This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Big Pink Loser" from season 2, which aired on February 3, 2001.
- Narrator: Welcome to Bikini Bottom, where can be found some of the finest specimens of undersea life. [chuckles] Well, you know. [Patrick is sleeping and the mailfish walks by and puts a box in his open mouth as he is yawning and waking up, he grabs it and quickly opens it, and it turns out to be a shiny, gold trophy]
- Patrick: An award? I never got an award before! Eeeee! Look rock, I got an award. [antenna on top of rock breaks] Jellyfish, I got an award. [jellyfish zap him and he jumps up above the surface] Island, I got an awar... [chokes for air and floats back down] I gotta show SpongeBob.
- SpongeBob: [building a house of cards looking like Gary] Hold still, Gary.
- Gary: Meow.
- SpongeBob: Almost done. [Patrick smashes through the wall and cards fall on the floor; Gary flies away]
- Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, guess what? I got an award.[SpongeBob falls down to the floor]
- SpongeBob: That's great, Patrick. What's it for?
- Patrick: See for yourself.
- SpongeBob: [his body is facedown, but his face come out and reads the award] "For Outstanding Achievement In Achievement: SpongeBob SquarePants?"
- Patrick: SpongeBob SquarePants? That's a funny way to spell my name.
- SpongeBob: Patrick, I think the award is for me. You must've got it by mistake.
- Patrick: But, it's shiny. [SpongeBob takes the trophy]
- SpongeBob: Yeah, but you know what else is shiny?
- Patrick: Ice cream!
- SpongeBob: Exactly!
- Patrick: I can find it. Is it in here?
- SpongeBob: No, don't! That's my... [Patrick opens the door and a bunch of awards pile out of SpongeBob's closet] ...award closet.
- Patrick: I want an award! [starts to cry]
- SpongeBob: [has two 1st place ribbons in his eyes] Aww, Patrick, don't cry. [Patrick starts sobbing loudly and wildly going away from the awards] You'll get an award one day.
- Patrick: I'm never gonna get an award 'cause I've never done anything.
- SpongeBob: But you're Patrick... [jumps on Patrick and his eyes turn into stars] Star. You can do anything you want.
- Patrick: That's easy for you to say. You're SpongeBob.
- SpongeBob: Patrick, if you wanna win an award, you have to do something.
- Patrick: Hmmm...I wanna defeat the giant monkeyman and save the 9th dimension!
- SpongeBob: Me too! But that sounds a little hard. Why don't we start smaller?
- Patrick: I wanna defeat the little monkeyman and save the 8th dimension!
- SpongeBob: Smaller. [shrinks]
- Patrick: Doctor?
- SpongeBob: Smaller. [shrinks more]
- Patrick: Fireman?
- SpongeBob: [In a tiny voice] The smallest you can think of. [shrinks even more]
- Patrick: A job at the Krusty Krab?
- SpongeBob: [normal voice] Yeah! [grows to normal size] I do things at work all the time.
- Patrick: Then let's go. [Patrick runs off, pulling off SpongeBob's arm]
- Patrick: Boy, it sure was nice of Mr. Krabs to give me a job.
- SpongeBob: And at 50 dollars an hour, too. When I started working here, I had to pay Mr. Krabs 100 dollars an hour. Hey, Squidward, guess who just got a job?
- Squidward: Guess who just quit? [puts his hat on Patrick's head and then leaves]
- Patrick: Do I get my award yet?
- SpongeBob: You have to work for it, remember?
- Patrick: Tartar sauce. [SpongeBob flipping patties]
- SpongeBob: [SpongeBob places the order in the window] Pick up order! [Patrick comes and eats the order]
- Patrick: Do I get my award, now?
- SpongeBob: No, you have to take the tray to the customer.
- Patrick: Ok. [tray gets to table but with no food; Patrick burps]
- SpongeBob: Almost. Try again and this time make sure the food gets to the table. [Patrick arrives with food on tray but then eats it as he sits down]
- Patrick: Like that?
- SpongeBob: Nope.
- Patrick: [spits out food at the customer as he yells] Barnacles!
- SpongeBob: Let's try something different.
- SpongeBob: All you have to do is answer the phone.
- Patrick: Aye aye, Captain! [phone rings]
- Guy on Phone: Is this the Krusty Krab?
- Patrick: No, this is Patrick. [hangs up and starts whistling; phone rings again]
- Girl on Phone: Is this the Krusty Krab?
- Patrick: [annoyed] No, this is Patrick! [hangs up and continues to whistle; phone rings yet again]
- Another Guy on Phone: Is this the Krusty Krab?
- Patrick: [angry] No! This is Patrick! [puts phone down and folds his arms] I'm not a Krusty Krab.
- SpongeBob: Uhh, Patrick, that's the name of the restaurant.
- Patrick: Huh? Oh...Fishpaste!
- SpongeBob: It looks a little dusty around Table 3. How about you sweep it out? [hands Patrick a broom]
- Patrick: What's the point? I can't do anything right.
- SpongeBob: You'll do fine. [Patrick sweeps with the handle side of the broom instead of the head]
- Nat: [approaches Patrick] Hey pal. You just blow in from Stupidtown? [continues drinking]
- SpongeBob: Keep trying, Patrick.
- Delivery Guy: I've got a load of awards for SpongeBob SquarePants. [Patrick becomes furious and sweeps harder]
- Patrick: Why can't I do anything right?! [bangs the head of the broom on the floor making dust rise all over the Krusty Krab's dining area, which makes the nearby customers start coughing]
- SpongeBob: [pushing Patrick] Kitchen!
- Patrick: [throws the broom to the floor] I'm never gonna get an award, now.
- SpongeBob: Don't give up, Patrick. This time I've got something I know you can do. We're gonna open a jar. [gets a jar and opens the lid] Easy. Now you try. First get a jar. [Patrick gets out a pickle] Patrick, that's a pickle.
- Patrick: Yes.
- SpongeBob: You need a jar. [Patrick picks up a spatula] No. [Patrick takes his pants off] No. [Patrick picks up SpongeBob] No. Try...this! [gives Patrick a jar] Now take the lid off the jar. [puts the lid in his mouth] Just relax. Lift your hand. [Patrick lifts his hand] Great! We're almost there. Now put it on the lid. [puts his hand on counter] No, the lid. [slides his hand to the corner of the counter] [Patrick tries for the lid over and over as SpongeBob keeps telling him "the lid", Patrick pants due to exhaustion; few seconds later, Patrick is almost there] Freeze! [hand is on the side of the jar] Almost there. Now head for the lid. [hand goes lower] Cold. [hand goes higher] Warmer. [hand goes higher] Warmer. [hand goes higher] Warmer. You're hot. You're on fire!
- Patrick: Ow, it burns!
- SpongeBob: Ok, ok. Wait, wait. Do exactly as I do. [takes it off again] Exactly as I do. [takes it off again] Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.
- Patrick: Exactly as you do. [takes lid off jar, then starts to cry] Oh, no, I broke it!
- SpongeBob: No, no, Patrick, you did it!
- Patrick: I did? [both cheer as Patrick throws the jar onto the floor] Touchdown! I'm jarmaster!
- SpongeBob: That was great, Patrick! You really got the hang of it.
- Patrick: Yeah. Remember when I had my hand up? And I put it on the lid?
- SpongeBob: Oh, yeah.
- Patrick: Then I took the lid off and I thought I broke it?
- SpongeBob: [laughs] Yeah.
- Patrick: But I didn't. I opened the jar with my hand. And it was all because you showed me how to do it. I'm never gonna forget this.
- SpongeBob: Patrick, you do exactly what I do and you'll have an award in no time. [night becomes day in SpongeBob's house. A clam crows like a rooster] I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. [notices Patrick dressed up like him]
- Patrick: Good morning, SpongeBob.
- SpongeBob: Wow. It's amazing how a simple change of clothes can make a guy look...just...like...me.
- Patrick: Yup. If I'm gonna be an award winner, I've gotta dress like one.
- SpongeBob: That's creepy...but flattering! I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready... [Patrick copies SpongeBob then SpongeBob stops] Huh?
- SpongeBob: Well, back to the ol' grind.
- Patrick: Well, back to the ol' grind.
- SpongeBob: Forget my hat.
- Patrick: Uh, me, too.
- SpongeBob: [SpongeBob mops the floor then puts the mop up; Patrick mops the floor but he makes the floor wet; SpongeBob comes out with a handful of plates and slips and breaks them all; Patrick follows in SpongeBob's footsteps; SpongeBob glares at him]
- SpongeBob and Patrick: [at the grill, frying patties, both whistle a tune, then stop, they both wipe their foreheads] Whew! [SpongeBob drops his spatula]
- SpongeBob: [laughs] Dropped my spatula. [bends down to pick it up]
- Patrick: Uhh, me, too. [drops spatula and bends down to pick it up; SpongeBob takes off his hat, then Patrick takes off his, they both put their hats back on, then they both put their hands on the grill; Patrick's hand burns after a few seconds] Ow!
- SpongeBob: Aha! [shows the fake hand] You're copying me!
- Patrick: Yes.
- SpongeBob: Why are you doing that?
- Patrick: So I can win an award like you.
- SpongeBob: Well, it's annoying, so stop it!
- Patrick: Stop it. [both imitate the others facial expressions]
- SpongeBob: Say, you're good.
- Patrick: Thanks.
- SpongeBob and Patrick: Ha! Darn. [both look at each other with suspicion, while rubbing their chins] Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as...pickle fish lips! [both cover their mouths] Sea weavle. Gorgy smorgy.
- SpongeBob: [in his head] At least I'm safe inside my mind.
- Patrick: [in his head] At least I'm safe inside my mind.
- SpongeBob and Patrick: [screaming]
- SpongeBob: [he and Patrick run out of the Krusty Krab] Stop copying me!
- Patrick: There's no award for that!
- Squidward: [leaning against the Krusty Krab sign pole, reading a newspaper, a Krusty Krab hat falls near him] Well, I guess it's safe to go in now. [puts hat back on and walks back in]
- SpongeBob: [he and Patrick are still running] Patrick, how long are you gonna keep this up?
- Patrick: Until I have as many awards as you.
- SpongeBob: We'll see about that!
- Patrick: No, we won't.
- SpongeBob: [takes out a jump-rope] I'm the jump-rope champion of Bikini Bottom.
- Patrick: Me, too. [takes out a jump-rope]
- SpongeBob: Oh, yeah? I call this one: The Slice N' Dice. [crosses arms and jump-ropes while Patrick tries to imitate but ties himself up with his rope] Ha! Not a scratch on me. [body breaks down into pieces]
- Patrick: Oh, no, you don't! [squeezes the rope on himself breaking his body down into smaller pieces, then both hit a hammer on their heads]
- SpongeBob: Not much fun being me, now, huh, Patrick?
- Patrick: Are you kidding? I used to do this way before I started copying you. [SpongeBob stops hammering his head but Patrick does not notice; Patrick hits himself faster and too hard, he stops and gets dizzy, trophies appear and spin around his head, and falls on the ground; SpongeBob runs into Patrick's rock painted as SpongeBob's house; SpongeBob gets angry and steam comes out of his head]
- Patrick: My turn! [runs into the pineapple rock]
- SpongeBob: [runs into his house] I wish I had the old Patrick back, but he just wants to be like me. [pushes his nose into his face and comes out of his house dressed in Patrick's normal outfit] Hi, I'm Patrick Star. I'm the laziest, pinkest starfish in Bikini Bottom and I wish I were me and not SpongeBob.
- Patrick: What's so great about being a big pink loser? [SpongeBob's nose pops back out] Exactly. I was never closer to an award then the minute I started copying you.
- SpongeBob: But, Patrick...
- Patrick: Patrick's not here!
- Delivery Guy: [stops in front of SpongeBob and Patrick in truck] Trophy delivery! [he drives off and SpongeBob has a package in his mouth]
- SpongeBob: Another trophy?
- Patrick: [sarcastically] Oh, great! [SpongeBob opens the package] What's it for THIS time?
- SpongeBob: 'For Doing Absolutely Nothing Longer Than Anyone Else'. Patrick! This trophy's for you!
- Patrick: Yay! [puts trophy on his head like a hat] Eee! [both rip off their present outfits to reveal their own normal outfits]
- SpongeBob: So, what are you gonna do, now?
- Patrick: I'm gonna go protect my title. [jumps on his rock and falls asleep, the rock closes]
- Narrator: So you thought I was kidding, huh? No, in Bikini Bottom, excellence can be found, even under a rock.