(sighs) Let's just get this over with. So, SpongeBob SquarePants Season Six is... kind of bad, let's be completely honest. The few glimmers of quality that snuck through don't make up for the mountains of garbage we had to trudge through. I don't think Season Six is the worst season of the show--that would be Season Seven--but I can't deny that it contains some of the worst episodes of the series. Not to mention that it introduced problems we would have never expected to see in SpongeBob SquarePants. Gross-out, jokes that go on for way too long, Squidward torture, the list goes on.
That's not to say that all of the trends Season Six set forward are bad. For one, Season Six is the first season to have more than twenty half-hours, which is... kind of a double-edged sword. More episodes per season means more SpongeBob content, but it could also mean less quality control, and I think the lack of quality control is the reason for the number of bad episodes in Season Six and by extension, Seasons Seven and Eight. But, this list is about Season Six, so let's dive on in.
10: Gone (104b)
Why do people like this episode? No, seriously. People actually like this episode. It's basically "SpongeHenge 2.0," except... worse. Okay, well SpongeBob isn't forced to isolate himself from society, but it's has a similar problem in that it's a horror movie parody that does not feel like it belongs in SpongeBob SquarePants. So, one day, SpongeBob finds that he's the only person in Bikini Bottom and he starts panicking. He tries to... essentially replace everyone, which is... honestly more sad than funny. Like, they're playing SpongeBob craving social interaction to the point where he's willing to portray his friends and acquaintances for laughs, but just like SpongeBob being forced into a cave and then spending years in a cave making rock carvings of himself, it's something I don't think you can make funny.
Then, it gets really creepy when SpongeBob starts talking to a boat after he randomly decides to issue himself a boating license. Okay, I will give them credit for the gag where the boat drives away from SpongeBob the second he walks up, but it quickly goes south when he starts treating it like his friend. I just... don't know why the writers would come up with something like this, why they thought it would be funny, and why they thought psychologically damaging SpongeBob like this would be appropriate to show to children.
Oh, and I'm not even at the worst part of the episode and why I put it on the list. So, SpongeBob thinks the boat is out to get him for... some reason, we get a chase scene, and then everyone in Bikini Bottom comes back and it's revealed that they've all been celebrating... (sighs) No SpongeBob Day... Okay. People who like this episode, I want you to tell me exactly what is wrong with this. If you can't figure it out, let me tell you: EVERYONE IN BIKINI BOTTOM--I reiterate--EVERYONE IN BIKINI BOTTOM WAS COMPLETELY FINE WITH LEAVING SPONGEBOB ALONE FOR WEEKS, STARVING HIM OF SOCIAL INTERACTION AND FORCING HIM TO SEEK COMPANIONSHIP IN INANIMATE OBJECTS ALL BECAUSE THEY SELFISHLY WANTED SOME TIME AWAY FROM SPONGEBOB!
This-this is just... beyond incompetent. I don't think the entire town would want to leave SpongeBob by himself for weeks on end and not care about him in the slightest. Okay, maybe Squidward would, but not people like Sandy, Krabs, Gary, and especially Patrick. It's exceptionally cruel that Patrick would want to get away from SpongeBob and it makes me wonder why he's even friends with this guy. And convincing him that it's a dedication to him does not help! It's not making him feel better, it's gaslighting! Like, wow. I don't think I've ever seen anything this abhorrent in a children's cartoon. And do you want to know what the saddest part of this is? The saddest part is that this is only Number Ten on this list. Good Lord, this is not going to be fun.
9: Sun Bleached (106b)
Ugh, this episode. It's one thing to put the entire population of Bikini Bottom in the right for abandoning SpongeBob for weeks and make him spiral into insanity, but it's another to encourage overtanning. So, this guy, Craig Mammalton, is throwing a party that SpongeBob and Patrick want to go to, but they can't because they have to be a certain degree of tan in order to be eligible to attend. But when SpongeBob is left in a tanning bed for too long, he becomes "sun-bleached."
Okay, let's talk about my main problem with this episode: everyone is so shallow. They only think people are cool if they have tans and will absolutely ridicule anyone who doesn't. Yes, children. Let's shame people because we're tanned and they're not. The Bikini Bottomites may not be at their absolute worst here, but boy is it hard to watch. Watching a child get thrown into a trashcan just because he has tan lines is definitely not all that funny, but don't most people tan with at least some piece of clothing on? Assuming they all got tanned that way, wouldn't that make them all hypocrites?
But the reason this episode is higher than "Gone" isn't because everyone is shallow, it's because the episode encourages overtanning. Yes, this episode portrays overtanning, which can actually cause cancer, as a good thing. This episode might have been trying to parody those "you shouldn't judge people by the way they look" morals, but it doesn't work when they do it with something as harmful as overtanning.
There are other problems with this episode, namely Patrick leaving SpongeBob on the tanning bed for two hours because of course he would, but it doesn't hold a candle to encouraging behavior that can cause long-term health problems.
8: Toy Store of Doom (120b)
And here, we have an episode where nothing happens. "Gone" and "Sun Bleached" may have had bad morals and portrayed a horror movie concept as comedy, but at least something happens in those two episodes. Here, it's not much of anything. The plot takes its sweet, sweet time to get going as the titular toy store doesn't even make an appearance until about three minutes in, and the "of Doom" part of the title doesn't even come into play until around nine minutes in. As a result, the plot point of SpongeBob and Patrick believing the toys are terrifying feels incredibly rushed and has next to no payoff.
I wish I could say more about this one, but it has so little substance, it's just not worth going in-depth with it. On to the next one.
7: Squid's Visit (116a)
Here's the plot for this one: SpongeBob is upset that Squidward never paid a visit to his house, so he decides to turn the inside of his own house into an exact replica of the inside of Squidward's house--like, an exact replica, all the way down to chips in the wall from when he moved in and the contents of his medicine cabinet. Let's just cut to the chase here. This episode is legitimately creepy. The entire episode has an uncomfortably claustrophobic feeling that wouldn't feel out of place in a psychological horror movie. Not even joking. Just add a heartbeat and some heavy breathing and you'd be all set.
And that's pretty much the gist of this one. Squidward's house burning down because he left his casserole in the oven for too long could be seen coming from a mile away, but that's about all I have to add to this one.
6: Plankton's Regular (108b)
Oh, God. This episode. I hate it with a burning passion. Plankton finally gets one customer who regularly visits the Chum Bucket, but Krabs is upset about this because... I don't know. It's never explicitly stated why Krabs can't stand the thought of Plankton having even one customer. It's underhanded and quite honestly, it makes Krabs look even pettier than SpongeBob did in "Breath of Fresh Squidward." I mean, at the very least, you'd think he'd be happy because Plankton would stop trying to steal the Secret Formula, but nope. Plankton is making a profit, and we can't have that!
Oh, and let's have scenes of characters' skin being ripped off, revealing their disturbing muscle structure because why not. Also, the splattered Krabby Patty on Nat's face looks really disgusting to me, I'm not entirely sure why.
And then, there's the ending where it's revealed that Nat never liked Plankton's chum in the first place and was being paid by Karen so she wouldn't have to hear Plankton complain about not having any customers. Well, I guess it's safe to say that Karen's been bitten by the big, fat jerkface bug. Oh, wait. She's a computer, so I guess it's safe to say that someone's installed some big, fat jerkface software onto her system. Correct me if I'm wrong, Karen, but aren't you supposed to be Plankton's wife and, you know, comfort him through his time of need rather than make him believe that he's something special when he's really not? Seriously, this twist is just so stupid and mean-spirited towards Plankton in a way that makes me feel sorry for him and when you make me feel sorry for the villain over Krabs, we've got a problem here. Speaking of Krabs, let's just have him laugh at Plankton bawling his eyes out to give him another punch to the gut. What an awful note to end an episode on.
5: Choir Boys (112b)
If you were to look up the dictionary definition of "Squidward torture episode," you would see "Boating Buddies" there, but "Choir Boys" would be an acceptable answer as well. So, this entire episode is about SpongeBob continually bothering Squidward when he's going to a men's choir. Look, I get it. SpongeBob is the bane of Squidward's existence and Squidward is usually the target of slapstick and karmic justice, but it doesn't work when Squidward doesn't deserve it. You see, Squidward getting hurt in episodes like "Naughty Nautical Neighbors" and "Club SpongeBob" works because he's an arrogant jerk to SpongeBob and Patrick and his abuse can be seen as the universe punishing Squidward for his behavior. Here, however, Squidward is being punished for the horrible crime of... existing.
Also, there's jokes that go on for way too long, most notably Squidward clearing his throat for about twenty seconds, and then spraying his mouth with breath freshener for ten. Excuse me, writers, but it seems that you've accidentally gotten a bit of Family Guy in my SpongeBob SquarePants. I'm going to have to ask for a refund if it's all the same to you. Seriously, though. A lot of jokes in this episode are filler at best and... just plain cruel at worst. I mean, SpongeBob having Squidward zapped by jellyfish repeatedly is probably the worst part of the episode due to how cruel it makes SpongeBob look. He doesn't care that Squidward is being zapped by jellyfish. So long as someone somewhere gets to sing, anything is fair game for SpongeBob. Also, that shot of Squidward's hand covered in jellyfish stings is FREAKING DISGUSTING!! Good Lord, I'm probably going to have to bleach my eyes just to exorcise that image out of my brain.
But the ending, where SpongeBob upstages Squidward at the choir gives that other scene a run for its money. Seriously, is there any reason for SpongeBob to just randomly upstage Squidward like that? No, of course not. We've got to make Squidward as miserable as possible. But wait, there's a twist! Squidward does get to go to the concert after all... to turn the page for SpongeBob's music sheet. (laughs sarcastically) This episode sucks. Next, please.
4: The Card (113b)
Hey, have I ever said that Patrick comes across as either an annoying idiot or an annoying jerk in certain bad episodes of SpongeBob? Because he comes across as an annoying jerk in this episode. Patrick manages to get a rare Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy trading card and SpongeBob tries to stop him from destroying it. Patrick is a jerk for basically destroying the card specifically because:
Patrick: SpongeBob, you can't always expect my usual brand of stupidity. I like to mix it up; keep you on your toes.
Me: He then asks to keep the card right after promising it to SpongeBob because I guess he just likes making SpongeBob's life as miserable as possible. But here's the issue with Patrick's portrayal--you know, besides the obvious of Patrick being a jerk. In episodes made both before and after this one, it's shown that Patrick is just as big of a fan of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy as SpongeBob is. Why would he destroy the card like this if he's a fan of the product himself? I mean, if you'd want to see this episode done right, maybe put Squidward in Patrick's position, have him destroy the card to torment SpongeBob and Patrick and give him his karma accordingly. That would be much better than what we actually got.
3: Boating Buddies (109a)
Don't worry guys. I didn't forget to put "Boating Buddies" on this list. I talked about why episodes like this don't work in Number Five, so feel free to glance back there for the main problem in this episode. Oh, and SpongeBob is being creepy again because... that's always fun. Honestly, I don't think there's anything to talk about...
Squidward: I'm was trying to get away from him! He is the bane of my existence!
Mrs. Puff: Yours too?!
Me: Oh yeah! Mrs. Puff! Wow. I didn't think it was possible, but this episode managed to make me hate Mrs. Puff! She doesn't seem to care about Squidward at all in this episode, whether he's explaining the circumstances of why he's been sentenced to boating school, being forced to ride along with SpongeBob during his driving exam, or most egregiously, making him take a written exam while he's in a full-body cast. Why couldn't she just allow him to wait until his injuries heal and allow him to take the test then? Is she secretly a masochist and wants Squidward to suffer along with her so she doesn't feel alone in that regard? Oh, what. I forgot. "Everyone and everything must crap on Squidward, even if there's no real reason to do so whatsoever." Oh, and we can't forget the terrible ending where Squidward is told that he'll have to retake the test next week and we hear Squidward release a scream of agony.
Well, that was a terrible ending. But that's not enough to ruin my day. At least this episode's sister will put me in a good mood, right?
...
Right?
2: The Krabby Kronicle (109b)
So, you know that episode of Friendship is Magic, "Ponyville Confidential?" You know, the episode where the Cutie Mark Crusaders work on their school's newspaper and gossip about various different people around Ponyville? I hate that episode, but let me tell you--that was a more enjoyable appearance than this stupid piece of garbage. Krabs starts up a newspaper for the Krusty Krab and has SpongeBob write up scandalous stories about various people in Bikini Bottom, effectively ruining their careers and by extension, their lives. Wow, Krabs. I just don't know what to say about you other than...
Daffy Duck: You're despicable.
Me: I hate everything about Krabs in this episode. I hate the fact that he's forcing SpongeBob to do this even though he thinks it's wrong. I hate the fact that Krabs finds pleasure in ruining people's lives. I hate the fact that
That this is shown to us repeatedly throughout the episode. But most of all, I hate that this episode sees him in the right!
"But Mr. Krabs got punished at the end." No. No, he doesn't! Customers take their money back, yes, but it's hardly satisfying because Krabs ends up committing counterfeit by printing a single dollar bill in the printing press and gets no repercussions for it. "I just committed a crime. I got exactly what I deserved for it and I'm now sad. But that's okay because I feel much better because I'm going to commit another crime!" None of the jokes work and the episode is just an eleven-minute waste of time. Only question is, what could be worse?
And you know what that means:
Dishonorable Mentions
The Splinter (105b) - Say what you want about Mr. Enter and his opinions on masks and cartoons and whatever, but he brought up a good point about this episode in his review: you can either find it extremely disgusting or extremely boring. Upon my most recent watching of this episode, I found myself in the latter camp. This episode is a giant borefest and it leaves me wondering why the writers thought it was a good idea to make this? But boredom wasn't enough for this episode to be put on this list, so I spared it mercy.
Cephalopod Lodge (115b) - Oh, boy. Another episode where Squidward gets something in his life ruined through no fault of his own. Honestly, "Choir Boys" and "Boating Buddies" are worse in that regard, so this episode was knocked off the list.
Dear Vikings (114a) - Why was this episode nominated for an Emmy?
To SquarePants or Not to SquarePants (116b) - This episode was stupid. If it wasn't for that one moment I talked about here, it probably would have made the list.
Pineapple Fever (125a) - This is a bottle episode and I don't think anyone would argue with me about that. It's boring, stupid, and unfunny all at once. Nothing of substance happens. Moving on.
House Fancy (101a) - See "The Splinter."
Truth or Square (123-124) - Okay, I'll be honest. I actually kind of like this episode. Don't get me wrong, it has some dumb moments and "Big Birthday Blowout" is an objectively better anniversary special, but it's still pretty decent for what it's worth and the Patchy segments are as corny as ever.
Well, on to Number One.
1: Nautical Novice (102b)
So, why is this episode Number One? Two words: the ending. The ending of this episode makes the whole experience entirely pointless. It's so insulting to watch SpongeBob's license get torn up like that just because he wasn't really the one who was driving the museum. On top of that, how could it possibly been that tugboat guy? He isn't seen at any other point during that sequence and it just comes across as lazy writing. Yes, one of Hillenburg's internal rules is that a Boating School episode can never end with SpongeBob earning his license, but still. There were much more interesting ways you could have done an episode like this that didn't have SpongeBob earn his license, only to have it taken away from him moments later for stupid reasons. You can't just have SpongeBob do something heroic, only to pull the sheets away and say, "Yeah, that thing that happened? It didn't actually happen and we just pulled a stupid explanation out of nowhere just to wrap things up on an ambiguous note." Storywriting doesn't work like that.
This is the worst Season Six episode to me because it has the least reason to exist. Those other episodes I talked about at least had an interesting story to tell, regardless of how badly they screwed them up. This one? Nope. This is probably the most insulting ending to a SpongeBob ending in existence! Okay, that's not entirely true, but we'll get to that one when we get to that one. It's also at Number One because it set a precedent for the show. It tells us that the writers can have whatever dumb ending they want to happen for any reason whatsoever and we can't do a thing about it.
And that's why "Nautical Novice" is the worst episode of SpongeBob SquarePants Season Six. Join me next time when I talk about the Top Ten Best Episodes of Season Six.