Boating School/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Boating School" from Season 1, which aired on August 7, 1999.

[SpongeBob's foghorn alarm goes off]
SpongeBob: This is it, Gary!
Gary: Meow. [SpongeBob's bed bounces up and flings SpongeBob onto the calendar, where he lands on March 3rd with the words "boating exam today!" on it then drops to the floor]
SpongeBob: The big boating exam is today! I've never felt so capable! [A door opens from underneath him. He comes out of his house riding a unicycle] I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready. Squidward! Squidward!
Squidward: What?
SpongeBob: I'm ready, Squidward! [SpongeBob rides his unicycle around Squidward's house]
Squidward: Ready to move?
SpongeBob: No, I'm ready to pass my boating test. [Rides his unicycle towards the school] I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready... [stops his unicycle near a dumpster and jumps off of it] I'm ready-eady-eady-eady-eady-eady-eady-eady-ready. Well, pal, I won't be needing you anymore. [throws the unicycle into the dumpster] I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready! Oh, yeah! I'm ready!
Gus: Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yes! Hey, I just got my license!
SpongeBob: [snaps fingers] Hey, I'm getting mine next!
Gus: Hey, I doubt it! [walks off]
SpongeBob: Okay, see you on the road. I'm ready! Here I come, Mrs. Puff! I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready. [jumps around the boardwalk]
Mrs. Puff: [sighs] I'm not ready. [opens the door]
SpongeBob: Hi, Mrs. Puff! Today is the day I'm going to pass my boating exam!
Mrs. Puff: [with clipboard and pen in hand] We'll see about that, SpongeBob. First we must...
SpongeBob: First I must pass the oral exam. I am confident in my abilities to successfully succeed.
Mrs. Puff: I know. Okay, #1: What is the front of the boat?
SpongeBob: The bow. [Mrs. Puff writes down his answer]
Mrs. Puff: What is the back?
SpongeBob: Stern. [Mrs. Puff writes down his answer]
Mrs. Puff: #3: Right is...
SpongeBob: Starboard. [answers the remaining questions] Port. Skipper. Deck. Cabin. Galley. Keel. 1924. [Mrs. Puff writes down his answers]
Mrs. Puff: You've passed the oral test. What a surprise! [gets in the boat and secures herself tightly] Now it's time to once again take the driving portion of the exam. Okay, SpongeBob, get in the boat.
SpongeBob: Oh, in this boat right here? [looks at his watch] Is it time already?
Mrs. Puff: Get in the boat, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Oh yeah, absolutely. [gets in]
Mrs. Puff: All you have to do is get on the track. [looks ahead to the track that gets longer and longer] Okay, SpongeBob, what's the first thing you do?
SpongeBob: 1924?
Mrs. Puff: No, no. First thing is to start the boat. [Mrs. Puff turns the engine on and SpongeBob goes crazy] SpongeBob? SpongeBob? Relax, it's only the boat.
SpongeBob: The boat?
Mrs. Puff: Okay, now what do you do next?
SpongeBob: Floor it?
Mrs. Puff: Yes... no, no! Don't floor it.
SpongeBob: Floor it?
Mrs. Puff: No, no, don't, don't floor it.
SpongeBob: Okay, floor it.
Mrs. Puff: No! No! [SpongeBob pushes the accelerator down and starts driving backwards really fast by some spectators and drives into a lighthouse. After crashing, Mrs. Puff inflates and becomes big and round with a deep voice] Oh, SpongeBob, why?
Fred: My leg!
SpongeBob: [in his bed] I don't know why, Gary. I don't know. I'm tired of failing that boating test. I've already taken it thirty-seven times.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Okay, thirty-eight. [puts his pillow on his head]
Gary: [puts on SpongeBob's boots] Meow.
SpongeBob: No, Gary, I'm not walking.
Patrick: [over walkie-talkie in SpongeBob's bed] SpongeBob, this is star ranger, over.
SpongeBob: [through walkie-talkie] What is it, Patrick?
Patrick: [through walkie-talkie] I got a surprise for you.
SpongeBob: [through walkie-talkie] Oh, Patrick, I'm not in the mood.
Patrick: [through walkie-talkie] Get out of bed. [SpongeBob gets out of bed]
SpongeBob: [through walkie-talkie] Okay, now what, Patrick?
Patrick: [through walkie-talkie] Go to your closet for a surprise. [SpongeBob slides down a room and stands up in front of his closet door]
SpongeBob: [through walkie-talkie] Okay, I'm at the closet.
Patrick: [through walkie-talkie] Listen carefully. What's pink and square at the same time?
SpongeBob: [through walkie-talkie] I don't know, Patrick. [SpongeBob opens the closet door and Patrick has one of SpongeBob's SquarePants on]
Patrick: Patrick SquarePants!
SpongeBob: [deadpan] Pat, don't do that. [sits in a chair] I've got too much to worry about.
Patrick: What's the problem?
SpongeBob: I can't pass my boating exam. I've taken it thirty-seven...
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: ...uhh, thirty-eight times. I know all the answers... [Patrick's square pants rip off] ...until I get behind the wheel. I just need something to help me think straight.
Patrick: Thinking straight is what I do. You drive and I'll do all the thinking for you. [takes SpongeBob's walkie-talkie]
SpongeBob: How are we going to do that? [Patrick puts a walkie-talkie into SpongeBob's head with the antenna coming out of the top]
Patrick: Come in, SpongeBob. Hello? Hello?
SpongeBob: Hey! I can hear you in my head! This is great! While I'm taking the test, you can give me all the answers. [SpongeBob notices the antenna sticking out] Wait a minute, Patrick. Won't I look silly with this antenna coming out of my head? [Patrick puts a tall hat over the antenna. Next, we see a big telescope peeking out SpongeBob's upstairs window]
Patrick: [through walkie-talkie] Pat to Sponge, Pat to Sponge, testing, testing. [looking through the telescope at SpongeBob] Testing, testing, testing, testing, testing, testing! Testing! [loudly] Testing! [screams] Test. Do you read?!
SpongeBob: Sponge to Pat, I read you loud and clear, over.
Patrick: [through walkie-talkie] Got your apple ready? [SpongeBob shows an apple] Lucky undergarments? Hold on. Hold on. [Patrick focuses in on the underwear with the telescope to reveal the word lucky on the top of it] Bingo! Underwear, apple, and me. You're ready to get that license. Uh-oh, here comes Mrs. Puff! Act natural. [SpongeBob jumps out of the boat and on the ground and starts chewing grass]
SpongeBob: Moo.
Patrick: [through walkie-talkie] No, no, get in the boat! [SpongeBob jumps in the boat. A siren is heard as Mrs. Puff comes out an ambulance and into the boat] Give her the apple. [SpongeBob gives her the apple]
SpongeBob: Here you go, ma'am. [Mrs. Puff throws apple in her mouth and swallows]
Mrs. Puff: Let's get this over with. [takes a deep breath] What's the first thing you do? [puts hands and arms over head for protection]
SpongeBob: Uhh...
Patrick: [through walkie-talkie] Start the boat. [SpongeBob pushes a button that starts the boat causing Mrs. Puff to go crazy]
SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff. Mrs. Puff!
Mrs. Puff: Whoa-ho! Huh? What?
SpongeBob: It's okay, it's only the boat.
Mrs. Puff: The boat? You started the boat?
SpongeBob: I... I think so.
Mrs. Puff: Oh. Well... what's the second thing you do?
SpongeBob: 1924?
Patrick: [through walkie-talkie] No, no, put it in drive.
SpongeBob: Put it in drive?
Mrs. Puff: Yes, yes, yes! [SpongeBob pushes lever down to drive] Put it in drive. Then what?
SpongeBob: [lifts leg up] Floor it?
Mrs. Puff: No! [screams] No!
Patrick: [through walkie-talkie] Freeze, mister! [SpongeBob stops] Big toe. [SpongeBob's big toe pops out of his shoe and gently pushes the accelerator down]
Mrs. Puff: Oh, gracious. Oh, gracious! Oh-oh. Ha-ha! Ah, we haven't crashed yet.
Patrick: [through walkie-talkie] Okay, you're coming to your first turn. [giant wall with the word wall on it is shown and a left curve]
Mrs. Puff: Oh no, the first turn. Please, tell me you know what to do at the first turn!
Patrick: [through walkie-talkie] Left! [SpongeBob turns left]
Mrs. Puff: Oh!
Patrick: [through walkie-talkie] Right! [SpongeBob turns right]
Mrs. Puff: Oh! Oh my, this is splendid, SpongeBob. You're doing fine.
Montage: [SpongeBob stops at a stop sign and looks both ways before starting to drive again. Then drives around with his left arm out making a signal. Patrick still talking to SpongeBob through the walkie-talkie as SpongeBob drives over a big hill in the road. As Mrs. Puff writes a couple things on her clipboard, Patrick is putting on another pair of SquarePants. SpongeBob pulls back on the boat and the boat jumps in the air over a big anchor. Patrick finds SpongeBob's diary and begins to read and laugh at it as SpongeBob jumps off a ramp through a ring of fire. Fred is walking across the course but SpongeBob stops the boat and helps him walk across. He gets back in the boat as Patrick is eating out of SpongeBob's fridge. SpongeBob is sitting back and driving with his feet and driving upside down.]
Mrs. Puff: Splendid! Wonderful! [sign that reads finish line is just ahead] There's the finish line. It's unbelievable. You've shown the most spectacular improvement of any student I've ever seen. What's your secret? A little radio in your head? [everyone laughs] Oh, and under that hat is some kind of, uhh, antenna? [everyone laughs] And some guy miles away from here is giving you all the answers? [everyone laughs] Oh, yes, but that would be cheating. [SpongeBob opens his eyes wide realizing he is cheating]
Patrick: Cheating! [laughing hysterically]
SpongeBob: I'm cheating?! Mrs Puff!
Mrs. Puff: Yes, my star pupil?
SpongeBob: I think I'm cheating.
Mrs. Puff: What's that, dear? [SpongeBob takes a hold of Mrs. Puff]
SpongeBob: I think I am cheating!
Mrs. Puff: You've... you've let go of the wheel.
SpongeBob: I do have an antenna under my hat! [shows antennae under hat] There is a guy giving me all the answers! It's all true! [crying] I'm cheating! I'm cheating! I'm cheating!
Patrick: What?! [Patrick runs out of SpongeBob's house and back under his rock, crying]
SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Mrs. Puff! I'm sorry!
Mrs. Puff: [packing] The wheel, SpongeBob! The wheel...
SpongeBob: Cheating... I'm a cheater! Cheater...
Mrs. Puff: No, no, no! It's quite alright! You can cheat that way!
SpongeBob: No... I'm cheating...!
Mrs. Puff: At least, SpongeBob...
SpongeBob: Cheating!
Mrs. Puff: Cheat that way!
SpongeBob: I'm a cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater!
Mrs. Puff: It's okay to cheat today!
SpongeBob: No...!
Mrs. Puff: That way! Cheat that way!
SpongeBob: Cheater...! [crashes off screen into the lighthouse again, Mrs. Puff inflates again]
Mrs. Puff: [manly voice] Oh, SpongeBob, why?
SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff, I think I cheated.
Fred: My leg!
SpongeBob: Uhh, I'm sorry for letting you down again, Mrs. Puff.
Mrs. Puff: It's okay, SpongeBob, you didn't mean it. Okay, boys, take me away. [EMTs shove Mrs. Puff into the ambulance]
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Mrs. Puff. I'll try harder next semester. [Mrs. Puff screams as she is taken away by the ambulance] It'll be great! [walks away] Only now I don't even have my bike.
Gary: [with SpongeBob's bike] Meow.
SpongeBob: Gary! My bike! You found it! This sponge is still mobile! [rides away on his bike] Alright, let's go surprise someone at the hospital!

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