroys them one by one]
  • Squidward: Stop it, SpongeBob! If I really wanted that award, I could win it with my tentacles tied!
  • SpongeBob: [tosses the destroyed alarm clock over his shoulder] That can be arranged.
  • Squidward: You're a lunatic, SpongeBob!
  • SpongeBob: Maybe so, but I did win 'Employee of the Month' 26 months in a row.
  • Squidward: Are y-Are you trying to say that you are better than me?!
  • SpongeBob: I've been better than you 26 months--and it'll be 27 tomorrow.
  • Squidward: Oh, that's it, square-for-brains! That's it! I'm gonna show you how easy it is to win that award. I'm gonna be the new 'Employee of the Month'! I will prove to you that I am far more competent than you!
  • SpongeBob: Well, I'm going in early to wax the floors!
  • Squidward: Don't bother; I'll have done it already by the time you get there!
  • SpongeBob: Well, you'll have to get up pretty early to get there before me!
  • Squidward: I don't need to sleep! Loser!
  • SpongeBob: Well, me neither! …26-time loser! [SpongeBob and Squidward are watching each other through their windows] Look at him. Watchin' me.
  • Squidward: I'm watching you, SpongeBob. You're not leaving before me.
  • SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, getting sleepy, huh?
  • Squidward: No, how about you?
  • SpongeBob: Nope! [Squidward gets out his clarinet and plays "Brahms' Lullaby". SpongeBob struggles to keep himself awake.] Nighty Night. [SpongeBob falls asleep and starts to snore. Later, Squidward tries to walk out, but falls into a very deep square hole right in front of his door]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob! [SpongeBob comes up with a shovel in his hand]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward! Going somewhere?
  • Squidward: I'm going to wring you dry when I get outta here! Now get me outta here!
  • SpongeBob: All right, Squidward. I'll stop by after work!
  • Squidward: SpongeBob! SpongeBob! [Squidward screams some more. SpongeBob walks back to bed]
  • SpongeBob: Now to get some rest. Don't wanna look tired for my 'Employee of the Month' photo! [SpongeBob goes to his bed and sleeps a while. Squidward manages to climb out of the hole; SpongeBob wakes up to hear some hammering] Squidward! [Squidward is nailing boards onto SpongeBob's front door]
  • Squidward: That oughta hold him! [SpongeBob saws around it and pushes the door on Squidward and runs away. A cage drops enclosing SpongeBob and Squidward laughs. SpongeBob slides out because he can fit through the bars]
  • Squidward: [walks along into a bottle and gets trapped] SpongeBob! Why, you little…! [SpongeBob writes "loser." on the bottle with his finger in a script writing and runs away. Later he sees a Krabby Patty]
  • SpongeBob: Ha ha ha ha ha. Hmmm, a Krabby Patty! [smells it but the top bun opens up and a claw comes out grabbing SpongeBob's nose] Ow! Squidward!
  • Squidward: So long, Sponge loser! [Squidward gets caught in a net and SpongeBob runs by laughing. SpongeBob runs through a barbed-wire fence and Squidward runs by laughing. Squidward is tied by his tentacles and SpongeBob runs by laughing. SpongeBob is stuck in a brick wall and Squidward runs by laughing. Later the two are trying to drag along some big items. SpongeBob is dragging an anchor and Squidward is dragging a flaming boat] SpongeBob? Truce? [both wave a white flag]
  • SpongeBob: Truce.
  • Squidward: SpongeBob, I can't take it anymore. If we keep this up, neither of us will win the award!
  • SpongeBob: You're right. We should save our energy for work where we really need it. [it’s now dawn]
  • Squidward: Okay, let's have a good clean fight.
  • SpongeBob: And may the better man win. [shakes hands with Squidward, now he's thinking] He's nothing but a lying, boneless, ink-squirting, big-nosed phony!
  • Squidward: [thinking] Look at that buck-toothed, corn-fed smile. You can't trust him as far as you can throw him.
  • SpongeBob: [thinking] As soon as he stops shaking my hand...
  • Squidward: [thinking] ...I'm gonna make a run for it.
  • [SpongeBob and Squidward stop shaking hands, laugh nervously, and hastily run for the Krusty Krab where Mr. Krabs is opening it up]
  • Mr. Krabs: Money, money, gonna make some money! [sees SpongeBob and Squidward come running over] Ah, it warms me wallet to see me employees coming in so early. Boys, you're early! [Mr. Krabs realizes that they aren't stopping for anything] Wait! [both push Mr. Krabs out of the way and start doing nice stuff]
  • SpongeBob: Look, Mr. Krabs! Clean floors!
  • Squidward: Clean tables, Mr. Krabs! [Squidward presses too hard on the table while he is cleaning and breaks it in half]
  • SpongeBob: Clean dishes, Mr. Krabs!
  • Mr. Krabs: What's going on here?! [SpongeBob drops and breaks the dishes and mops them just like that]
  • SpongeBob: It's much more efficient to clean dishes this way, Mr. Krabs!
  • Mr. Krabs: No!
  • Squidward: Flowers and chocolate for you, Mr. Krabs!
  • SpongeBob: Look, I'm putting my own money in the register, Mr. Krabs! [SpongeBob puts his money into the register. Squidward and SpongeBob are in the kitchen] Two spatulas to increase productivity, Mr. Krabs! Faster, SpongeBob, faster!
  • Squidward: There's nothing to this patty flipping, Mr. Krabs! I'll easily double your output, SpongeHog!
  • Mr. Krabs: Boys, boys, boys! [music gradually speeds up; both SpongeBob and Squidward make many patties to overflow the kitchen, cornering Mr. Krabs] Help! Help! [the amount of Krabby Patties fills up the kitchen and the Krusty Krab itself, causing the whole restaurant to explode, sending thousands of patties raining down in front of the citizens]
  • Frank: Hey, free Krabby Patties!
  • Mr. Krabs: [with his head bursting through one of SpongeBob's employee pictures] Wait, you've got to pay for those! Wait! Wait! Wait! Boys, the Krabby Patties! [SpongeBob and Squidward come through the picture frame that Mr. Krabs is in and ask him who is the winner, while Mr. Krabs is still complaining about the Krabby Patties]
  • SpongeBob: So, who's the winner of Employee of the Month?
  • Squidward: Me, me! It's me! [SpongeBob and Squidward continue calling out simultaneously about who is the winner]
  • Mr. Krabs: Boys! Wait! Boys, the Krabby Patties! Boys, wait!
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