This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Cleanin' House" from season 2, which aired on July 25, 2024.
- [In the Star family house, Bunny is cleaning.]
- Bunny: [vocalizing while dancing, uses her vacuum to suck up the thread from a spool, and shoots it back onto a coat hanger to make clothes]
- Clothes hanger: [tips hat]
- Bunny: [blows on vacuum and puts it away]
- [On the living room TV, Snail Fail is repeatedly hitting Sir Urchin with a hammer instead of the nail he is holding.]
- Bunny: [humming, uses a feather duster to clean the TV screen, turning it completely white] Good, clean television. Hmm? [looks down to see a candy wrapper and holds up a trash picker] Ha-ha! [pokes the wrapper with the trash picker, and does the same to several more near the couch]
- Patrick: [eating chocolate bars on the couch, spits a wrapper at Bunny, then eats another bar and spits the wrapper out again]
- Bunny: [pokes Patrick's chocolate bar with the picker]
- Patrick: [eats his hand] Hey, I was eating that!
- Bunny: Sorry, honey, I just get carried away when I'm cleaning. [phone rings]
- Bunny and Patrick: [look at the phone] Oh.
- Bunny: [uses trash picker to pick up the phone] Hello?
- Agnes: [on phone] Bunny.
- Bunny: Oh, hi, [waves] Mom.
- Agnes: Enough chitchat. The town worm-hog has passed away.
- Bunny: [gasps] Sally Minilla? No.
- Agnes: [at a table with a pile of bones on her plate, wearing a bib with a pig face] Yea, a real shame. [tosses toothpick] Anyway, she left her inheritance to you, her whole pigsty. [shot of Sally Minilla's dirty pigsty] You'll have to come here to claim it.
- Bunny: I'll be there right away. [hangs up using the trash picker] Oh, I'm so sad about Sally. But, hey, [jumps and kicks legs] free pigsty. [wheels her luggage and puts on a sun hat] All right, everyone. [pulls all four family members down] I am going to Klopnod for a week to clean-- I mean, claim my inheritance. [points] And all of you will be in charge of the house while I'm gone.
- Patrick: [waves] Bye, Mom! [approaches Bunny] Oh, back so soon?
- Bunny: All righty then. [opens the front door and leaves] Toodle-oo.
- Patrick: [turns around, calls] Mom! What's for dinner?
- GrandPat: She's gone for a week, remember?
- Cecil: With mom away, we're all gonna have to [pulls up his pants] pull our weight around here.
- Patrick: You got it, Dad. [eats a candy bar and spits the wrapper at Cecil]
- Cecil: That means cleaning up [points at the wrapper] your candy wrappers.
- Patrick: [shrugging] But, they usually just disappear. Like magic.
- Cecil: Ooh, kind of like [holds up wet towels] my wet towels after I shower.
- Squidina: Ah.
- GrandPat: [pulls his underwear off and tosses them to the floor]
- Squidina: [drops a coffee mug, letting it spill on the floor]
- French Narrator: [narrating time card] Six messy days later.
- [The house is now a filthy mess. Three cockroaches are playing Poker, and Patrick is eating pizza amidst the mess. He tosses a half-eaten slice aside, and eats another one. The phone rings, and he sinks into the mess to answer the can on top of the phone.]
- Patrick: Hello? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. [the actual phone rings] Oh, hold on. I've got another call. [tosses the can and answers] Hello? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay, bye now. [hangs up] Anyone know somebody named Mom?
- Cecil: [emerges] Yeah?
- Patrick: She says she's coming back home.
- Cecil: Home? [zoom out to show more of the mess] We gotta get the place clean before Bunny gets back.
- GrandPat: [pops his head out] I ain't doing any [dolphin chirp] cleanin'.
- Cecil: We'll start with your [grabs a soap bar from a bucket and shoves it into GrandPat's mouth] filthy mouth, Dad.
- Squidina: [pops out of a mummy's coffin] We need to split up. [gives the mummy a broom, points] Get those embalming fluids flowing, mummy. Mommy's coming home.
- Mummy: [runs off]
- Squidina: I'll take [picks up clipboard] kitchen. [points to Patrick] Patrick, clean your room.
- Patrick: [salutes and sinks]
- Squidina: [points to Cecil] Dad'll take the bathroom. [Cecil sinks] And GrandPat will clean the basement.
- GrandPat: I ain't-- [Squidina holds up a bar of soap] all right, already. [enters the mess]
- [Soap bubble transition to GrandPat walking down the basement stairs. The basement is covered in sand.]
- GrandPat: [grumbling, reaches the floor] Ugh.
- [Pan to the right, which shows that the basement's sand leads to an entire desert. A scorpion is also seen.]
- GrandPat: Those idiots don't know the first thing about cleanin'. [grabs a vacuum cleaner from his beard, then turns it on to start sucking in all the sand]
- [After some time, the vacuum starts to inflate dramatically.]
- GrandPat: Huh? [yells as the vacuum starts squeaking as it grows even farther] Oh, she's gonna blow!
- [The vacuum explodes and turns into a mini tornado, which starts sucking in the rest of the sand.]
- Dust devil: [sucks in a hat from the sand, laughs]
- GrandPat: [yelps, touches the dust devil] Hey there, little fella.
- Dust devil: [laughs and spits sand in GrandPat's face, then flies off]
- GrandPat: [covered in sand, spitting and spreading it out] Ah, [raising fist] get back here, you filthy funnel. [chases after the dust devil, who leaves the basement]
- [Scene changes to a filthy swamp of a kitchen, where Squidina enters.]
- Squidina: Oh, boy, this kitchen is worse than I thought. [jumps on a table] Time to get [holds out a sponge package] ultra-absorbent! [rips open the package to reveal SpongeBob inside]
- SpongeBob: Bobs away! [sinks into the murky water and absorbs it all] Tastes like leftovers.
- Squidina: The leftovers! [hand on fridge handle] Last but not least, [holds a mop and opens the fridge] let's clean out the old food. [sees the fridge's contents have turned into a sentient monster]
- Mold monster: [hisses]
- Squidina: [hits the monster with the mop] Hey, I'm the executive producer. I do the yelling around here. [throws the broom at the monster, yells] Now get to work!
- Mold monster: [begins mopping the floors, whimpering]
- [Cleaning supply transition to Cecil entering the bathroom with cleaning supplies.]
- Cecil: Cleanin' time! [looks around to see the mess, grumbles in disgust, shakes head] Mm-mm. [tosses cleaning supplies away, tugs on his hair to turn his beard into a cleaning machine, walks around on to clean the mess, but then bumps into Tinkle] Hey, Tinkle. [jumps up] Hmm. Bunny normally cleans you, but let me give it a try. [tries to use a toilet cleaner to clean Tinkle]
- Tinkle: [growls, bites Cecil's hand off]
- Cecil: [yells, pulls away] Mm. Time for plan B.
- [Cleaning supply transition to Patrick walking in the hallway.]
- Patrick: Pshh, I bet my room is fine. [the bedroom door's cheeks are full] How bad could it be? [the bedroom door's mouth opens, revealing lots of trash and shrinking his face, who dives inside his room and falls down] Barnacles. There's too much trash!
- Slappy: [pants creepily, emerging from the trash] Why don't you give it all to me? I just love dirty laundry.
- Patrick: You want my trash?
- Slappy: Oh, yes.
- Patrick: Trash that I, Patrick Star, [pulls down The Patrick Show poster] star of The Patrick Show, have thrown out?
- Slappy: Yes. I love Patrick Star.
- Patrick: Huh. [lets go of poster] Never heard of me. [digs out a dirty toothbrush and gives it to Slappy] Here you go.
- Slappy: Oh. [takes out a plastic bag and puts the toothbrush inside] I will keep this [zips up the bag] forever and ever. Oh, oh, oh! [puts the bag away]
- Patrick: [digs into his trash to give Slappy more things]
- [Hans wipes a sponge over the screen to transition to the next scene. The kitchen is now completely clean. Squidina and the mold monster stand proudly.]
- Squidina: [sniffs] Ah, the pine scent of success.
- Mold monster: Blurgh.
- [Crashing is heard as the dust devil enters the room.]
- Squidina: [screams as she picks up the mold monster]
- Dust devil: [laughs and hides under the table]
- GrandPat: [skids and looks around] You can twist, but you can't hide, you wicked wind.
- Dust devil: [emerges, laughs, and takes the mold monster with it]
- GrandPat: [screams]
- [Cleaning supply transition to Cecil opening the bathroom door to the bathroom with the lights turned off. A shadow of what resembles Bunny appears, and Cecil is shown wearing Bunny's clothes.]
- Cecil: [feminine voice] Hello, Tinkle.
- Tinkle: Huh?
- Cecil: [feminine voice] Mama's here. [normal voice] Time for plan B. B for Bunny. [tiptoes to Tinkle, tossing the toilet brush to his other hand]
- Tinkle: [yips, then growls]
- Cecil: Oh. Don't tell me I [holds out leg] shaved my legs for nothing.
- Dust devil: [laughs, sucking in Cecil and letting him fall]
- Tinkle: [yips]
- Dust devil: [tries to clean Tinkle with the toilet cleaner, but gets eaten by him]
- Tinkle: [wheeze laughs, then gets beaten up internally by the dust devil before being eaten and spat out clean, grins]
- Dust devil: [gives Cecil the toilet cleaner back]
- Cecil: Wow. What a helpful little demon. A clean toilet [the dust devil taps on his shoulder] is a happy toi--
- Dust devil: [points up as the camera zooms out to show the outsides of the bathroom are still filthy; licks Cecil with dirt and laughs, then spits dust]
- Cecil: Time for plan C. C as in [shakes head to get rid of the filth on him] catch that helpful little demon!
- Dust devil: [runs off as Cecil chases it]
- Squidina: [riding GrandPat, points ahead] Giddy up, GrandPat.
- Cecil: [gets run over by GrandPat, then continues chasing]
- [Horizontal cleaning supply transition to Patrick back in his bedroom, standing on top of Slappy who has a bunch of trash.]
- Patrick: [with a hot dog] One last piece. [puts the hot dog in Slappy's clothes] And goodbye, garbage.
- Slappy: [carrying the trash in his clothes] I'm taking this to my grave, where I sleep.
- [The doorbell rings.]
- Patrick: [drops in front of the door, taking off gloves and hat, tossing them away] Ooh, must be the pizza I don't remember ordering.
- Dust devil: [enters the room, laughs]
- Squidina: [riding GrandPat, pointing] After that filthy brat.
- Cecil: [running inside] Get back here, you nasty, nasty boy.
- [The bedroom shuts as Patrick is planted on the wall.]
- Patrick: [gets up, gasps] Hey, I want to play!
- Dust devil: [laughs as the Star family chases after it, creating dust]
- [The Star family all bump into one another and fall to the floor.]
- Dust devil: [laughs and sucks in the Star family, then spits them out onto the wall in sequence]
- Patrick: [laughs]
- Dust devil: [rolls up its muscular arm and chases Slappy]
- Slappy: [walking away] No. No. Stay away. This is my Patrick trash stash. Mine.
- Dust devil: Whoo!
- Slappy: [grabs onto an open wire as the dust devil sucks in all of his trash] That tickles. Do it again.
- Dust devil: [eats Slappy, licks its lips, then spits out all of the trash it has collected all over the room]
- Patrick: [all four fall to the floor] This is horrible! [scratches his butt] My butt really itches.
- Squidina: That's no itch.
- Patrick: Huh?
- Squidina: [points to the trash picker between Patrick's buttocks] That's Mom's garbage stick.
- Patrick: Hey, the magical candy wand!
- Squidina: Yeah, use it to clean up that dust devil.
- Patrick: [stands up] Mama taught me how. [runs backwards and leaps] Hey, dusty! [pokes the dust devil with the garbage stick, making it explode into trash that spreads all over the house]
- Dust devil: [spits Slappy out, coughs as it spits out the last pieces of trash, then falls down and vanishes, leaving only the hat]
- Patrick: [emerges from the trash] Hey, we defeated the trash twister.
- Squidina: [emerges] And we still have time to clean up before Mom gets home.
- [A horn honks, and everyone looks outside. A taxi pulls up to the house and drives backwards as Bunny exits.]
- Bunny: [waving] Thanks for the bumpy ride, taxi man. [heads for the house]
- Patrick: Mom! She's real.
- Cecil: But the house is messier than before!
- Squidina: Quick, let's just sweep it all under the rug!
- Bunny: [walking to the front door, humming]
- Squidina: [panting as she shoves trash under the carpet]
- Bunny: [still walking to the front door, humming]
- Cecil: [frantically scooping trash to put under the carpet]
- Bunny: [humming while walking around the house]
- Patrick: [rips up part of the carpet and places it under a painting]
- Bunny: [humming while skipping on top of the house, then finally kicks the door open] I'm back!
- Patrick, Squidina, Cecil, and GrandPat: Welcome home!
- [The camera pans over to the clean living room.]
- Bunny: Oh, I was hoping you'd leave something for me to tidy up. Oh, look at the carpet! [spots a bump in the carpet] I'll just fix that. [giggles as she lowers her foot to step on the bump]
- Patrick, Squidina, Cecil, and GrandPat: No, no, no, no, no!
- Bunny: [steps on the bump, making the house inflate and explode into trash, off-screen] I just love my fabulous, filthy family.