Chopping Spree/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Chopping Spree" from season 3, which aired on July 31, 2024.

[The episode opens with Patrick, wearing a robe in a chair near a campfire in his house. He is eating chocolate ice cream.]
Patrick: [looks at the camera] Hmm? [swallows] Hello. Didn't see you there. [tosses spoon, puts ice cream tub on like a cap] Welcome to Patrick's Reading Hour. [grabs a comic book] Tonight's selection is the comic book classic, "Pat the Hapless and the Search to Slaughter the Smell." [licks finger to turn the page] Our journey begins in the mystical land of Patgar.
[A comic book panel is shown, where Pat the Hapless is holding a sword in front of a three-headed bird monster.]
Beelzebass: [in the air] Give up, Pat the Sapless. You cannot defeat me now that I have control over the mind of the Jabbersquawky.
Jabbersquawky: [middle head roars, left head whistles] [right head speaks] Polly wanna crack your skull!
Pat the Hapless: [holds up sword] Puny parrot no match for Pat the Hapless. We'll make into excellent poultry feast.
Beelzebass: Not if I send you to your alaka-doom! [controls the Jabbersquawky to go after Pat the Hapless]
Pat the Hapless: [leaping in the air] Leedle, leedle, leedle, lee! [slices the heads off of the Jabbersquawky]
Beelzebass: Wha?
[The Jabbersquawky's remains fall to the ground, getting goo on Pat the Hapless.]
Pat the Hapless: People of Patgar, you are now safe from the beast.
Civilians: [cheering and applauding]
Beelzebass: Yeah, yeah, victory is yours, again. [snaps fingers to vanish]
Villagers: [a stench hits their noses, disgusting them]
Pat the Hapless: [covered in the stench, sniffs and sighs] That's the smell of victory, fragrance of champions. [jumps onto a Puffsaur] Ha-ha!
Puffasaur: [roars, retracts trunk as it smells the stench, a tear coming out of its eye]
Pat the Hapless: [points ahead] Homeward, mighty Puffasaur. [rides through the town] You can all thank me later.
Civilians: [disgusted from the stench]
[The stench envelops the screen as the Puffasaur has arrived at Pat the Hapless' home.]
Puffasaur: [stops, then angrily tosses the stench away]
Pat the Hapless: [still covered in the stench, enters his house and puts away his sword] Dragon, sweet dragon. [lounges in his chair and sighs]
[The stench from his armpits spreads all throughout the house, and leaks outside.]
Pat the Hapless: [sips drink] Hmm. Beverage more pungent than usual. [knocking is heard at the door] Who dares disturb Pat's quality time? [holds ax, then answers the door to see some people in cloaks] Have at thee! [lowers ax] Oh, it's just you, Dragon Carcass Owners Association.
Middle DCOA member: We've been getting complaints.
Left DCOA member: From the coven of neighbors.
Right DCOA member: About [points] you.
Pat the Hapless: What is it this time? [pulls down rope to show holiday lights] Crogsmas lights out of season? [holds lawn gnome] Lawn gnomes too tacky?
Left DCOA member: [holds hand up] Nah. The issue at hand is, [lowers cloak to reveal his face, nose clenched with a clothespin] you absolutely reek, dude.
Middle DCOA member: Everyone's complainin'.
Right DCOA member: [both lower cloaks] Yeah, you gotta take a bath.
Pat the Hapless: [blows raspberry] Pat the Hapless don't have products for bath. Only products for [holds several bloody weapons] bloodbath.
Middle DCOA member: [holds out piece of paper] Here, take this.
Pat the Hapless: [drops weapons and picks up the paper] Huh? [reading] One free bath bomb at Bath & Bludgeon Works?
Middle DCOA member: [all pull up their cloaks] Clean up before tomorrow.
Left DCOA member: Or you shall incur.
DCOA members: [moving backwards] A strongly worded letter! [leaves fly by in the wind as they fade out]
Patrick: [narrating as Pat the Hapless jumps on his Puffasaur] So Pat the Hapless boarded his Puffasaur [scene transitions to Pat the Hapless riding his Puffasaur] and rode through the searing desert until he reached his final destination, [Pat the Hapless stops before a sign] the Shopping Maul.
Pat the Hapless: [rides Puffasaur to the front desk]
Buff guy: [points down] Pay the parking fee to get in.
Pat the Hapless: [takes out two heads, which groan; tosses them into the container]
Buff guy: Is this some kind of sick joke? [points to a sign with a 3 and a fish head] It costs three heads to get in, or are you some kind of dummy that can't read? [laughs, then Pat the Hapless slides his head off] Oy! Happy shopping.
[The hand gate lifts up, and Pat the Hapless enters the building. Several other creatures are already inside.]
Pat the Hapless: Crog-darn it. Mall parking packed today. [points ahead] Hark on yonder, the compact parking! [squeezes between two creatures, which pushes both sides of them completely out of the way] Perfect. [lets go of the Puffasaur's ropes and slides down, then presses a remote to lock it in place like a car]
[Two men with ski masks each crank a wheel to open a door. Pat the Hapless walks through.]
Pat the Hapless: Bellowing barnacles, mall vast. It will take eons to find bath bomb... bomb... [gasps, approaches a floating map and takes it] An enchanted mall map. [fist bangs the hand that held the map] Many thanks. [map extends along the floor]Huh. Mall really is vast. [map ends near Beelzebass]
Beelzebass: [holding action figure packages of him and Pat the Hapless] Which of these would look better on my collector's shelf? I don't have enough allowance to get both. Ooh, [drops figures] you.
Pat the Hapless: My mortal--
Beelzebass: Enemy.
Pat the Hapless: [holds his ax and yells, lunging at Beelzebass]
Beelzebass: [lunges at Pat the Hapless]
[Both scream again, then suddenly stop.]
Beelzebass: Wait a minute. We're not on the clock.
Pat the Hapless: Oh, yeah. Sorry. Force of habit.
Beelzebass: [puts arm on Pat's shoulder] You're too dedicated to your job, my friend.
Pat the Hapless: Pat struggles with work-life balance. Therapist say it no good.
[Both stand in silence for a moment.]
Beelzebass: [clears throat]
Pat the Hapless: So, uh, Pat kind of in middle of quest here.
Beelzebass: [holds out hands] Yes, yes. Well, I-- I'm also on an important quest.
Pat the Hapless: [both cross paths] Oh, and since I didn't get to do this earlier. [slices Beelzebass' head off]
Beelzebass: Ooh. [chuckles, Pat leaves] You always were a thorough one. [sighs, picks up his head and leaves] At least I have something for my collector's shelf.
Jabbersquawky: [squawks past the screen as the scene transitions to Pat the Hapless looking at a map, which moves ahead as he walks.]
Pat the Hapless: [narrating over himself] To get bath bomb, Pat must traverse the Court of Food.
[A smell pulls on Pat's face and gestures ahead, where a mermaid holds out corn dog samples.]
Mermaid #1: ♪ Free. ♪
Mermaid #2: [holding plates of newt eyes] ♪ Free. ♪
Mermaid #3: [holding plates of chicken legs] ♪ Free. ♪
Mermaids: ♪ Free samples! ♪ [blink repeatedly]
Pat the Hapless: The food sample sirens. [walks ahead] Must not get distracted by their savory wiles.
Mermaid #2: [holds up a newt eye to Pat's face] Deep-fried eye of newt? [screams as Pat grabs her face to throw her aside] Whoa!
Pat the Hapless: [eats the samples]
Mermaid #3: [holding up a philly cheese snake] Philly cheese snake? [gets tosses aside by Pat and screams]
Pat the Hapless: [eats the samples]
Mermaid #4: [holding a beverage] Boneba tea? [gets spun and tossed by Pat] Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Mermaid #2: [holding up a centipede] Boiled centipede?
Mermaid #3: [holding up a dead lizard] Lizard kebab?
Mermaid #4: [holding up two pieces of cheese with eyes] Eye cheese?
Mermaids: [all speaking simultaneously]
Pat the Hapless: [screams while holding his ax, then slices the free samples and the mermaids' hands to catch them with his mouth] Mmm, finger food. [walks away]
[A video game style map appears, and Pat's character moves to the right.]
Patrick: [narrating] Thus, Pat the Hapless continued on his quest, [Pat moves past a room indicated by a sword and shield] searching for the Bath & Bludgeon Works. [the Pat character moves back to where he started and gets frustrated] But he got a little lost, and he ended up back where he started.
Pat the Hapless: [reading map, groans] Pat grows [tosses map] weary of this mall. [to a fountain] Oh, almighty Crog, bestow such luck upon Pat the Hapless that he might complete his journey to Bath & Bludgeon Works. [turns around] While you work on that miracle, Pat the Hapless shall make camp. [falls asleep, snoring]
[Two goblin-like figures appear, cackling. They carry Pat away, who wakes up.]
Pat the Hapless: [wakes up, his limbs tied to a metal board] Huh? What's this? Torture chamber? [strains to try to break free, groans] Huh?
Fred: [stretches his legs out on a torture chamber, yelling]
Woman: [walking along a spiky treadmill] Oh! Ow! Ow!
Man: [climbing wall of hot coals] Whoo! hot! Whoo! Oh, feel the burn. Feel the burn.
Pat the Hapless: This worse than torture chamber. This Health and Fitness Center.
Goblins: [cackling, step out of the shadows to reveal themselves]
Blue goblin: That's right.
Green goblin: [shakes protein shake] Would you like a protein shake? [drinks shake, burps, then crushes it with his head, tossing it away] Or a complimentary stretch? [cranks a lever to make Pat's limbs stretch]
Pat the Hapless: [groans] Why am I here? Pat the Hapless in peak physical condition.
Green goblin: Are you sure? If you sign up today, [points to clipboard] you'll get a 20% discount off our [rubs clipboard in Pat's face] lifetime membership.
Pat the Hapless: [groans, breaking free as his muscles grow] Ahh! Ahh! Time to cancel your membership to [holds ax] life.
Goblins: [scream off-screen as slicing is heard]
[The double doors are destroyed, and Pat comes out with the goblins' heads.]
Pat the Hapless: [groans]
Green goblin: Okay, okay. How about we throw in a free water bottle? [both scream as Pat tosses their heads away]
Pat the Hapless: [looks at map] Now, where that bath bomb? Huh?
Blue fish: [up above, opens a scroll] Hear ye, hear ye.
Civilians: [gathering around] Huh?
Blue fish: There is but one bath bomb left in [the bath bomb is seen on a store tower in the store] Bath & Bludgeon Works.
Pat the Hapless: [off-screen] Bath bomb.
Blue fish: [off-screen] This last bomb is now 50% off!
All but Pat the Hapless[run off]
Pat the Hapless: Oh, no, you shan't! [throws ax] Hee-yah!
[The ax chops the four civilians' heads off. Pat catches his ax and the heads are tossed to the side.]
Pat the Hapless: [runs and climbs up the tower] Finally, at long last, Pat the Hapless journey comes to its triumphant end. [tries to grab the bath bomb]
Patrick: [grabs the bath bomb] Oh, boy!
Pat the Hapless: Huh?
Patrick: I forgot this comic came with a free jawbreaker. [puts the bath bomb in his mouth, slides his teeth, and swallows, making soap come out of his ears] Mm, lavender-flavored.
Pat the Hapless: [growls] All this for nothing? [eyes turn into bombs that explode; wields axe as lightning strikes] Leedle-leedle-leedle! [runs, turning into a giant saw blade, slicing off three customers' heads]
[The three heads land on a kid's ice cream cone.]
Perfume lady: [to Pat] Hello, welcome to the perfume department. [Pat comes by to slice her head off; her body sprays perfume on her head]
Pat the Hapless: [shouts, then slices cobra heads off of three vases, which spill perfume on his body; exhales] Ooh, that feel better. [sniffs, perfume takes over his body] Hmm, stench of failure more pleasant than stink of victory. Hmm, [shrugs] call that a win. [walks off]
Heads: [groaning as a janitor sweeps them up]
[A head sweeps by the screen as the scene transitions back to Pat's house.]
Pat the Hapless: [still having perfume stench, sips drink as a knock is heard at the door; growls, tossing drink, answers the door with arms crossed] Hmph.
[The DCOA members are seen.]
Left DCOA member: Well, have you done as we requested?
Pat the Hapless: Pat cover with perfume, Death Knell Number Five.
[The perfume covers the DCOA members' faces, making their eyes red and tear up.]
DCOA members: [scream]
Left DCOA member: It's somehow even worse than before! [all swell and blow up, collapsing]
Pat the Hapless: Huh. [closes door, sits in chair with glass] Ah, finally. Nothing else can ruin day. [his house tilts, making him fall onto the camera]
Patrick: [snoring in his chair as the comic book falls] Huh? [sits up] Oh, sorry, folks. Sometimes reading bores me to sleep. [reaches for the comic book]
Pat the Hapless: [growls, chops Patrick's head off with his ax]
Patrick: [head falls on his body] I guess this is where we part. [camera irises out on his head]