Dopey Dick/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Dopey Dick" from season 13, which aired on June 29, 2023.

[The episode opens with Dopey Dick's hand opening a book titled after him. A grayscale image of a Squidward-like character called Fishmael is on the front page.]
Fishmael: [narrating] Welcome to the terrific, tumultuous tale of Dopey Dick. [fade into the book, as Fishmael walks alongside a street] Call me Fishmael. In my youth, I was an intrepid, fresh-faced journeyman, looking from town to town for any work I could find. Little did I know, I was about to step in some-- [slips in some jellyfish jelly and shouts] Jellyfish jelly? Whoaaa!
[Fishmael slips into the Jelly Squirt In. His head gets caught between the saloon doors. Fishmael grabs onto the counter, and Capn' A. Krabs, a lookalike of Mr. Krabs, with a parrot version of Plankton, named Planky, on his shoulder comes up at the counter.]
Capn' A. Krabs: Welcome to the Jelly Squirt Inn. How can we help, me hearty?
Anchovy: [entering doors] Excuse me.
[Fishmael screams as his head snaps back and hits the cash register. He pulls it back, and it's still squished, so he shakes his head to get it back to normal.]
[Capn' A. Krabs grunts.]
Planky: [jumps off Capn' A. Krabs' shoulder and squawks, then grabs a purple glass] Have some jelly juice, lad?
Fishmael: No, thanks. I'm job hunting. Might you lubbers have employment for an able-legged young buck with [goes behind the register and operates it] cash register experience?
Capn' A. Krabs: [shuts the cash register on Fishmael's tentacles] No, no!
Fishmael: [screams]
Capn' A. Krabs: Nobody touches me money but me!
Planky: Buy some jelly, or get out! [points away and squawks]
Fishmael: Here you go. [flips coin on Planky, crushing him]
Planky: Huh? Ow!
[Fishmael drinks the juice and hears someone whispering to him.]
Pat-Buck: [off-screen] Psst. Hey, come here. Hey, buddy.
[Fishmael walks up to a table and is pulled under it by Pat-Buck, a Patrick lookalike. His head hits the edge of the table, and he yelps.]
Pat-Buck: [as people walk by] Shh. [whispering] I've heard tell that a boat called "Ye Olde Pineapple" is shipping out soon, and they need more hands. [shakes Fishmael's legs] You've got plenty of hands. [squishes against him] I think I hear them cutting the ship right now. [huddles closer]
[At the port, two anchovies cut off half of a giant pineapple. The half that falls has a sail hoisted.]
Fishmael: [nervously] Uh, thanks, but I always get seasick. I wouldn't be caught dead on a ship. [crawls away]
Pat-Buck: [seriously] I'm so sorry to hear that. [taps Fishmael on the head with a club]
Fishmael: Ow!
Pat-Buck: Shhh!
Fishmael: [groans as Pat-Buck drags him away]
[Pat-Buck holds up Fishmael in a net.]
Fishmael: Got one!
Inn patrons: [cheering]
[Ye Olde Pineapple sets sail. Pat-Buck dumps Fishmael onto the boat. The other crew members are anchovies.]
Fishmael: [gasps and flops on the surface, then inhales] I've been Egads! I've been squid-napped!
Pat-Buck: Yup. The captain has a special job just for ye.
Fishmael: For me?
Pat-Buck: [happily] No, for ye.
Fishmael: [considering] Well, I do need a job. [shrugs] Ah, if I get seasick, I get seasick.
Pat-Buck: Oh, don't worry. I'll show ye the ropes. [Fishmael smiles, but frowns when Pat-Buck shows him a tangle of rope] There's the big rope, [shows him a small rope] the little rope, [Fishmael glances at the audience; Pat-Buck makes himself frown with the rope] the frowny rope, [smiles with the rope] the smiley rope, [takes out licorice rope] and the licorice rope! [slurps it] This one's mine!
Fishmael: [shudders]
Pat-Buck: [swallows licorice rope] Ahh. [leans forward] Do you know how to tie a knot?
[Pat-Buck leans in very close to Fishmael, who looks uncomfortable.]
Fishmael: [nervously] No, but I'd love to learn.
Pat-Buck: I'll teach ya.
Fishmael: [imitating the French Narrator while reading time card] Later...
[Pat-Buck ties Fishmael's tentacles in a knot, tying him to a pole. He plays the accordion and sings as the anchovies dance.]
Fishmael: Typical.
[Loud footsteps are heard, catching Fishmael's attention. Pat-Buck stops playing and turns around. The anchovies huddle together. Sponge-Hab, a captain who looks like SpongeBob, with a spatula leg and a beard, steps on board. Fishmael gets nervous.]
Sponge-Hab: Avast ye. I be Captain Sponge-Hab. Argh! [his beard falls down, he blushes and excuses himself] Hmm? Oh. [chuckles nervously and puts his beard back on] I brought you all here for a special mission-- to hunt down the great white jellyfish, Dopey Dick.
Pat-Buck: [gasps]
Anchovies: [worried] Meep, meep!
Fishmael: [afraid] Was Dopey Dick the beast who took off thy leg, Captain?
Sponge-Hab: Naw. My leg is all squeezed into the handle. [laughs and pulls the spatula off his leg, showing it compressed, then puts it back in] I just love the sound my spatula makes. [jumps around on the deck as the spatula clanks]
[Pat-Buck and the anchovies clap. One anchovy nudges Fishmael, who starts laughing as well.]
Fishmael: [hesitant laughter]
Sponge-Hab: [laughs, then looks serious]
[Pat-Buck and the anchovies stop laughing and clapping. Sponge-Hab flings a wad of gum into the air with his spatula foot. He chews it and blows a bubble, which takes the form of a jellyfish. The crewmates gasp as the shadow comes over them.]
Sponge-Hab: Dopey Dick is a great white jellyfish, lads. And he's the size of a split-level condominium.
Anchovies: Meep.
Pat-Buck: [impressed] All that jelly!
Anchovy: [imitating Pat-Buck] Meep meep meep!
Anchovies: Meep meep meep!
Pat-Buck and Anchovies: Meep meep meep! Meep meep meep!
Fishmael: Um, uh, meep meep?
[The Dopey Dick gum bubble collides with a nail in the mast and explodes. Pat-Buck and the anchovies run away,a nd the jelly falls on Fishmael.]
Sponge-Hab: So keep your eyes peeled for Dopey Dick. [the crewmates watch, and Dopey Dick jumps behind Sponge-Hab] And if ye spot him, just give me a holler.
[The crewmates shout and point frantically.]
Sponge-Hab: [approving] Yes, just like that! [Dopey Dick jumps behind him again] That is exactly what you should do when you actually see him.
[The anchovies run up to Sponge-Hab, pick him up, and turn him around. He sees Dopey Dick jumping in the ocean and reacts with shock.]
Sponge-Hab: Huh? [angrily] Dopey Dick!
Dopey Dick: [raises from water] Doy, doy, doy, doy!
Pat-Buck: [dopey] Doy, doy, doy. [points] Jellyfish be dumb.
[Dopey Dick jumps away.]
Sponge-Hab: Chase that snow-hilled hump!
[The anchovies panic and run away. Sponge-Hab eyes Fishmael still tied to the pole.]
Sponge-Hab: You, in the smart wool cap. I have a special job for ye.
Fishmael: [nervously] Uh, I be ready. What is it?
[Sponge-Hab walks away and snaps his fingers. The anchovies untie Fishmael.]
Fishmael: Whoa. Oh! [the anchovies put his head in a harpoon gun] This is the special job?
Sponge-Hab: [cheerfully] Uh-huh. You'll make a great sticky harpoon. [laughs] Fire!
[Pat-Buck fires the harpoon. Fishmael screams as he sails through the air.]
Fishmael: Okay, now I'm gonna throw up. [retches, then keeps screaming, then grabs onto Dopey Dick and gets shocked]
Sponge-Hab: We got him! [ties knot to post]
Fishmael: [screams]
Dopey Dick: Doy, doy, doy, doy, doy, doy!
[As Fishmael and Dopey Dick are pulled, Ye Olde Pineapple goes with them.]
Fishmael: He's got us! [Dopey Dick rides over a rock] Whoa!
Anchovies: [riding over the rock] Meep!
[A map shows Dopey Dick's movement zigzagging around as everyone shouts.]
Fishmael: Oh, please slow down, Dopey Dick! I don't have anything left to throw up! [gets an idea] Wait, I know how to soothe a savage beast! [takes a flute out of his pocket with his tongue, then plays it badly]
Sponge-Hab and anchovies: [cover their ears] Ohh!
Pat-Buck: Ahh! My ears are biting me! [rips them off and sighs in relief]
Dopey Dick: Hmm. Doy, doy, doy. [slows down and splashes around] Doy, doy, doy. Doy.
Sponge-Hab: Argh! Dopey Dick cannot resist the music. [to crew] Quick, everyone! [anchovies run away] Reel him in!
Anchovies: [meeping]
[An anchovy throws a rope over the mast. Pat-Buck and the anchovies pull and Dopey Dick starts sliding backwards.]
Dopey Dick: Doy, doy, doy, doy, doy.
[Dopey Dick is hoisted up.]
Sponge-Hab: [seriously] Now, me hearties, comes the best part of hunting down and catching a jellyfish.
Anchovy: Spreading the jelly? [anchovies take out toast]
Pat-Buck: [panting and holding a giant, empty jar of jelly] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sponge-Hab: No, you sillies!
[The anchovies and Pat-Buck are disappointed.]
Sponge-Hab: Releasing the jellyfish!
[Sponge-Hab extends his spatula leg and pries Fishmael's suction cups off Dopey Dick. Dopey Dick falls into the ocean.]
Dopey Dick: Doy! [pats Sponge-Hab on the head]
Sponge-Hab: [laughs, then gets shocked]
Pat-Buck: [throws jar overboard] Awww.
Anchovies: Meeeep.
Sponge-Hab: [waving] Fly and be free, Dopey Dick!
Dopey Dick: [waving] Doy, doy! [jumps away] Doy. Doy. Doy doy doy.
[Another ship catches Dopey Dick in its net.]
Dopey Dick: Whoop! Doy... Doy...
[Capn' A. Krabs and Planky reel Dopey Dick in.]
Planky: [evil laugh]
Sponge-Hab: [shouting] Ahoy, mateys! Nice catch! Now it's your turn to release him! [laughs]
Planky: [scoffs] We're not releasing bupkis! [squawks]
Capn' A. Krabs: [sarcastically, pets Planky] Oh, I'm sorry, Cap'n. I'm afraid we're just gonna keep Dopey Dick and sell his jelly for money! [laughs] Money, money, money, money, money, money, money!
Dopey Dick: [weak] Doy, doy.
Sponge-Hab: [gasps] How can he exploit such a rare and gentle creature? Dopey Dick is our friend. And if ye think you're just gonna swoop in here and put our friend in a cage, ye've got another thing coming! [pounds fist and raises it] Right, me loyal crew? Huh?
[A splash is heard. The anchovies are meeping and paddling a smaller boat away.]
Sponge-Hab: Shiver me timbers! It's a reverse mutiny!
Planky: [holding match] Hey, Fake-Beard! Put this in your poop deck! [squawks, lights match and fires cannon, then blows out the match]
[Sponge-Hab gasps and ducks under the cannonball.]
Sponge-Hab: Phew!
[The cannonball crashes into Pat-Buck's belly and falls on the ground. Fishmael walks up to it.]
Fishmael: Ha, ha! Ye cannonball is a dud.
Capn' A. Krabs: Wait for it...
[A black paper unfurls around the cannonball, revealing a cluster of nematodes.]
Nematode: Hungry.
Nematodes: Hungry. Hungry. Hungry. Hungry. Hungry. Hungry. Hungry. Hungry. Hungry. Hungry. Hungry.
Sponge-Hab: Nematodes! Ahh!
[The nematodes eat the entire ship, leaving behind a single slice of pineapple, and jump into the ocean.]
Anchovy: Wah, wah, waaah.
[The anchovies are on Capn' A. Krabs' ship. They all laugh, along with Capn' A. Krabs and Planky, as their ship sails away.]
Sponge-Hab: We've got to save Dopey Dick from them pilfering pirates!
Fishmael: We're gonna need a bigger pineapple!
Sponge-Hab: Scupper that! Pat-Buck, follow those bilge rats!
Pat-Buck: [salutes] Aye, aye, Captain Sponge-Hab! [coughs up a paddle and uses it to steer the ship]
[Pan up to show the sun. It transitions into the moon. Everyone on Capn' A. Krabs' ship is asleep and snoring. Sponge-Hab, Pat-Buck, and Fishmael look on-board to see Dopey Dick having his jelly harvested into jars.]
Dopey Dick: [weakly] Doy. Doy, doy.
Sponge-Hab: [worried] Dopey!
Pat-Buck: Shh! [stomach growling] Quiet, stomach! You'll wake everybody!
Sponge-Hab: Follow me, me hearties!
[Sponge-Hab walks carefully past some sleeping anchovies. Fishmael follows him. Pat-Buck surveys it, but ends up stepping on every one as he tries to cross.]
Anchovies: Meep. Meep. Meep.
Pat-Buck: [stomach growls]
Fishmael: Huh? Huh? [puts hand on it] Shhh!
[Pat-Buck's stomach bites Fishmael's hand and he screams. Sponge-Hab shushes him.]
Anchovy: [drowsy] Who's there? [touches mop] Oh, it's you, honey. [falls back asleep]
Pat-Buck: [wipes sweat off forehead] That was close.
Pat-Buck's stomach: Shh!
Pat-Buck: Sorry!
Dopey Dick: [weakly] Doy. Doy. Doy. [Sponge-Hab approaches, excitedly] Doy, doy, doy!
Sponge-Hab: [grabs sucker] Sit tight, Dopey! We're gonna cut you loose!
[Sponge-Hab removes the suction device.]
Dopey Dick: Doy, doy! [pats him on the head and shocks him]
Sponge-Hab: [laughing]
Fishmael: Not if he keeps doing that, we won't. [removes suction device]
Dopey Dick: [happily] Doy!
[Sponge-Hab unties Dopey Dick from the post.]
Sponge-Hab: There you go! All free, Dopey!
Dopey Dick: Doy, doy! [jumps off the boat and waves at them] Doy, doy, doy, doy, doy, doy, doy, doy, doy. [jumps away]
Sponge-Hab: Ain't jellyfishing wonderful?
[Sponge-Hab, Pat-Buck, and Fishmael turn around to face Capn' A. Krabs, Planky, and the anchovies.]
Capn' A. Krabs: [threatingly] Somebody owes me 300 tons of jellyfish jelly.
Planky: I wonder if [points] octopuses give jelly. [squawks]
Fishmael: [whimpers]
Pat-Buck: [slides between his legs with a bucket] Do they?
Fishmael: No!
Sponge-Hab: [with pad of paper, to Capn' A. Krabs] Kind sir, will ye take an IOU?
Capn' A. Krabs: [stretches Sponge-Hab's eye] I'll take an eye... or two! [snaps it back]
[An anchovy wields a cutlass and advances on the crew.]
Dopey Dick: [faintly] Doy, doy!
Anchovy: Meep?
Capn' A. Krabs: Do ye hear it, lads? Do ya? Dopey Dick's song! [points] We still have a chance to catch him! Everyone, beat to quarters!
Anchovies: [meeping]
[Dopey Dick jumps over the ship. He grabs Sponge-Hab, Pat-Buck, and Fishmael.]
Capn' A. Krabs: [gasps, growls]
[Capn' A. Krabs runs up the crow's nest with a plunger harpoon gun and kicks out another anchovy who's already there.]
Anchovy: Meeeep!
Planky: [jumps on harpoon gun] Hardy har-poon, sucker!
[Capn' A. Krabs and Planky fire their harpoons, which hit Dopey Dick.]
Dopey Dick: [notices] Doy? [angrily] Doy! [swims after them]
Sponge-Hab: Dopey! No!
Capn' A. Krabs and Planky: [screams]
Dopey Dick: [rams through the ship] Doy!
[Capn' A. Krabs and Planky fall off and into the ocean. Anchovies are grabbing onto the wreckage.]
Anchovies: [meeping]
[Dopey Dick circles the wreckage. Capn' A. Krabs notices something and gasps. When Dopey surfaces, Capn' A. Krabs and Planky are tied to him.]
Planky: Cut me loose, you Dopey dunce! [squawks]
Capn' A. Krabs: For hate's sake, we spit our last breath at thee! [they spit, but it flies back in their faces]
Fishmael: [panting] Captain Sponge-Hab, I don't wanna work here anymore!
Sponge-Hab and Pat-Buck: [laughing] Woo-hoo!
Dopey Dick: Doy! [dives down] Doy! [jumps over the ship]
Anchovies: [panicked meeping]
[Dopey jumps into the wreckage and causes a whirlpool, which sucks the anchovies and ship parts inside. Fishmael surfaces, leaning over a plank of wood.]
Fishmael: [narrating] And that's how I became the sole survivor of the hunt for Dopey Dick.
[Fade to him in the Jelly Squirt Inn. Sponge-Hab, Pat-Buck, and the inn patrons laugh at him.]
Capn' A. Krabs: You weren't the sole survivor! We were all there! [he and Planky laugh]
Fishmael: It's my story! I'm the hero! And I can end it any way I want! [storms out]
Capn' A. Krabs, Planky, and inn patrons: Aww, Fishmael! [laughing]
Capn' A. Krabs: [puts glasses on counter] You're all buying another round of jelly juice!
[Everyone cheers and laughs. Dopey Dick is behind a counter. He sprays jelly from his tentacles.]
Sponge-Hab: Yay! Yay! Yay!
Anchovies: Meep, meep, meep!
[The jelly pushes over an anchovies, Sponge-Hab and Pat-Buck, some anchovies, Capn' A. Krabs, and Planky. Fishmael is outside the inn.]
Fishmael: Those scurvy swine wouldn't know a good story if it bit them on the-- [screams and gets washed away by a stream of jelly]
[Dopey Dick's arm closes the book, creating a splat of jelly.]
Fishmael: [narrating] The end. [The screen irises out.]